Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Carpe Diem...

"Seize The Day"--I wish...unfortunately, the only thing I feel "seizing" in my day right now is my left leg. That, and my BRAIN giving a good seizing about.

For some odd reason (and maybe not so odd, given the fact I am steroids!), a few stanza's of a poem have been running through my head today..."Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; Enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; Make the most of what you have. It is later than you think." I think it was Horace who wrote those lines, but I don't actually recall.


One would think with such a positive poem echoing through the bowels of my brain, I might find myself in a better mood. "ONE" might think...but "ONE" would be wrong, wouldn't they? LOL


Oddly, it is the LAST line, "it is later than you think", that seems to be stirring up a thunderstorm of hidden emotion today. My restlessness and anxiety are not being quelled well in the moment with mere Klonopin throwing distant darts at the Prednisone gods...and my mind and emotions are taking a bit of a toll. It's pretty hard for me to focus long enough to complete a sentence, but I will try to explain from my steroidal craze WHAT that line is saying to me. And, FORTUNATELY, once I am off the Prednisone, I am certain I will look back at this post and wonder just what in the "HAY-EL" I was talking about. LOL


Simply put...I'm in a funk...AGAIN. I can point many a gnarly finger at various culprits, but the fact remains I'm just "funky" right now (hope I can borrow that word from you, Funky Mango!). I am on day 3 of the dreaded Prednisone taper...which is always a touchy time. As the force of the IV Solumedrol wears off and the oral steroids slide into place, I am often set up for a rebound of symptoms, which I hate.


I woke up (yes, as a matter of fact I DID sleep about 3 hours thanks to elephant tranquilizers!) this morning to what felt like a strange "hum" in my left shoulder...it really feels like I have some sort of electrical T.E.N.S. unit attached and a vibration is being sent deep into my muscle. Not necessarily horribly uncomfortable, but highly annoying. I tried to step out of bed, only to realize my left leg had quite possibly died in the night and chose to remain lifeless on my bed. It took me some considerable time to "FIND" my leg (y'all with MS know this process I'm sure...that cognitive reconnecting with the nerves?), only to discover it felt almost too heavy to navigate with...but, I eventually DID get 'er going and have been pretty much hobbling around on it most of the day. There's also a tight squeezing occurring in my calf, which is not new either...just back. Add on a level 4 on a hurricane 5 scale of emotional torrent/agitation inside my brain and body, and it appears I am now recreating "The Perfect Storm"...


So, the FUNK...and the "it is later than you think"...I am once again thrown into the fear and anticipation that THIS relapse may not recover. I know, I know...I go there EVERY TIME I have a relapse. LOL My recovery NEVER goes as smoothly or as quickly as I would hope or like it to and my mind eventually sets up a detailed map of catastrophic thinking. "It is later than you think" keeps reminding me of this...


I've been off work now for over a week...that's a long time in dog years! LOL And I have been forced to remain solitudely (made that word up!) at home to "recover". This latest *episode* really began in August and progressively has gotten worse, requiring THREE rounds of IV steroids just to maintain some semblance of functioning...and today...still today...I feel little to no relief and might even be inclined to report I feel WORSE. It is disheartening to say in the least that my sense of "recovery" feels so feeble.


I WANT to seize the day...I really do. I WANT my life back. I WANT to make the most of what I have, even if my purse of cosmic wealth feels somewhat empty right now. It's just really hard to pull one's self up with such weak arms...literally and figuratively. LOL


Guess I'll go wallow in my *funk* for a bit longer...given the effects of the steroids, I imagine that "chicken" will run by again shortly to distract me on to something else...LOL...

18 comments:

Steve said...

"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

JRR Tolkien once said that the two most beautiful words in the English Language are "cellar door" when said together. Dylan Thomas is said to have said in reference that he was mistaken. "Syphilis" is a much more beautiful word.

Have myelin? said...

Your posts are becoming very poignant.

I want your life back for you too.

Miss Chris said...

I like that poem that Steve quoted. Always been one of my faves. I guess because I'm a fighter?

Bubbie said...

Oh, Ms.Cheese, It must not be uncommon for a worsening of symptoms when coming off Solu. I have done the same. I didn't repeat lines of poetry though, I kept hearing Jack Nicholson wondering if This Is As Good As It Gets. lol. And that last line! "it's later than you think!" Good thing you gave me my birthday present early, cuz that one sucks lol.
Catch that chicken yet?

Sara said...

you must remember to keep it all in perspective . . . my best mate here in London was stabbed with a dirty HIV needle last night at work . . . sitting at home recovering sounds like a joy compared to sitting around waiting for those blood results!

chin up cheesewiz :)

adina said...

Hang in there Miss Cheese....It will get better , i promise...I have been in the bowels of this miserable institution MS threw us all in and i know what you're talking about.I sent you an e-mail and if you feel like throwing a couple of old fashion swears at this monster that has us hostages i'll be here ..LOL

Sara said...

have you seen this????

harkoo said...

I will try hard to send you healing energy

Anne said...

I clicked on the link that Sara provided in your comments.


It is worth a big SHOUT OUT. To anyone stopping by Brain Cheese's blog, click where Sara says "have you seen this" click on this

and relish in the hope it provides.
Anne

BRAINCHEESE said...

STEVE:

Great quotes! Thanks for sharing them from your brain to mine.

And BTW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Old man!!!

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

HAVE MYELIN:

Poignant or bizarre??? I am reminded of Lily Tomlin's "In Search Of Incredible Signs of Life In the Universe" when the homeless lady says, "Soup...Art...Soup...ART???!"
LOL

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

MISS CHRIS:

You certainly ARE a fighter...but of the "peaceful warrior" kind...

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

BUBBIE:

At first, I thought you were going to quote ol' Jack from "The Shining"...LMAO Honey, I'm home!

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

SARA:

Your comment has sparked considerable "thinking" on my part...thank you.

(how's the packing going?)

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

ADINA:

Thank GAWD you occasionally comment here as, not only do I delight with glee at your musing, I am always relieved to know you are still spunky and ALIVE!!! LMAO

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

SARA:

Yep, saw it...hopeful...

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

HARKOO:

Thank you, Joyce...you're always so supportive and I ACCEPT any positive energies you can channel my way!

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

ANNE:

Yes, it is...the cautious side of me takes a "wait and see" approach, but at least it is movement. Which, BTW, the NMSS wants us all to do...join the movement!

LD