Thursday, August 16, 2007

Number *One* & Number *Two*...

Day One, post Solumedrol infusion...I drugged myself with the skill of an addict yesterday evening and actually managed to SLEEP a few hours! This, by all medical and psychiatric standards is a VERY GOOD THING. LOL I remain clothed and no more stark-raving mad than prior to the infusion...let's all hope Day Two (today) goes as smoothly, shall we (and all of you just waiting to read about my capture naked on the Space Needle...HA!)?

But the title of this post really has nothing to do with infusion days...I know, I know...then what the heck am I talking about?!? Well, basically and *Seinfeldishly* nothing as usual! There's just something on my mind about my new office building that I feel I MUST share with all y'all...and, seeing as I so often take great "glee" in the discussion of bodily fluids, this post will not disappoint you! (Well...it certainly might disappoint YOU, but not ME. LOL)


I may have mentioned to you my new county office building has been engineered and constructed to meet the high standards and title of a "green building"...it's supposed to be environmentally sensitive...low impact/less toxic to the world...well-planned to preserve the peace and dignity of the fragile ecosystem. Oddly, however...IT IS STILL A LOOMING SKYSCRAPER IN DOWNTOWN SEATTLE! But I digress...I suppose we all need SOMEWHERE indoors to work and a tent without electricity or running water just won't do. LOL


So...our move down into the real world of mental health...we were prior isolated in our own space, on a vacant floor, of another office building, far, far away from the politics of those PAID to be political in our division. We worked out of what was commonly known as the "Bat Cave". Since we are a 24/7/365 service to the community, there is always some in our office...we often eat there, occasionally sleep there, and refer to our space as *Home Away From Home*.


Just like in ANY grouping community of people, there are those of us who are (how shall I say this without sound smug and superior? Whatever...LOL) *neater* and more organized than others...there are those of us who eat with the manners of Emily Post and those who, well...are a bit "piggish". Consequently, over the years in our old office space, it became somewhat trashed...for which we were ALL proud...neat freaks included. It was OURS...no one to post new rules, monitor our business, or overhear our peculiar dialogues!


In our new space, EVERYTHING is monitored and it feels much like being a rat running a maze of an experiment. And, there are the "others" in the division on the floor who we must content with. They are a different political breed with different agendas...AND, they appear to be *neat* and tidy. I'm not sure we are going to fit in well with this crowd. LOL


My first trip into the politically correct, highly sanitized, *green* bathroom was a bit of an adventure. Perfectly manicured and sterile walls greeted me with high tech hand washing and toilets. I was nearly blinded by the shine of it all. I stepped into one of the stalls (peering around for a possible camera surveillance!) and sat down to do my "business"...NUMBER ONE. I generally ONLY do NUMBER ONE in a public toilet as I have a bizarre phobia about NUMBER TWO in a public place (an entirely DIFFERENT post).


I finished my business of NUMBER ONE and got up to properly flush my business down the sterile pipes of the *green building* sewage system, only to discover there was no handle to flush...there were two, unlabeled, half-dollar sized buttons on the wall behind the toilet. The first button had a slash in its middle, the second just a solid piece of metal. I pondered this choice for some time.


What if I pushed the wrong button and the Sewage Police came running in to arrest me? What did I NEED two buttons for? The choices were overwhelming. But, being the risk taker I am (hehe), I cautiously chose the first button with the slash, hoping a french bidet didn't shoot a steady stream of water in my face!


Much to my delight, a suction that could have swallowed a small child occurred and sent my NUMBER ONE product disappearing into the "green" sewage system. It was a great relief (in more ways than one...well, just NUMBER ONE, but whatever).


But then, that investigative nature overtook my brain, and I decided I MUST find out what the second button did...it was, after all, my right to know. So, I gingerly pushed the second button. Again, a powerful suction blasted the bowl, but this time with MORE water!


"Ah, ha!", I exclaimed out loud. This button was a NUMBER TWO button! More power, more water HAD to equal a system for more...ah..."refuse". I grew oddly excited...briefly. But then the disappointment began to overtake me as I realized I would never get to USE the second button as I so rarely (unless dire emergency) DO NUMBER TWO in a public place! Sigh...


