I'm talking about my "mood", or more importantly that "D" word...D-pression. And, although I would not go so far as to classify my mood as clinically depressed (situationally, yes...clinically, no), it HAS been fairly subnormal these past few weeks. And try as I might to maintain a "cheerful" disposition here on CHEESE, my mood has been weighing heavily on my writing...after all, I DO have a rather large elephant pushing its feet upon my chest! LOL
Working in the Mental Health Field (as I do) lends its own set of mores on how we, as psychiatric workers, deal with our own feelings/moods/emotions. Generally speaking, we are probably one of the more DYSFUNCTIONAL groups of people because our custom and "norm" is to NOT talk about these things as they pertain to us as individuals...pretty F-ed up, right? Sort of how police officers rarely discuss being "afraid"...they don't talk about fear because they are FACED with fearful situations day in and day out.
In my field of business, I am also faced with depression and a wide array of mental illnesses EVERY, single day...and, but for the grace of God go I, that I DON'T also suffer from one or more of the disorders I deal with (at least not routinely and on a chronic basis...let me clarify THAT statement! LOL).
But depression HAS been something I have had to face and deal with a few times in my life...serious, debilitating depression. I have always chosen the "better living through chemistry" (medications) and psychotherapy approach. These two approaches, in combination, have helped during these periods in my life and the episodes have always passed...eventually...not quickly enough for my liking USUALLY...but eventually.
I have alluded to several recent stressors in my life of late here on CHEESE...situational crises of which I am not at liberty to discuss due to the nature of their content (work-related mostly). These "emotional/mental" issues have been triggering all sorts of physical responses in my body...mainly, an exacerbation of chronic MS symptoms. Not relapse material necessarily, but a heightening of symptoms that have become chronic in nature over the years.
And when these type of situational life crises occur, it becomes a game of "Which came first? The chicken or the egg?" Did my MOOD cause this exacerbation and then, has this exacerbation caused my MOOD to worsen? It's a guessing game, of which I never have an exact answer...each one plays upon the other...as my mood worsens, my body reacts. And as my body reacts and becomes more dysfunctional, my mood worsens.
With Multiple Sclerosis, I have found this cyclic mind/body connection to be overwhelming at times. So much so, that I find myself sinking into a state of inertia...I become paralyzed (not literally, thank goodness!) with little ability to respond positively to even the most mundane aspect of my daily life. My physical and mental fatigue over takes me, my emotional dysregulation (fancy term for MSer's inability to regulate their emotions...thought you'd like me using the term, Bubbie! E.D. LOL) becomes even less controllable and I cry or feel rageful at the drop of a hat, my sleep becomes nil, my body pain becomes predominant, weakness, muscle spasticity, and visual disturbances become exemplified, and my over all sense of my life feels as if it has been flushed down the Universal Toilet.
I share this with all y'all here on CHEESE because I believe, 1) It is important to be honest, and 2) It is also important to have a sense you are not alone...me AND you. I am considered an "expert" in my field regarding psychiatric symptomology and behavioral analysis/prediction and yet, I too, at times experience the very disturbances of psyche as some of my patients...the very disturbances YOU talk about on your own blogs or in emails to me! I become a classic case of "teacher becomes student".
So, we can ALL now point our finger at the elephant who's been tromping around in the CHEESE living room, identify it, call it by name, and try to move it back to the zoo where it belongs...before it breaks any of my expensive virtual furniture here on this blog. LOL I will continue to make my feeble attempts at humorous posts here, but please understand little in my life FEELS funny right now...except for the idea I might be able to do the "I'm pinching your head" Kids In The Hall approach with my "elephant" and shrink it down to a manageable size!!! (Ask MDMHVONPA...he'll know what I'm referencing here...oddly...sigh)...