Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Seriously. Give it back...
Friday, March 27, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
First, let me preface this post with my belief: "The Internet is an unusually bizarre and complicated social network system."
There. I said it. And I fully believe it. The Internet and modern technology has replaced the most simple of human connections...direct contact...being able to look into the eyes of another...to touch their hand, see their facial expressions, and hear the intonations of their words. There is a VAST communication void that has been established on the Internet in our age of blogging, email, and *Instant Messaging*...it may be *instant* to type to places across the globe, but we lose some of the basic fundamentals of connecting with another. This is why our court system here in the States continues to allow face to face contact with one's accuser and with a jury of our peers! When THAT fundamental is lost in our courts, I think we might as well ALL pack our bags for prison...
So, back to addressing *freaks and weirdo's*...
The CHEESE reader who emailed me was concerned that someone (who I will refer to as *freaks and weirdo's*, since I don't KNOW who they are or if there is more than one!) had informed them I was presenting a false identity on one of the Social Network Pages (which shall remain nameless to protect the identity of my "informant"...really getting into deep cyber espionage here! LOL) and I was "calling for" people with MS to join me in something, which is not clear what that "something" is/was. WOOT?
OK...I'm only going to say this once to the *freaks and weirdo's* in question:
GET A FRICKIN' LIFE SO YOU HAVE LESS TIME TO SPREAD YOUR ANONYMOUS AND ILL INFORMED CRAP AROUND.
What you see is what you get here on CHEESE (and any OTHER website/social page/in person contact)...do I SHARE my full, real name with you here? NO. Because I am keenly aware there are already too many *FREAKS AND WEIRDO'S* out there in the world who have way too much time on their hands to GOOGLE me (but it still fascinates me you would even care)! Just accept it...unless suffering from a rare form of dementia and inhibition issues causing unknowing self-disclosure, you will NEVER be privy to my full name, address, date of birth, social security number, etc., or any other direct, identifying information...because I enjoy what few ounces of privacy still exist in my life and my government. So, since you (*freaks and weirdo's*) seem to think I am using a FALSE identity on another drab social page, I'm curious who/what you think my REAL/CURRENT identity IS...since you don't actually KNOW it after all? Unless, of course, you are a direct contact friend who reads CHEESE (and I emphasize the word *friend* there), who wouldn't bother emailing an Internet friend of mine with blatant lies anyway...seriously, what's WRONG with you?
Ooo! Ooo! Let me address that last question I pose...because I think it's important and, since I DO work in psychiatry (no, you don't exactly KNOW my educational background, direct employer, or the functions of my job...I've never disclosed those minute details of my life to you!), I feel qualified to address that question directly.
What I am extrapolating (in my humble, yet educated opinion) from this information about you (*freaks and weirdo's*) is this: You have many fears. You are most likely a person or persons who try to project themselves into the world as sophisticated, well-grounded, secure, and knowing, but this is a facade...deep inside, you feel inadequate in many areas of your life, thus resorting to attempts at casting doubt on others via malicious gossip (why yes, in fact I DO know a bit about behavioral profiling!). Given the fact you presumably have MS yourself (otherwise I can assume you would NEVER have read this poorly written and blathering blog), most likely sets you up to feel vulnerable, both physically and mental. You therefore, attempt to compensate for this vulnerability via unhealthy means to ease your own fears. Why do I think THAT? Because only a fearful person responds in this manner...whether it is fear of not being good enough, not being important, not being the center of attention, etc. THESE are the reasons someone...anyone...even *freaks and weirdo's*...participate in malicious gossip. It is an attempt to decrease their OWN fear(s) by casting doubt or dismantling another, thereby temporarily feeling a sense of importance or dominance.
I am highly intrigued ANYONE would choose such a low life as myself to stir malicious gossip around! Frankly, this only serves to inflate my already enormous ego. LOL The fact anyone (*freaks and weirdo's*) feels a need to dismantle or cast doubt about me in ANY way, whether in person or on the Internet, causes raucous laughter to erupt in my belly. None of us in this life are really THAT important...BRAINCHEESE included. And the notion I would be "calling for" people with MS to join me in ANYTHING (I'm still curious what this "anything" might be? World domination?!?) makes me laugh until I want to wet my pants!!! This is a blog on the Internet...I write about MS, my life WITH the disease, and an assortment of my own opinions/experiences...PUT YOUR HAND ON THE MOUSE AND CLICK TO ANOTHER PAGE NOW IF YOU ARE BECOMING TOO MESMERIZED TO HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE OR OPINION SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU ARE READING THIS BLOG...DO IT! Seriously...do it...go away.
