Friday, September 14, 2007

My Life...In A Nutshell...

Facing the cold, hard fact I am currently feeling OVERWHELMED in my life is not an easy task...particularly for someone who's Modus Operandi is to make feeble attempts to be in control...of all things, all the time, at all places in my life. LOL Feeling "overwhelmed" certainly does not lend itself to filling my deep abyss of control issues.

But I am...overwhelmed...and not quite certain HOW to gain back my false sense of security I find in my illusion of being "in control".


The MS150 preparation and event seems to have zapped me of my super powers...it feels as if someone has secretly sewn a chunk of Kryptonite in Superman's cape. I cannot "catch up" on my rest/sleep, I have little to no patience/tolerance for surprises or flexibility in my life, my body aches as if I PERSONALLY rode the 150 miles of the event, and my mood is circling down the Universal Toilet.


It has not helped that my work life has been spinning violently out of control either...since the majority of my waking hours ARE spent at my job. Suffice it to also say, I am currently embroiled in a rather large dispute with my employer (not related to my MS), which I cannot discuss openly with the public, and the matter is sucking my will to live. LOL


I have also begun to notice a "chill" in the air, signaling the return of the Fall season. I generally enjoy this season, as the Fall colors are complimentary to my clothing choice options (or at least some overpaid SALES PERSON tried to convince me I was an "Autumn" on the color wheel years ago. LOL). But psychologically speaking, I also recognize the "Fall Season" as a time of introspect and taking one's inventory.


I wrote a post about this on the old AOHELL BrainCheese last year: Counting My Nuts . My personal psychological theory is, the Fall is a time we, as human "animals", inventory our personal cache in our psyche...if we have "enough" there to meet our needs for the long upcoming Winter of our souls, we relax into the season. And if we don't...well...it can be trying times. And right now, I'm worried my psychological pantry has not been stocked this past year to weather me through the winter.


I HAVE been quickly reading several of your MS blogs and noting a theme relating to mood and/or depression...as you will note, THIS blog is also paying homage to that theme today! LOL I have another theory about MS and season changes as well. I believe those of us with MS are already hypersensitive neurologically to these "shifts" because of our failing nervous systems and we become even MORE acutely "aware" or affected by these changes of season. It makes perfect sense to me we may ALL be experiencing a higher level of emotional/mental turmoil right now...and that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.


So, I suspect we should all just give ourselves a break (including myself) and realize we are NOT "breaking" during this time...depressive symptoms, mood changes, anxiety, etc., may simply be happening as a response to situations well out of our control, but heightened because of our MS and the season change. And if my personal psychological theory is received as a "load of crap", so be it. But if my theory helps even one of us to gain perspective in our MS lives right now, then my work here is complete.


And please take note: The title of this post is, "My Life In a Nutshell"...not "My Life In a Nutcase". It is difficult to lose something one never really had in their possession in the first place...like my MIND, for instance...LOL...

10 comments:

Miss Chris said...

Unfortunately we desert dwellers have yet to notice any change in our temps. They're calling for 107 today. It's September people! Can I hear a 95 degree day? I'll settle for 99. Heck, that's "cool" where I am.

Becky said...

It is rainy and chilly here in NY ...and it is all my fault!!!!

Sharon said...

I can totally relate. I didn't expect this for at least another month. Here in IL, 2 weeks ago we were battling with weather in the 90's. This past week it has been anywhere from the low 60's to middle 70's. My body is screaming, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!! Physically I do better in the fall to early winter but right now I feel like a mouse in a maze.

Steve said...

Hang in there.

Hey. Are you ever in the downtown area around lunchtime? I'm working there for another couple months and would enjoy getting together for a bite. Just don't tell my wife... :-)

Bubbie said...

It's a struggle for me to be introspective when I've been putting so much energy into denial. :) Facing facts now and simulatneously denying the inevitable might cause an implosion. Then my nutz would be scattered throughout the next 4 seasons.

BRAINCHEESE said...

MISS CHRIS:

All I can say is, YOU LIVE IN HELL!

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

BECKY:

Must be "mom" talk for absolutely nothing is perfect in your family's world? (And, I've read your blog, too!) Wide shoulders you have...

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

SHARON:

Don't you just hate it when your body talks back to you?!? Mine is using a bullhorn right now...

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

STEVE:

I only live 3 miles from "downtown" and a mere bus ride away...but I'm worried that "wife" may also be practicing BJJ and my ass would be grass in any type of "grappling". LOL

LD

BRAINCHEESE said...

BUBBIE:

Don't discount denial...it is more than a river in Egypt and can come in handy in MOST survival situations. LOL

LD