Saturday, March 14, 2009

Do These Ovaries Make My A$$ Look Big?!?...

I don't even know where to begin? So, I'll just start at now and work backwards...but only briefly...I'm too tired to sit up and type right at the moment.

I just got home from a 24 hour stay in the hospital this evening. WHOOT?!? Yeah, exactly. This is why I have not been on the blogosphere or pestering any of you with comments on YOUR blogs...the CHEESE has been locked in and shackled...sequestered, for a lack of a better an effort to figure out WHAT IN THE HELL has been going on in this body of mine!

And, unfortunately, still no answers...just more questions.

I could write tale after tale (believe me...hospitals are fraught with "tales") about this or that experience (like being in the ER with a blown pupil and thinking I was finally having the *big one*, aka, STROKE, only to learn this was a drug reaction), but again...I'm just too tired to go into it all.

What I WILL say is there has been some strong effort (and mediocre at best by the hospital) to figure out WHAT has been causing my (plug your eyes here if you are sensitive to bodily functions) constant spew of watery diarrhea for the past 10 days, WHY my potassium level won't stay charged, WHAT has caused an exacerbation of neurological symptoms following IV Solumedrol (ah, the Soly is supposed to work the OTHER way!), WHAT is causing my right abdominal/back pain, WHY my dizziness has worsened...and so the list goes on and on. I am, as one kind doctor put it, a "train wreck" right now...and I say, "Thank you. I resemble that remark." :-)

I've had test after test run with no a matter of fact, on film, I'm a star! Everyone concedes it is the (plug your eyes) blow out diarrhea (what I like to call *Burny Butt Syndrome* or *Chapped A$$ Disease*) that is causing my potassium level to drop drastically, but no one can locate the source.

Today while in the hospital, I had a CT scan of my abdomen done...I was told I had two, "alarmingly large" (7.5 cm and 4 cm) "probable" ovarian cysts on my right ovary and one (only 2 cm) on my left. I thought for sure my female Dooggie Houser (she looked to be 12...or, I could have BIRTHED her from my "alarmingly large ovary" and been her mother) would conclude THIS was finally the answer searched for and the cause of my ailments.

"Oh, no", she said, wearing her medical degree swiped from the Cracker Jack Box. "Ovarian cysts wouldn't cause the type of pain you are having or the gastric symptoms...even THIS size." (Her final Jepoardy answer was: Viral Gastritis)

She went on to draw on a white board HER rendition of my innards, which looked shockingly like a kindergartner's crayola marks, then proceeded to draw in my LIFE SIZED CYSTS for proportion...they were some Big Kahuna's, out ranking even the size of my svelte uterus. My friend, "T", and I exchanged glances without saying a word. It was apparent Baby Dooggie probably enjoyed art class more than anatomy and physiology...and probably got a C+ in both.

I tried to reason with BD, MD (Baby Doogie, Medical Doctor), saying that, well, YES in my years of experience I HAD heard of ovarian *situations* causing gastrointestinal dysfunction (Grandma Goldie DIED from OVARIAN CANCER discovered only after she developed GASTROINTESTINAL PROBLEMS!!!) and dear "T" even offered up her own medical *hystery* to point out, from personal experience, that YES even ovarian cysts can cause excruciating pain in the flank and back...BD, MD would not be swayed.

When I then copped the attitude of, "Well thanks for the info, doc" and proceeded to respectfully request discharge (you KNOW I'm lying there!), she was insistent I find follow up ASAP for my "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts". When I suggested that since I was already IN a hospital and perhaps if this was so urgent, SHE might want to go ahead and order whatever tests would be needed, she told me (I KID YOU NOT!), "Well, you're in the wrong hospital for that." *****THUD*****

Who KNEW that full service hospitals did NOT provide FULL SERVICE?!? ANYONE?!? Who knew that because I was admitted to a neurological unit I wasn't "allowed" to be seen for any other disorder?!? Good thing my heart didn't stop while I was there...they might have had to transfer me to the "right hospital for that".

So...I'm finally home once again with the P.O.D. (Princess O' Darkness, aka, cat), safe in my chambers/hut, and exhausted beyond belief. I decided I was too sick to be in a hospital anyway and would get better care at home, thus securing my discharge (which means no fists were thrown, but I was tempted)...I'll consult my ARNP on's not like my "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts" are going to GO anywhere. But I ask you:



Spaz Attack said...

As a matter of fact they do! Glad to read you're feeling well enough to SPEW some of your wit, wisdom and weepiness with your Peeps.

I'm simply wailing with sympathy for POD's forced time away from your cantankerous ASS -- after all, she's never experienced anything better.

That helpless hospital experience is downright pitiful and typical of the crummy bureaucratic rules which seem to govern our way of life.

Got enough TP? I hear they make flushable baby wipes that might comfort your fusalage's anus

Spaz Attack said...

why do your ovaries look like a bull's head on your Ass?

Blindbeard said...

My mom and I (I read this to her) both laughed through this whole post! My mom agreed -- she's a nurse -- that Angry Butt (what I call raging diarrhea) can deplete your potassium levels and she suggested that your pancreas could also cause that level of pain, too. Just a thought...

Tricia said...

Oh man - so sorry you are going through this! It just seems like one thing after another for you and I admire your ability to laugh about it - or at least make us laugh about it.

Jen said...

You ARE a mess (much like our shower which is being rehabbed as I write.)

Ovaries = OUCH (especially right one)


Jiminy Kripes, what the hell?

So when are you having surgery? That's what my crystal ball says is in your near future.

And for the burning butt, trying burning it a little bit more with Witch Hazel. It just might burn a little less afterwards.

You may be a MESS, but you're a hy-larry-ous mess.

Denver Refashionista said...

Here I was feeling sorry for myself over nothing and I read your tale. You are having a terrible string of luck. I admire your sense of humor in times of trouble. Please keep it. You are in my thoughts and I hope you get some more answers and relief soon.

harkoo said...

And I was thinking all this time, you were walking around Seattle naked on a steroid high!

Lanette said...

OMG! Makes you want to walk into an ER requesting your doctor MUST be over the age of 40...ok maybe 35.

Isn't it something when we as patients seem to know more than the doctors - BD,MD or otherwise!

Glad you are home with P.O.D now and resting. This was one humorous post! Take care!

Kelley said...

Geez! You just can't seem to win right now. Please let me know when the surgery takes place, for I see the same thing Lisa did. Do you have someone at the hut to help care for you?

And you can tell Miss BD, MD that ovarian cysts can be EXTREMELY painful! Please don't delay on getting someone to take them out; they can rupture!

But at least you can laugh about it. I know that's the only way I can get through this life!


P.S. Any OctoMom updates? ;)