Crappy Cell Phone Service...

It's always something...I can't have just a "normal" day. If a "normal" day were to occur in my life, I am quite certain Armageddon would be upon us. And today, like every other day in my life, was filled with the wonders of surprise...

I awoke to the hateful sound of my alarm this morning. Not because I had to go to work today, but because I had an appointment that required me to be up and alert before I usually do so on any other day of the week. So, as you can imagine, ANY TIME I am awakened by an alarm, I am generally not in my "happy place". And I was definitely NOT in my happy place when my eyes snapped open like a roll-up blind and the light of morning filled the shadowy crevasses of my brain secondary to the noise bleating from my bedside alarm.

After completing my morning routine of bed ballet just to take those delicate first steps from the warmth of my covers, I gingerly stepped out into the colder-than-a-well-digger's-arse temperatures of my sleeping cavern and stumbled into my bathroom to begin my morning ritual. I was not looking forward to the icy chill of the toilet seat upon my precious hine-y...but since I know of no other way to "prewarm" the commode for my morning arrival, it is just something I accept. I'm actually looking forward to the day MS begins to numb my rear end...

Unfortunately, yesterday evening as I was preparing to go to bed, I was in a bit of a sleep deprived stupor and neglected to complete a usual bedtime ritual...that would be the CLOSING of the toilet seat...the dropping of the lid...to keep my dearest Princess O' Darkness from playing in the water. She has a "thing" about the toilet water...probably goes hand in hand with her "thing" about urinating in the tub drain!

Her favorite "thing" to do in the toilet is to bring one of her spongy sparkling ball toys in and drop it into the water...the toys DO float after all...and what better fun than to spend hours of blissful peace batting these little floating balls around in a toilet?!? Especially hours when she knows her human slave is snoring soundly in the next room? I've told you all along this cat is brilliant...

So, I should have known with the toilet lid up all night long there WOULD be a shiny floating toy bobbing at me when I peered inside the porcelain god...I've grown to expect this. She (the P.O.D.) has trained me well. And sure enough...there it was...floating like a ship without a harbor on the surface of the watery bowl. A small, silver spongy ball bobbing in the most likely germ infested toilet.

I have an unusual relationship with my toilet (and with my cat I suppose)...I fear it. Mainly because I know what has gone IN it! And yes, most of what has gone IN it has come OUT of me...but it has swirled around in my nether regions, often for days at a time out of sight. And I just can't be responsible for knowing the true content of what comes out after ingestion. LOL

Rather than flush the P.O.D.'s favorite toy into the great abyss called the sewer, I have taken to fishing these toys out of the toilet and rinsing them with soap and water...my sewer pipes are already in a state of concern given I live on such a steep hill...I'm not inclined to have to call out a plumber to have cat toys SNAKED out of my lines. So this is EXACTLY what I did this morning...begrudgingly and with some cursing under my breath, I fished the frisky feline's toy out of the watery petri dish and tossed it in the sink for cleansing. I was also holding my cell phone in my hand and set it down on the edge of the bathroom counter...and here is where my day turned ugly.

The P.O.D. loves water...she loves the sound of water, too. And as the sound of the bathroom sink faucet began to spit H20 out, she came running down the hallway to investigate what might concern her. In her expectant glee at the prospect of batting water at the sink, she ran full-tilt-cat and leaped up on the counter top, skidding to a stop at the end of the counter, and narrowly escaping flying off the Formica runway. My cell phone did NOT escape, however.

In what can only be described as a freak-of-nature-could-only-happen-to-me event, I watched in slow motion horror as my precious cell phone skid to the end of the Formica runway from the force of the P.O.D.'s momentum and fly off the counter toward the toilet. It did a bank shot with the skill of an NBA pro off the back of the toilet seat and dove keypad first into the toilet bowl...the sound of the cell phone plunging into the water was like the scream of a drowning victim to my ears right before they go under. I stood in a brief moment of disbelief.

Then, like the sometimes what-am-I-thinking idiot I am, I dove into the toilet after the cell phone, hoping the 10 second rule for dropping food on the floor (and still declaring it "good" or edible) also applied to the electrical circuitry of the cellular world...but I was wrong.

With toilet water dripping from my elbow (oddly in this moment, I forgot my fear of "water"...er, toilet water), I held up my cell phone, hoping against all hope its LCD screen might magically reappear...it remained black...cold...dead to me. The phone then started making a crackling sound, painful to my ears...like the sound of one who is dying in their last breaths...then, without further incident, the LCD area fogged over and the sound ceased. My beloved cell was gone forever and the P.O.D. was nowhere in sight. I DID imagine I heard the faint sound of her kitty laughter from the other room...

To most people, this event would not be a big deal. "Just get another cell phone", you say. Ah, but you must understand...I have been a customer with one of the "our name used to be and now it is, but let's change it back to what it used to be" wireless carriers for over ten years! And, I 've had the same cell phone plan (and a really old phone) throughout this company's many changes. And because I've been on the same plan with the same cell phone for so long, I have more minutes than God for a lesser price than most people pay AND my phone will no longer WORK on the newer network without an upgrade. The company told me this a long time ago in an attempt to get me to buy a new cell phone/plan and upgrade my service, but I declined and laughed in their face...as long as my current phone WORKED, I didn't need no stinkin' upgrade!

About 3 hours later, a few hundred dollars poorer, 1,000 signatures written, a new plan for more money with less minutes in my pocket, and a new phone I have no idea how to operate, I left the wireless carrier's local office with my new cell phone. Oddly, they did NOT want to keep my old phone...even though I told them there was no refuse in the toilet when it was submerged! I'm sure I entertained the 20-something boy who waited on me in the store...I do hope he at least got a healthy commission. And...strangely enough...he would not accept my offer of a free CAT either!...