Sunday, January 20, 2008

It Wouldn't Be Funny If It Weren't True...

I was in a mad dash this early afternoon to get my shower completed, fix something to take to work for supper, and get dressed and out the door on time to beat the evil time clock. I hate to be rushed because I become a "mush brain" and misplace important items as well as forget to TAKE important items out the door with me...like car keys. But that's another post...

So, today I was a bit discombobulated as I flew from my shower to get dressed and ready for work...already feeling I might be late if I didn't pick up my pace. I managed to secure a set of underwear (that would be top AND bottom equals a "set") socks, and slacks, only to discover I would need to press/iron my blouse unless I wanted the look Seattle is most famous for...GRUNGE! I dashed into my study where I keep my beloved ironing board (remember...I iron my sheets! This item is more sacred than my refrigerator) and cranked my super-duper iron on to await its steamy heat.


I typically keep all of my "essential" work tools in one place so I don't forget anything...my work keys, money, wallet, pocket change, badge/ID, and favorite ink pen (for signing those detention orders) lay in wait on a shelf to be deposited in my pockets as I go out the door. And, since I had my slacks already on, most of these items fit nicely in my pants pockets...except for the BIG GRIP ink pen I carry.


Not wanting to be slowed down in my already-feeling-late-for-work-waiting-for-the-iron-to-heat-up mode, I quickly shoved my pants pocket items in the front pouches of my pants and stood staring at my ink pen. Deciding it wouldn't fit well in my pants pocket (or, gawd forbid, might "ink" up my pants), I quickly shoved the HUGE PhD Big Grip pen down the front of my...er...valley between the Grand Tetons as a temporary "holding cell" for my writing equipment until I could get my blouse ironed and adjusted appropriately.


Now, let me first offer a disclaimer here. I am not the most "sensitive" of persons. I tend to have a fairly high pain tolerance (doesn't EVERYBODY say that?!?) and I've even watched minor surgeries done to my feet and other areas of my body. I don't generally notice much when I accidentally bump into things until nasty bruises form. I've started IV's on myself before (albeit usually INTOXICATED in nursing school...but that is ALSO information for a separate post!) and most shots/pokes/prods, etc., don't phase me much.


But I DID assume I maintained "normal" feeling in my...er...Grand Teton area. And without going into gory details about any past experiences in that landscape region, I'm pretty sure I have reasonable sensitivity in my upper "hills and valley".


I just returned home from a long evening at work and disrobed (again, not said to frighten or nauseate you), only to discover my favorite ink pen I had been pining for all evening long remained nestled between my...er...hills and valley!!! I had somehow forgotten where I had placed it, even "bitching" royally at work that "someone" might have thieved it from me when I wasn't looking (we are all very protective of our favorite pens in my job...because we USE them so much). And what is worse?...NOT ONE OF MY COWORKERS MENTIONED THE OBVIOUS AND PROTRUDING BULGE I WAS DISPLAYING IN MY...er...CLEAVAGE AREA!!!
There it was...sticking out like a log fallen on a hillside...my favorite PhD pen poking fun. I wondered why I set off the metal detector at the jail, even AFTER I had "de-jailed" at my office and removed the "hazardous" items I usually carry (like keys, gum, etc...serious weapons to inmates, I'm sure...LOL). Fortunately, the evening guard/officer at the gate knows me well and did not submit me to the evil "wand". Had he done this, I would have surely been very embarrassed to hear the wailing beep of the wand sound as he passed it over my...er...frontal appendage area. And even much worse, having to suffer through the look of amazement and amusement as I retrieved a GIANT PEN from my...er...private space!


I'd sure like to blame this little fashion "fox paw" on MS, but even I know I can't get away with THAT one...

14 comments:

Diane J Standiford said...

I think this is a pathetic chance to brag. Some of us couldn't hold a...crikes! I can't even think of anything I could hold in them there hills. Next time you lose your keys you'll know where to look. Excuse me while I go work out.

Bubbie said...

Thanks for the Sunday Funny! That was a good laugh, obviously because it's something I can relate too. I once wore a new pair of dark denim pants to work, two days in a row before a friend told me I had the transparent size sticker that ran from the top of my right cheek and down the back of my thigh still on it. I didn't know whether to be embaressed or upset that no one else (including hubby) ever looked at my ass.

BRAINCHEESE said...

DIANE:

Oh, gawd! I wish!!! But the painful fact of the matter is, if it weren't for the makers of PLAYTEX CROSS YOUR HEART shoulder boulder holders, my KNEES would be pale white from the shade provided by the "bragging" area you speak of...hehe...

LD

harkoo said...

Tales of your "grande tetons" (I was married to a french-canadian) is certainly entertaining on a Sunday morn.

BRAINCHEESE said...

BUBBIE:

I'm better known for wearing around the "inspected by #22" stickers or the "size XX BIG ASS" round circles adhered to the cloth of new clothes! Yeah, there's something you want to wear around in public before discovering the tags at laundry time...

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

HARKOO:

I LIVE to entertain...even at the expense of my OWN dignity. LOL

How are YOU doing these days? Inquiring minds want to know...

LD

Miss Chris said...

That was definitely a funny anecdote! Especially funny to me because one night as I was disrobing, I began to take off my bra and a very warm, limp french fry fell onto the floor. I never did see it fall into my cleavage as I was eating...

BRAINCHEESE said...

MISS CHRIS:

OMG!!!! You just made me SNORT my morning beverage up my nose!!!! TFF...

What ELSE have you been hiding down there to munch on later?!? LOL

LD

Blinders Off said...

LD,

You are too much.

I could write a book, my girls was a curse to carry around. People paid to have twins I once carried...If you didn't know they grow back, but not as large.

D

BRAINCHEESE said...

BLINDERS OFF:

LOL...maybe you SHOULD write a book because I was unaware "they" grow back!

LD

Sharon said...

I actually can't put words together for a comment, I am laughing to hard. I think I just wet my pants. THANKS! You could have started out with "Make sure you have a potty break before reading"
Sharon

BRAINCHEESE said...

SHARON:

OOPS! That's usually MY line (the pants wetting part)...I'll take your warning response under advisement...LOL

LD

Have myelin? said...

The only thing I can contribute to this delightful post is I once found a miniature Butterfinger in my bra. It was after Halloween. Ya know...at that time they come in bite size pieces.

By the way, they melt....

BRAINCHEESE said...

HAVE MYELIN:

Did anyone (like your hubby) help you get that chocolate melt out of your...ah...

Did you even yell out, "Trick or Treat!"???

LD