But of course, I could not just stop my thinking at this junction. I became indignant. Even if I DID do NUMBER TWO, why was I being forced to decide if my deposit REQUIRED a second button? Did the designers just automatically ASSUME I might be full of crap? And if I DID a NUMBER TWO and pushed the first button, would I be held financially accountable for any sewer line repair that might take place should my "load" cause a malfunction in the delicate system? WERE there cameras in the bathroom for this very purpose?...to expose the low flusher/high volume producer culprits??? Who WERE these people???


I left the bathroom in disgust...yet another political dilemma to complicate my work place. I'm really hoping the Division will come to their senses once they realize exactly what KIND of neighbors and employees they have moved in to their high tech building (that would be us slovenly folks down the hallway. LOL) and decide to move us out...maybe a tent with electicity and running water AND a portapotty would be better...LOL...

13 comments:

Miss Chris said...

Oh my gosh...I'm still laughing at that post! So funny! You know what??? I can't go number 2 in a public toilet either...unless an accident is imminent. We're talking MAJOR emergency here.

Steve said...

Our bathrooms have envir-amour johns, and while one might think that the guys would kill them more frequently than the ladies, I seem to get a steady... stream of emails advising me that "Stall #X is out of order in the women's restroom."

What you ladies do to those toilets that the men don't is beyond my ability to comprehend. I've walked into the bathroom before straight into a wall of stink that had physical mass and been struck dumb like the poor French baker in a Pepe Le Pew cartoon ("Le STINK! Le PEEEYUUUU!")

But the funniest thing is that our bathrooms have motion detectors and the lights turn themselves off after 20 minutes. I walked in one time and "rescued" a poor guy with food poisoning. He was brutalizing one of the stalls in a manner I can only leave to your imagination. The poor guy was miserable, ultimately sitting in a pitch black room with toilets that refused to give him an adequate supply of water.

Sara said...

That's too funny. Me mum has one of those flushers on her toilet in PDX and I of course had to do all the experiments, since it was visiting for 2 weeks I was able to try all the different combinations.

Can you believe I use to live on that lake & left that for L'town, what was I thinking?!?!?! (answer is: careers, friends & money)

mdmhvonpa said...

You do realize that the the Men's room just has a big hole in the ground.

Actually, for some reason, the toilets in one of our buildings flush automatically if you shift a bit forward ... free but spritz. You have to turn on the sinks with your filthy hands though. In the other building, the sinks are automated but the toilets are not. So confused.

Bubbie said...

My left side of my face is numb and I couldn't stop laughing....no pictures please, it isn't pretty....
I so enjoy your blog...

BRAINCHEESE said...

MISS CHRIS:

We are definitely "Sisters of the Public TWO"!!!

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

STEVE:

LMAO!! Sounds like your work place is a barrel of ...ah...laughs also! My biggest pet peeve of restrooms is when the fart fan is automatic with the light...I should be able to break wind with a light ON and then decide if it has an odor or not!

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

SARA:

Well, it might have been worth it to stay in the states for that fancy "terlet" your mum has...scenery or not! LOL

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

MDMHVONPA:

Unless you're FAT...then you have to step out of the way of the censor to get the darned thing to flush! Sigh...LOL

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

BUBBIE:

Just checked out your blog yesterday as well...very nice. I really can't match a numb face, but occasionally my arse goes numb...but really NOT from laughing. LOL

LD

Leanne E said...

Linda, after reading your reticence to do *Number Two* in public, I'm wondering what you did as we sailed down the Colorado.
You looked pretty normal toward the end of the trip.

Lee said...

Concerning your reticence to do *Number Two* in public, I'm wondering how you managed floating down the Colorado. That was certainly a public porta pottie. You looked pretty normal by the end of the trip.

BRAINCHEESE said...

LEANNE!!!:

OMG! How are you!?! It's been a bit of time since our grand trip down the ol' Colorado in the canyon. So nice of you to stop by my rambling rant of a blog and say hello!

But, just for the record: Our portapotty DID have that tasteful yellow screen!

Good times, good times...LOL

LD