If you are familiar with the psychological term, "triangulation", you will fully understand WHY I find your behaviors so dysfunctional, dear *freaks and weirdo's*. My email address is right there on the left-hand side of this blog...if you have questions/comments/concerns about me (and really WANT answers rather than a simple desire to make yourself feel better temporarily via malicious gossip), the door is open right there to email me directly. No, I won't disclose intimate details to you about my life or identity...but it's still OK to HAVE THE BRASS GONADS TO ASK ME DIRECTLY...and leave my friends and other contacts out of your silly mind play. Anyone who has ever emailed me knows I WILL always respond...eventually...and hopefully with enough integrity and insight to leave you feeling comfortable to email me again if you choose to. So please, have the maturity to pose your questions directly rather than triangulating dysfunctionally between an unsuspecting friend and I. It's the *right* thing to do...and since blogging an entire post about YOU is the only way I have to reach out and TOUCH you, I hope you (*freaks and weirdo's*) will heed my advice so we may all lay this issue to rest.
Whatever the alleged "issue" was in the first place! I'm STILL trying to figure THAT one out...
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I repeat: The Alarmingly Large Gonads will be checked via ultrasound on Friday.
I don't know...that word "gonad" just sounds more removed from my personal space than "ovarian cysts". Sort of like "gonad" could be my neighbor next door...I know he/she is there, but that's about all...it's nothing personal, just my neighbor.
I finally reached my ARNP today who, not unlike me, voiced concern I was not given an ultrasound while in that *wrong hospital* I was admitted to this weekend by Doogette Howser, MD! She also assured me I was NOT over-reacting with histrionic alarm, given my recent bout of strange symptoms. She's a little concerned about my pain level and waiting until Friday to complete the test, but I assured her I would seek immediate treatment if anything changed dramatically in the next 72 hours.
I return to work in the morning...wish me luck. I DO hope no one comments about my ovaries/gonads making my butt look too big...
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
1. Abdominal pressure, fullness, swelling or bloating (check)
2. Urinary urgency
3. Pelvic discomfort or pain(check...well, actually abdominal and back pain)
Additional signs and symptoms that women with ovarian cancer may experience include:
A. Persistent indigestion, gas or nausea (major check)
B. Unexplained changes in bowel habits, such as constipation (hello? DIARRHEA!)
C. Changes in bladder habits, including a frequent need to urinate
D. Loss of appetite or quickly feeling full (check)
E. Increased abdominal girth or clothes fitting tighter around your waist (check...just thought it was fat)
F. Pain during intercourse (dyspareunia)(hmmm...what's that again?)
G. A persistent lack of energy (check duh)
H. Low back pain (midback...whatever)
I. Changes in menstruation (old age anyone?)
I dunno...it just seems like this information *should* have gotten to you at some point during your medical school years? I knew about it in 1986 when Grandma Goldie was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer BECAUSE of gastrointestinal symptoms...and I've been acutely aware of this information ever since. It's sort of like, when you lose a loved one to some kind of disease, their process WITH that disease kind of STICKS in your head, you know?? So, perhaps "poo-pooing" me with your blatant and false information wasn't your best card to play...I already HAVE experience with that particular disorder.
YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.
Well sure...you can blame my anxiety about this issue on hypochondriasis...many women have already DIED because of doctors like you blaming their conditions on little more than "over-active" imaginations and anxiety, going untreated when treatment was critical. As a woman, I would have hoped YOU, in particular, might have developed some gene of compassion during your medical school years, which would assist you in your delivery of information...I don't ask that of the medical male species...they don't have ovaries.
YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.
I have never in my life HEARD of being admitted to the "wrong hospital" when it comes to receiving QUALITY medical care...perhaps the wrong SERVICE within the hospital, but never the wrong STRUCTURE! What on Gawd's green earth would POSSESS you to say something so IDIOTIC?!? And I DO have a witness to this. Perhaps you were simply hoping telling me this information would cease my questioning of your medical judgment??? Well, it worked. It was at this juncture in our conversation I knew in my over-active mind and gut...
YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.
You read my chart. You knew my background. Did you really feel it necessary to draw "stick ovaries" on a white board to make your point, given I went to nursing school perhaps before you were even born?!? I know my IQ wasn't mentioned in my chart, but I'm pretty sure my medical background/current job title was...YOUR nurses kept commenting to me how they "bet I saw interesting patients" in my line of work (to which I replied, "no more interesting than yours"...**silence fell**)...I didn't tell THEM I was a nurse by background OR that I worked in psychiatry. They bothered to READ my frickin' chart.
YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.
