There are horses standing in those rocks up there in that picture...or, have the rocks been painted to give the appearance of horses? These are the types of questions that plague my mind at 3:00AM while undergoing Solumedrol treatments for what is believed to be a recent exacerbation of my Multiple Sclerosis...or IS it?
I stare down at my arms and hands resting on this laptop key board and I note the bruising and swelling of holes, where countless needles have dared to invade my inner most spaces. My left wrist is bandaged with netting and gauze and thin pieces of IV tubing pressed tightly against my body...a reminder there is some *wound*...some sort of healing still waiting on the horizon. A view of my life that has become normalized in the most subtle of ways...complacent with surrender. After several days turning into several months turning into 6 years of seeing this same scene play out over and over in my life, my mind no longer adjusts my eyes to look for the *horses in the rocks*...I only see gauze, tape, tubing, and puncture wounds...I see what has become an accepted part of my life with MS.
I don't know the exact day or hour I allowed my mind and Spirit to believe this way of life was no longer an illusion...that this IS my reality...at least for today. But I do very much yearn for my illusion to return...I miss the wild horses I once saw in the rocks on my MS. I miss having the faith I will see them return in my mind again. I appear to be suffering from a lack of faith at the moment...a lack of belief in things unseen.
Perhaps faith is the grandest illusion of them all?...