Thursday, July 05, 2007

My "Roots"...

I had the wonderful pleasure yesterday of a phone call from a colleague I haven't spoken to in years...we were both brand new graduate nurses back in the 80's, before the *reality* of nursing and medicine had a chance to color our world views (in a shade of fecal brown!). It was back in a time when we BOTH thought we could and did make a difference...a time when the art and practice of nursing surrounded the idea of "saving lives".

This month of July 2007, we will both have entertained 21 years in the nursing field. Of course, neither of us practices as a "real nurse" anymore...and by definition, a REAL nurse is someone who still works directly in the medical field! My friend is now in nursing administration and I am...well, I am working down an entirely different *dark road* of psychiatric nursing. I can't even really claim to be PRACTICING as a nurse anymore, although it is my nursing credentials and experience that keeps my job for me.

So, in honor of our 21 years (42 years collectively) of bed pan dumping, shot jabbing, puke cleaning, IV starting, blood spattering, and leather restraining nursing careers, I give you the following "nursing humor". I have taken liberty to *bold* my personal favorites. LOL Some of you may not get a few of the references here...and if you DO, I am very very worried about you if you are NOT a nurse!

  • You Might Be A Nurse If:

    You believe the first thing a person does when they enter this world, and the last thing they do before they leave it, is take a really big crap.

    You know what a 3-H enema is...High, Hot and Hell of a lot.

    You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

    You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes.

    You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!

    You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The Ass) precautions!

    You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.

    Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help

    Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"

    Ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier

    You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

    You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or "genetically challenged."

    You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.

    Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

    You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.

    When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.

    You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a coworker's sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.

    You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now you're going to feel a little stick."

    You've ever sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest.

    You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

    You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

    You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

    You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you're a nurse, you reply "Yes", and walk away.

    A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a catheter, but you get it on the first try.

    You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually.

    You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

    You hate working the night of a full moon

    You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac

    Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal

    You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce

    You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage

    You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick

    You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed

    You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group

    You believe the lab should have a 'dumb shit' profile on the lab requisition

    You have handled several 'lost condom' cases

    You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis

    You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably

    You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project

    You find humor in other people's stupidity

    You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm

    Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat

    You believe chocolate is a food group

    You believe a good tape job will fix anything


harkoo said...

I honor and congratulate you for your years as a nurse. You should be real proud. Yep, i got all the humor. My casualness about dinner discussions of bodily secretions and diseases still make people uncomfortable. I grew up with that talk--my dad was a WEIRD man and doctor who would tape the most revolting pictures in his medical journals on the refrigerator in our house. Yep. I grew up seeing pictures of pancreatic tumors as i got the milk for my cereal. lol ( because I think that is funny shows you that I too once worked as a nurse) So keep on with your valuable work--i think you must be great with your patients.

Steve said...

How funny life is. You're talking about your 21 years in the trade and just this morning my friend called to tell us all that she passed her exam and is now an official Registered Nurse in the State of Washington! Yay for her!

Funky Mango said...

...on seeing a jug of apple juice, you think it's a urine sample

Peej said...

When you find the company that makes valium salt licks PLEASE send me the information! You just haven't met my family....

Got all the humor and agreed with most of it. You don't have to be a nurse to instinctively know that people are crazy. :)

Hugs from one of the loonies. LOL!




I KNEW you'd get these! You can take the nurse out of the hospital, but you can't take the hospital out of the nurse...




Congrats to your friend! And may she never regret those years of education the next time she is dumping a bed pan...LOL




We used to fill urine cups with apple juice...then drink them in front of new employees, telling them that was how we ran UA's! No need for a lab...LOL




Hehe...I could NEVER reveal my sources for "Valium saltlick"...LOL