Madeline Kahn said it best when she sang the song in "Blazing Saddles"..."Let's face it boys. Every thing from here down is kaput!" And if you could imagine (or not...that might be scary) me holding my hand at approximately my neck, well...everything from there down below is "kaput". I'm just plain good-old-fashioned-worn-out tired!
As is typical, whenever I KNOW I have to get up to an alarm, last night was a very restless sleep...if you can call 4 hours a "sleep"...I know some might simply call that a NAP. But that is the sum total of hours I spent in bed tossing and turning, knowing my alarm was going to slap me into consciousness way too early this morning. I think my "unconscious" motto is, "Why wait for an alarm to do that? Just GET UP NOW!"
So, at 4:00AM I crawled out of bed, unable to return to sleep. In some ways I guess I should be proud of myself...I was up even before Dawn's crack was showing!
I proceeded to dink around for another 2 1/2 hours with showering, messing on the computer, etc., only to find myself feeling somewhat ill from my total lack of sleep...you know the "illness" kind...that sickening feeling in the pit of your gut, most likely due to way too much caffeine and anxiety? So, to combat the sickening feeling, I simply drank MORE caffeine and added a high carb/heavy sugared doughnut into the mix...not wise, believe me!
By the time I arrived at work at 7:00AM (just when Dawn was lazily yawning and stretching and preparing to show her crack), I was ready to return to bed. But instead, I prepared a conference room for the training I was teaching (by the way, you rock, "T"!), gathered my wits, and proceeded to teach a 4 hour, highly active, training session. I even broke sweat!
At noon, "T" and I were both bleary-eyed, a bit crabby, and exhausted...neither of us are DAY PEOPLE. We took down the conference room, gathered our things, had a meeting with the Big Boss Lady, and went to get some lunch. By this point, conversation was even becoming difficult.
At lunch in the food court, I suddenly became overwhelmed with exhaustion and advised "T" I might just lay down on the floor and take a nap...surrounded by about a hundred people no less! I didn't care...tired had over come me and I didn't want to move again without a rest.
Fortunately, I DIDN'T lay down in the busy food court (but I REALLY REALLY WANTED TO!) and managed to get back to our office a few blocks away. It was now time for DP's going away/retirement party...the question arose, "Do you have a camera?"
Of course I have a camera and I happened to have it with me (to take pictures in our training)...this was an open invitation for having to remain alert and awake even longer. I spent the next 1+ hours taking photos of dear DP and the group that had gathered to wish him farewell, standing on chairs to get the "best" shot of everyone in the room. My legs were beginning to wobble at this juncture.
The party is now over and I am obviously back home...attempting to tend to my needy kitty, who has been attention deprived for the past 3 weeks, AND type this blog. Before I left the office today, one of my coworkers commented on my "movement" while in the training, saying, "You're really moving well these days"...it's no doubt because I chased her with a large, padded stick...everyone looks bigger than life when they carry a huge stick and careen it toward your head! LOL It was all part of the training (we really don't beat each other at my office...honestly).
Her comment once again reminded me of the "hidden" side of Multiple Sclerosis...that "fatigued, I need a nap because I'm exhausted" side...the side of MS no one sees or feels, but me. That side of MS which sometimes feels more debilitating than blindness, bladder problems, or paralysis.
I don't spite my coworkers for these comments...I know they are just happy to see me be able to dash and run again. Last year was a loooong year of recovery from relapse and I spent much of it having to walk with a cane. And I know there's no use in trying to make them or force them to understand my fatigue...unless you've had it, you don't get it (because it's not simply being "tired" folks!).
I think the best thing I can do for myself this late afternoon and evening is go lay on the couch and stare at the TV or ceiling...my batteries need recharging...my body needs a break. Everything from my head down is "kaput" and I'm so tired. And, thanks to Madeline Kahn, I have a song I can sing to explain it all!...