I spent another day at home from work again trying to recover from "whatever"...I say "whatever" because neither Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named nor I are certain exactly WHICH issue is the culprit behind my aching head/neck/upper back, blurred left eye, fatigue, and cramping in my calves. I DID flip flop (hey! I could be a politician with that term!) my work schedule and suffer through two night shifts right before my Tysabri infusion...and then, there is the Tysabri infusion itself...which CAN cause headache and fatigue. Chicken or the egg? Doesn't really matter..."whatever" the cause, I've been feeling pretty crappy for two days. One can be certain of this "crappy" assessment because I have been SLEEPING/NAPPING repeatedly throughout the days since Tuesday night, which is something I rarely (if ever) do. Fatigue is the bane of my existence when it comes to loathing MS symptoms...it keeps me still and contemplative.
Somehow today, while doing NOTHING and lying about on the couch, I managed to tear the heck out of my right index fingernail...GAAH! I hate it when that happens. And once the tip of the nail is torn, I am destined to catch the darn thing on the tiniest of items and rip the HE!! out of it even further. My usual rescue technique is to take a piece of tape after filing the rough edges and try to plaster the flap of nail back down...I do this EVERY time...and EVERY time it NEVER works completely. Yet, I repeat this process over and over.
Today, as I was also lying about on my couch and admittedly feeling a bit sorry for myself, I did some serious contemplation of my navel lint (layman's terms for meditating on one's life...LOL). For somewhat unconscious reasons, today of all days (probably because I stopped long enough to really THINK about my life), I traveled down the dark and scary road of past and present relationships...of love gone bad (if any "X's" are reading this, of COURSE I am NOT talking about YOU!)...of current friendships and how I "relate" to those around me in my life. I was feeling somewhat "lonely" today for some unconscious reason and I didn't like the initial way this feeling was rolling around in my mind and body.
For some reason, I have always had a keen sense for attracting wonderful friends and a sharper sense of attracting disastrous love relationships. :-) This is not to say I have always found trusting and loyal friendships nor have my significant intimate relationships been completely a wash. There have been friendships that have broken my heart as well as significant loves that have lasted for years. But more recently, it has been my friendships that have sustained me while lovers/partners/mates have fallen by the wayside.
When I was diagnosed with MS in 2003, I was in the middle of ending a 12 year relationship...I just didn't KNOW I was in the middle of ending it. LOL I did not allow myself to think or feel beyond what was comfortable...which was the security of knowing there would always be someone there for me if I needed them. I simply put a piece of "tape" over my heart and carried on...repeatedly "snagging" the beating organ on seemingly mindless things...forgetting to "protect" the break and be gentle with myself (and now you KNOW I've lost my mind, connecting my torn fingernail with THIS topic, eh?!?).
What I discovered today while allowing myself to feel lonely was this: Lonely is just a feeling, but I am not ALONE. Yes, it is true...I DO live "alone" (minus the company of the Devil Kitty) and I sleep single in a double bed (isn't that a Country Western song?!). And there are times when I truly do long for the security and comfort of knowing there is someone "home" for me...someone who has my back...someone who will bring me a sandwich when I am too fatigued/dizzy/stumbling to find my way to the kitchen and make a meal myself...someone who will hold my hand during the petrifying moments of Multiple Sclerosis and assure me I will get through this, too.
I hear many stories from MSers who, due to their diagnosis, struggle to maintain their current significant relationship(s) or feel they have lost a significant relationship due to MS. I certainly would like to blame MY parting of ways after 12 years ON MS, but that's not really true...the relationship had died some time BEFORE the diagnosis...MS just provided the final catalyst/motivation to say good-bye...for BOTH of us.
But I also find it highly interesting (in a lint-in-navel sort of way) I have NOT wanted to seek out another significant relationship since my diagnosis and break up...which I DO blame on my MS! MS has provided me a different "comfort and security"...the ability to place yet another piece of tape over my heart and not RISK breaking it again...even though I know that tape won't hold...even though the "tape" comes with consequences. Such as feeling lonely like today.
Sooo...here's my question to YOU. Do YOU ever use your MS like a piece of tape to either hold something in your life together or create a barrier to keep something/someone out? I know this is a philosophical STRETCH here...but I also sense you are up to the challenge!...check your navel lint and get back to me...