Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Does This Chair Make My A$$ Look Big?...

OK, that picture is not really one taken of MY ever-expanding back side, but it "could" be...if I continue on the road of inertia and increased calories! As I once told a good friend of mine (a few years after being diagnosed with MS and packing on the steroid pounds), "If I keep this up, you're going to insist I get a motorized wheel chair because I'll be too heavy to push around." She didn't blink nor did she provide me some limited self-esteem by DENYING my statement was true...sigh. Truth only hurts if...well...it's TRUE.

Sadly, after my road to wellness this past summer and being able to increase my exercise while cutting back on my intake (and actually LOSING 15 pounds), I was hit broad side (pun so very much intended) with a relapse that provided me 11 doses of Solumedrol followed by Prednisone 3 times in just over a month. Needless to say, what took me over 3 months to lose (and gain back in strength), was quickly replaced with 15 mysterious pounds recurring in places it hadn't come off of and a substantial decrease in my stamina and strength. Adding on top of that, the holiday season coupled with simply not FEELING well for several weeks, and I have become what feels like an inert bubble of flesh...and I'm not "happy" with this turn of events.


I suppose this is what spurred me onward Sunday to begin a water fast...not the New Year...a generalized discontent with my physical presentation, which I had been feeling for most of the month of December. And, since I am off work this week due to Novantrone last Friday (and already feeling nauseated!), I decided now was as good a time as any to try and disrupt the dysfunctional cycle I have been spiraling around for many weeks.


Food and the ritual of eating is a very insidious "habit" for me...one that I do not always make myself consciously aware of. I have found in the past that the most productive way for me to interrupt this habit is to literally CEASE eating...to become mindful again of the sensation of hunger...and to reset my body's demands. I have to assume a *spiritual* approach to my eating/hunger as a means of becoming aware of the behavior.


From Sunday evening until midnight last night (yes...New Year's Eve...sigh) I consumed only water...large quantities of H20. I allowed my stomach\intestines to rest and empty while attempting to experience the same effect with my mind. Believe me, this process never HAS been an easy one for me and those 24+ hours were no exception. It is much easier to distract myself with food...it somehow feels "safer" to eat. I expend a great deal of mental energy convincing my mind (and body) I am not deprived (depraved maybe, but certainly NOT deprived), that I am in fact "safe", and there is great wisdom to be found in a mind and body that is clear.


I consequently discovered a few new insights...some within myself and some without. One of the most disturbing insights I stumbled upon "without" was just how many FOOD COMMERCIALS are on TV in any given hour! My God...if we Americans are consuming the amount of food shown on television commercials, it is no wonder obesity is one of the leading causes and complications of death in this country. And even commercials that were about DRUGS (and believe me, there are almost as many pharmaceutical commercials on as there are food commercials...but that's an entirely DIFFERENT post) had food in them. Foods that were high in cholesterol, foods low in cholesterol, fast food commercials, grocery store products...the list was ginormous matching only the ginormous a$$e$ of many in America. And I, unfortunately, have fallen into that category.


I have set a goal (not a New Year's Resolution) to return to my summer plan of wellness...after all, it DID work for me. I felt better physically and felt better about myself. Weight is a secondary issue because, even if I weighed 90 pounds, if I didn't feel good physically and mentally about myself, the pounds (or lack of) would mean nothing.


So this is where I am heading into the New Year...to gain some strength back and to feel semi-normal again. I will always have Multiple Sclerosis, but there are many activities I CAN do that are not limited by my MS. And MS certainly does NOT force me to lift a fork full of fries to my mouth whenever I want to feel "full" or "fulfilled".


It's all just food for thought...argh argh...

14 comments:

Diane J Standiford said...

You know that commercial where they say your high cholestrol is due to (photo of cake) or (photo of grandma)? Well, my obesity problem was Aunt Vi. Fat all my childhood, only running slimmed me to normal; but I could see the fat futre when I couldn't walk anymore. I had to
first stop eating as much and then stop thinking about food. I lost over 100lbs., but it seemed everyone I worked around was dieting and ALL DAY LONG they talked about food. Loudly. They joined the gym in our office bldg, they brought those big balls in(out) of their cubicles. It was all I culd do to not stand up and scream, STOP THNKING ABOUT FOOD SO MUCH! Because, there is little I hate as much as people who lose weight and then preach about how EVERYONE else should do what THEY did. (And it seems they always gain it all back after a year or so.) I know I will have a weight issue my whole life. The MS doesn't help. I have always wanted to try the water only (though I think I'll add some kind of cabbage/veg soup)cleansing dealy--I look forward to reading how it goes. Oh, those commercials/have trained(bow-wow) myself to look away. Am seriously thinking we neeed a ban on them, or if you have a KFC 1-min then they must include a brocolli ad. Why not? Good luck w/the water.

Have myelin? said...

A water fast? Sounds too much like waterboarding. *shudders*

Sharon said...

Couldn't have put it any better. It is like a spiral out of control with me. Two years ago I was so healthy. Not super thin or anthing like that but my mind was clear I had better energy, the ms was more in control. I don't know if one has something to do with the other. I do know when I eat crappy food I feel horrible the next day. Like a hang over. That is one of my major goals for the year.With the prednisone this year my body is so weak, it SUCKS. Back to being who I really am.

Bubbie said...

So much of our lives can become veiled from us. Like reciting prayers without knowing the meaning of the words, going through motions for events and traditions just "because" it has always been. Even the mundane of our daily routines become mindless.
Here's hoping we shall all be more "mindfull" in all we do and all we are, thoughtfully choosing our thoughts and actions rather than droning on mindlessly.
Be well and happy in the new year and in many many years to come.

mdmhvonpa said...

For some reason ... I'm not hungry anymore. Where is that damn celery stick!

Blinders Off said...

I have a fit when my neuro have me do three consecutive days of Solu-Medrol. I have a feeling she is going to suggest the drip Friday when I go see her. I hope it's for one day and not three.

I feel your pain on having to have eleven in one month.

BRAINCHEESE said...

DIANE:

Amen on the "balanced" advertising issue! The "water thangy" has gone well...I already feel better.

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

HAVE MYELIN:

Perhaps you are thinking of Chinese Water Torture? Which, by the way, the fasting issue isn't far removed from that!

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

SHARON:

Yes! That horrific hang over feeling unfortunately has not STOPPED me from eating crap, however...sigh.

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

BUBBIE:

You know I'm with you, not against you! LOL Here's hoping we can start up those things we've both set aside lately...those things that bring us contentment.

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

MDMHVONPA:

The celery is right next to the can of SPAM in your pantry, I believe!

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

BLINDERS OFF:

I think that's just a standard catch all drug dose for Soly...3 days...or 5...or 7. LOL Like counting any other number will somehow void the medication!

LD

Have myelin? said...

My Neuro got so mad at me for refusing Soly that now I have to see her every two months instead of 3 months.

Okay. What does that mean? I'm stubborn or she's out for revenge?

BRAINCHEESE said...

HAVE MYELIN:

Probably! LOL The "you're stubborn" part...LMAO

LD