Saturday, January 31, 2009

Moving My RANTS Right Along...Charmin Toilet Paper Commercials...

What can I say? It's been a week of CUI (Creepy, Unhealthy Interest) in all things BIZARRE (And, for the record, while I'm in the mood to discuss the oddities of life...the NAKED CLOWN CALENDARS are in!!!).

But (butt), it would be remiss of me not to mention the OTHER most unusual thing I saw this week (besides reading/absorbing myself in the Jonestown, California situation...see previous two posts for update). I'm talking about those red bear Charmin commercials that are flooding my TV screen of late. Here's a sample:

Alrighty...there is SO much WRONG with these ads, I simply don't know where to begin. But (butt), I'll give it a whirl:


Isn't THAT what Proctor & Gamble is REALLY trying to tell us in these sickeningly cute ads? WTF?!?

Now let me start somewhere at the beginning and why I rant. You see, I have survived the feminine hygiene product ads (Tampax...have a "Happy Period"), the Viagra ads (stoopid male musicians pretending to jam session together about their little, blue pill and erectile dysfunction), the Vesicare ads (weirdly constructed drainpipe people driving through the countryside following animals and unable to hold their bladders), the ads for dried up vaginas (KY Gel and massage oils), and even Beano (anti-fart pills). Good grief...I even survived Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Half Time wardrobe malfunction...and I'm still alive to tell about it. But(t), if I didn't know better (butt do I really?), I'd swear the people creating this recent rash of strangely peculiar commercials are high on weed or *ludes*...I haven't seen anything like these since Walt Disney came out with "Fantasia" (truly a stoner movie if there ever was one...or so I've been told...ahem).

I've got NOTHING against bodily functions and frankly, I rather MARVEL in the whole idea of the "forbidden" topics concerning our bodies...because I don't fully understand (probably my medical background) WHY these topics are forbidden in the first place. But(t), to talk about them in cutesy, little cartoons and highly bizarre song and dance steps is just WAY over the top!

Seriously...can't we have some adult conversations here? Or do you, Proctor & Gamble (among the other corporate offenders), think the American public simply isn't ready for that? Perhaps you think we are too STOOPID to understand your message if it is delivered straight forward? Well, maybe in Jonestown, California they are, but(t) not up here in the Microsoft/Starbucks capital of the world in Washington State, my friends! P & got some 'splainin' to do, and here are my questions:

2. Are the RED BEARS some kind of subliminal message we're supposed to equate to red, chapped a$$e$?!?
3. Why do the RED BEARS not wear any clothing, but(t) simply flag their bear (bare) a$$e$ around the TV screen with abandon? Is this REALLY the message you're trying to convey?
4. When was the "scientific research" conducted in which you concluded we (the Charmin-buying people) are walking around with bits of toilet paper plastered to our butts, aka, HUMAN DINGLEBERRIES, and WHY was I not asked to participate in this study?!? I have been a loyal buyer of Charmin for the past 25 years!! I'm feeling a bit left out here...
5. Who determined that my bare behind resembles that of running a piece of toilet paper across sand paper?!? Who's bare (bear) a$$ did you use as a MODEL for this determination? Remind me never to let them sit on any of my wood furniture please!
6. And finally, who determined the need to have my toilet paper woven to the strength of cables holding up a suspension bridge?!? WHY does it need to be so strong? I don't plan on using it as a rope to escape the top floor of a burning building...I think I was "good" with it BEFORE Charmin could stop bullets.

All this ranting today has plain worn me out...unfortunately, I'm scared to go lay down and watch prime time TV at this point out of fear the CHARMIN RED BEARS might attack! But(t) I will leave you, dear reader, with this one, final question about CHARMIN toilet paper.

Q: What does a piece of CHARMIN toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?

A: They both circle around Uranus searching for Klingons.

I rest my case...


TickledPink said...

OMG we are TWINS!!! I have asked myself nearly all those questions you brought up about the very same ad! (and marveled at the weirdness of the rest of the very same ads).

Here's something you will no doubt appreciate... My sister's old man works at a place that makes cardboard tubes. We have a GP plant in town and they make toilet paper and paper towels among other things.

The tube plant recycles all the "end of the roll" stuff for GP. Sometimes the employees are allowed to bring home stub rolls of product instead of recycling.

He brought home a 25 foot roll of paper towels the other day. He had to bend it in half to put it in their spare bedroom.

My sister said she doesn't ever use more than one paper towel a day....way less in fact. Since it's only about 8" wide, but it's 25 feet long.

The other day she complained about how it drags on the floor if she doesn't get it all wadded up right away, and the next thing you know, he's in there with a saws all...

I never asked her if they got any TP from them and if using it created HUGE dingleberries.

That TP commercial grosses me out. I, too, cannot believe they are trying to make cute bears gross with toilet paper stuck to their bare (oops bear) arses.

The next line to cross, and I'm sure they eventually will, is to show actual closeup footage of TP in use and two but(t)s side by side in a comparison.

I haven't' been here in a while (hanging head in shame) and will stick around to read a bit.


Webster said...

I have sat here, shaking my head at these commercials. Especially the one where mama bear follows baby bear around with a whisk broom and a dust pan. Unbelievable! Remember the good ole days with Mr. Whipple?

Webster said...

I have sat here, shaking my head at these commercials. Especially the one where mama bear follows baby bear around with a whisk broom and a dust pan. Unbelievable! Remember the good ole days with Mr. Whipple?

herrad said...


Great rant look forward to more.
Happily don't get to see the red bear advert but plenty horrible adverts especially on Dutch tv.
BBC luckily has no adverts they charge a large lecence fee instead.
Keep warm and rantingly happy.
my partners blog is


In college, I regularly tested products which were sent to my home. There were one occasion that I was sent toilet paper. Used TP A for a week, used TP B for a week, received a phone call to discuss opinions and results. Very interesting.

I definitely did have a preference and recognized my choice after it went on the market. The one I didn't like was prone to fall apart a bit in use.

My opinion is that Charmin tends to do this (at least the regular kind) and sheds too much "dust and lint" in the bathroom. Too messy.

And the bears remind me of some joke about a bear sh*tting in the woods.....

Blindbeard said...

Wow, Lisa, I did some of that product testing too. I got a conditioner one time that transformed my rat's nest of hair into some silky luxurious locks. Never did find out what that conditioner was but I'm on the look out for it.

Sara said...

I reckon that's the funniest joke I've heard all week (it is only Tuesday & yesterday was a snow day so not a lot of human contact for me ;) but hope you don't mind I'm going to put it up on my blog.

I'm off to Vancouver, BC tomorrow so I'll wave across the border to ya!

Jen said...


Anonymous said...

Many years ago I was picked to test various products and thought it would be interesting. Most of the stuff was assinine. They go through 1000 losers for a decent product. And the instructions they would send. Like with toothpaste: Please use this on a toothbrush, only for the purpose of brushing your teeth.
Uhm. OK. I guess that lets out eating it......

Spaz Attack said...

Let's face it BC... we all appreciate a good dump and laugh at potty humor

have myelin said...

OMG this is the funniest blog post and comment thread I've read in a LONNNNNG time!

I'm roaring with laughter!