It's not been a "great" day thus far...as many of you know (or could at least guess), I have been putting in some very long hours at my job these past, three weeks. I seemed to be doing OK with the increased time and stress until Thursday of last week. And that's when the ol' MS began to show signs of return, like a dormant volcano puffing plumes of smoke in the air.
At first, I thought I could continue to just ignore it or, at the very minimum, work "around" it. But those of you with MS know, it is NOT a disease that takes kindly to being IGNORED! I started having a return of the creepy restless leg feelings in my left leg and the fatigue became dayumed near overwhelming...but still, I marched onward...limping a bit, but still onward. LOL
By Saturday, my nervous system went on overload and demanded I pay closer attention to it...so I did...sort of. I took the day off from work and tried to rest my body physically, thinking one day away from the stresses of work might just appease the MS gods. I have learned (repeatedly and the hard way) there is little that will satisfy the MS gods once they decide to pay me a visit, and this weekend was just a slap-in-the-face reminder of that fact.
I did make it in to work on Sunday, but not without a big struggle. My left leg demanded I keep it in constant motion and the Mirapex I started on Friday evening had done little to soothe the agitation in my leg...I think the MS gods see this drug as little more than "candy".
Last night, I slept horribly and restlessly, frequently waking up because of pains in my lower back and legs. When I crawled out of bed this morning, my legs felt like tubes of jello, wiggling and shaking, as if mocking my attempts to MAKE them work in their normal patterns. It felt like someone had stolen MY legs in the night and replaced them with some kind of soft plastic ones! My lower back felt as if it was the only thing holding me up...but not in a "good way"...the MS gods had also replaced my lower back muscles with a 4-inch-wide, tight rubber band and attached each end to a hip bone. And while they were at it, the gods zapped my "mojo"...walking to the bathroom felt like a deep breathing experience (and not the kind of deep breathing YOU are thinking, MDMHVONPA!).
Dutifully (and with slight panic rising in my chest) I emailed Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named. I have no really good reason for this, except fear. I know there is little she can do for me, but still I WANT her to do something! Oh...and I want her to do something YESTERDAY about it...that's just how I am. LOL
She did her "usual" precursory questions back and forth via email, finally settling on telling me to "just get some rest". Dayum her! I finally had to email her back to say I would "try not to get my panties in a wad just yet" and follow her instructions...rest.
I called my work this morning (quite late for me to contact them) after a tearful bout of "acceptance" and requested my boss replace me on the schedule this afternoon if they could...I was and AM in no shape to be making legal decisions on another's behalf...I am staying home to lick my own wounds once again today.
I don't know if those of you who read BrainCheese and also have Multiple Sclerosis go through this, too...that initial (and sometimes lasting) panic feeling and frantic mind game of "Is it a relapse or not?" I do...and I DO it EVERY TIME.
In the deep, dark crevasse of my mind (three lesions to the left and just below the cerebellum), there is a little voice chiding me saying, "Well, what did you EXPECT, dumb-ass?" And I know this nasty, little voice has merit...what DID I expect???
Once again, I know I "expected" my body to behave in the ways I remember it could and did BEFORE the MS diagnosis...when I felt invincible and strong. AND, post-Novantrone infusion I DID have about three weeks of a flight into wellness, feeling as if my MS had finally gone into remission after months of struggle.
But since the MS gods have been visiting me, I regret my silly expectations now...I'm not sure WHEN I will learn this very simple lesson...I must always be "mindful" of the MS gods and their potential fury. I must pay better homage to this body they inhabit now, lest they rumble in anger and displeasure.
I'm off to iron my panties now in a feeble attempt to keep them knot-less...