You neither diagnosed me NOR treated me for my ailments in the 24 hours I graced your "wrong hospital", and you have the audacity to question WHY I would want to be discharged?!? I returned home in no better condition than when I was under your care...deciding to take my medical treatment into my OWN hands...hands far more knowledgeable and competent than your baby appendages. Your partner in crime HAD me scheduled for the abdominal ultrasound that YOU changed in the morning to a CT scan...you know? The test you later told me I couldn't get because I was ADMITTED TO THE WRONG HOSPITAL?!? The test you stood at the foot of my bed in the morning, saying "probably would be unremarkable, so we should just go ahead with a CT scan and get that over with if you want?" The test I cancelled based on your already preconceived notion there was nothing wrong with me other than *viral gastritis*??? Only to learn it was THAT test which would have provided the "better" information about my "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts"???? Now, I have to arrange a ride for my dizzy-a$$ed head to see my regular ARNP to GET the ultrasound that YOU couldn't provide...but urged me to URGENTLY follow up and complete. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???? Don't tell me my "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts" are nothing to be concerned about, YET I need to urgently follow up because you don't KNOW if they are really cysts! SHUT THE EFF UP if you have nothing constructive or useful to say to me.
Or, better yet...go home and get out that little, plastic play doctor's bag your mother purchased for you for Christmas last year and feed your candied M & M's to someone else while pretending to palpate their "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts"...play doctor elsewhere...where lives don't matter...like on your Barbie Dolls. Because:
YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.
There. I feel better already...
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
You wouldn't happen to have a quart of potassium laying around to share, now would you? Argh...it's always something...I am SOOOOOO over this...
Monday, March 09, 2009
I stare down at my arms and hands resting on this laptop key board and I note the bruising and swelling of holes, where countless needles have dared to invade my inner most spaces. My left wrist is bandaged with netting and gauze and thin pieces of IV tubing pressed tightly against my body...a reminder there is some *wound*...some sort of healing still waiting on the horizon. A view of my life that has become normalized in the most subtle of ways...complacent with surrender. After several days turning into several months turning into 6 years of seeing this same scene play out over and over in my life, my mind no longer adjusts my eyes to look for the *horses in the rocks*...I only see gauze, tape, tubing, and puncture wounds...I see what has become an accepted part of my life with MS.
I don't know the exact day or hour I allowed my mind and Spirit to believe this way of life was no longer an illusion...that this IS my reality...at least for today. But I do very much yearn for my illusion to return...I miss the wild horses I once saw in the rocks on my MS. I miss having the faith I will see them return in my mind again. I appear to be suffering from a lack of faith at the moment...a lack of belief in things unseen.
Perhaps faith is the grandest illusion of them all?...
Saturday, March 07, 2009
There is always so much I cannot write about here on CHEESE due to the known fact my place of employment reads this blog...suffice it to say, I am saddened by a recent turn of events that appears to be occurring completely out of my control in my work arena...where I have remained absent for over 1 1/2 weeks. I feel quite vulnerable and on unchartered course.
Today, I have had repeated lines speaking like an earworm in my head from one of my favorite Rilke poems...I believe this poem provides a good summation of my current position in life if one is intuitive enough to read between the lines:
It is possible I am pushing through solid rock
in flintlike layers, as the ore lies, alone:
I am such a long way in I see no way through,
and no space: everything is close to my face,
and everything close to my face is stone.
I don't have much knowledge yet in grief--
so this massive darkness makes me small.
YOU be the master: make yourself fierce, break in:
then your great transforming will happen to me,
and my great grief cry will happen to you.
~~Rainer Maria Rilke
Friday, March 06, 2009
This is a highly NOT coveted award...much like being named A$$ Hole Of The Year...so I doubt there will be many of you who put your name on the ballot. That said, the least you could do is vote for me! I'm guessing by the 4th dose of IV Soly, I'll be tearing up my bedsheets with my teeth to create my sash and working on my acceptance speech...which will most likely only contain less than ten usable words after deleting the majority of swear words from the transcript...
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Gazillion tests run, done, and over. After ruling out everything from Ebola to the hunta virus, my medical team has now comfortably settled upon the notion my current, debilitating symptomology (dizziness/nausea/severe fatigue) IS most likely MS-related...this only took a week to determine, so I suppose I should be grateful and hopeful upcoming treatment will resolve the issues. But, I'm neither...grateful nor hopeful. I'm just plain worn down to a nub.
I go in tomorrow to start a 5 day course of IV Solumedrol...the drug of choice when "we" really don't know WHAT is going on. Sigh. Such is the life of a MSer.
Depending on how circus freak manic I get on the juice, I'll try to keep everyone posted here. Until next time...BrainCheese out...
(PS - just to freak out the science buffs, that picture up there is the chemical compound structure of the brand name, Solumedrol...anyone else see the word "ouch" misspelled in it?!?)
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
I'm asking you to please be my *bra* for a bit...after all, we ALL know the Playtex bra commercial saying of "support can be beautiful" has far more implied meaning than the phone company...