Dear Quantico/FBI:...

Recently, I've noted a few *hits* on the ol' statistics log from "Gate-23, Quantico Military Base", peering into an old post of mine regarding my thoughts on the movie, "Jesus Camp" (what else WOULD the military be interested in on this rambling blog?!?). For those of you not *in the know* about Quantico, Virginia, it IS the site of a large military base, which also houses the training academy for the Federal Bureau of Investigations as well as the Drug Enforcement Administration. I only know this because I *googled* Quantico and I, of course, am a BIG fan of the TV show, "Criminal Minds" (where the alleged FBI Behavioral Analysis Unit is housed...at least on the show!)...*Googling* and television are sound fact checks, aren't they?!? LOL

I'm pretty sure if the FBI (or ANY military branch for that matter) is gawking/snooping around here on CHEESE (and they're NOT actually *snooping*...if the FBI WANTED to look at this blog without me knowing it, they would...just like I'm sure they have pictures of my last colonoscopy framed on their desktops unbeknownst to me!), it is in response to the more recent shooting/murder of Dr. George Tiller in Kansas..."they" (the FBI) are probably monitoring blog sites closely now for bloggers that even TYPE the word abortion into the text of posts (for those of you again not *in the know* about Dr. Tiller, well...GOOGLE his name!) in search of FANATICS on BOTH sides of the abortion debate.

So, since "they"/Big Brother/FBI have already BEEN here on CHEESE lurking around (and I say this with great sarcasm) in search of information specific to my thoughts on abortion/Jesus Camp/religious fanatics (because, although I have had moments of LIVING in terror during my 45 years on this planet, I am NOT a *terrorist*!), I thought I'd just come clean now and save any time wasted on further investigation. Let me proceed:

Dear Quantico/FBI:

Contrary to any negative slander or libel about the CHEESE, I have never participated in or belonged to any type of terrorist group while living in the United States of America...unless one can count 4-H or the Kenny Roger's Fan Club as covert, organizational, terroristic groups. I do not own a gun of any type, but I DO possess a really cool sling shot and a baseball bat for self-defense purposes only. I also do not own a handgun because I would statistically be more likely to turn the gun on myself than to use it defensively. Does my lack of possessing a firearm now make me a member of the "Pro-Life" club? Or, do I HAVE to own a gun and believe firmly in Jesus and capital punishment before I can be considered a member of the "Pro-Life" Movement? Just wondering...

I was raised in the "Be Dipped Or Be Damned Church Of Christ", as a child, a fundamentalist, religious organization. My congregation WAS, however, quite progressive because we had a piano AND an organ for musical accompaniment (this is NOT the case in many of the Church Of Christ denominations). I left the BDOBD Church Of Christ when I attended college, converting first to Catholicism (because I needed the intense structure of a black and white world), then Judaism (because I needed to feel "chosen"), followed by a period of worshiping the Almighty Dollar. Once I accepted the fact I would never OBTAIN the blessings of the Almighty Dollar, I slipped into a period of worship/fellowship with Alcoholics Anonymous. My current religious practice would most closely resemble that of a Couch Pagan, who's philosophy is to "do as thou will, but harm none". Oh, and for the record here, I DO think Oprah has some terroristic qualities...you should probably check her out, too...I wouldn't drink HER Kool-Aid any more than I would that of Jim Jones. But I guess he choked and died on HIS Kool-Aid in Guiana, so that's a moot point, eh? You guys seriously never saw THAT one coming?!?

To address my political/personal/religious views about abortion (since I know that's what you are really interested in, after all...and whether or not I could be the next loose cannon, fanatical, narcissistic, antisocial gun(wo)man to pop a cap in some unsuspecting and undeserving individual), I'd have to first say I am not FOR abortion. Frankly, I'm not really "FOR" anything. I think when or if I become "FOR" something, I lose perspective...but that's just MY perspective on being "FOR" anything. I CAN and WILL tell you, I am AGAINST STOOPIDY, however.

My first exposure to abortion occurred in college (right before my conversion to Catholicism...hint, hint), when my good friend, who I didn't even know HAD a sexual partner (because I lived under the BDOBD Church Of Christ rock), announced she was pregnant. SHE was from a good, God-fearing, law-abiding, Catholic family, so naturally she DIDN'T TELL THEM. She also was only 19, single and a sophomore in college, and couldn't/didn't want to raise a child. We drove to Planned Parenthood in the far away city (out of the corn fields), crossed hateful, yelling picket lines, and she proceeded to have an abortion. I tried to talk her out of it at the time because I was raised believing abortion was a sin and that she would burn in hell. But I also did not/could not raise her budding offspring growing in her belly, so I kept her secret and accompanied her to the clinic...feeling dirty and sinful the entire way. I noticed none of the protester/anti-abortionist onlookers at the time ALSO never volunteered to feed, clothe, raise her unborn baby either, but I suppose that would require more than a grotesque picket sign and an opinion now, wouldn't it? Looking back on the experience, I think the CHOICE to have the abortion and crossing that evil, nasty, name-calling, spitting crowd of abortion protesters probably was sufficient PAYMENT for any sins she (or myself) might have accumulated. It was truly a low point in both our lives and, fortunately neither of us owned a GUN then, either.

My next encounter with abortion followed nursing school (along with two more dabblings in other religions) and employment in Houston, Texas. My other half at the time was a big shot, mucky muck in the Houston Planned Parenthood Clinic...the second largest PPC in the nation. Alcohol and life helped to soften my morals at this point, so the fact I was sleeping with a known "baby killer" at the time seemed somehow fitting. I say "sleeping with" rather loosely because, rarely was their a night we were not awakened by the Houston Police Department requesting the key to the main clinic so they could send their bomb-sniffing dogs through after receiving yet ANOTHER bomb threat. It was definitely a weekly occurrence if not more.

I lived and breathed Planned Parenthood and was privy to the many ins and outs of such an organization. The first time the other half called me in a panic on my day off, desperately needing a *recovery room nurse* for the abortion clinic, I have to admit was a turning point in my life. Not being FOR abortion, I had to make a quick decision: Could I really administer care to these women who had just willingly terminated their pregnancies? I probably consulted my spiritual gurus, Vodka and Lemonade, then put on clothes and drove downtown...it's all a bit hazy how I first started filling in as a nurse in the abortion clinic, but I did. And later, I even began VOLUNTEERING my nursing services to other parts of Planned Parenthood (I know!?! GASP!).

One of my most memorable volunteer moments at the Planned Parenthood in Houston was during the G7 Summit in 1990 (the precursor to the WTO). I DID volunteer as an escort prior to this Summit, walking women from the parking lot to the clinic, through spitting, name-calling, and hateful abortion protesters, but the G7 Summit called for a different tactic. Yes, dear Quantico/FBI (even though I KNOW you weren't there watching me then...no one was...especially not even the HOUSTON POLICE when we called!), I was the dirty, homeless woman across the street on the curb with the walkie-talkie down the front of her shirt (pre-small-cellphone-days), quietly calling into the building with status reports on the near 300 abortion protesters that flanked the perimeter during the G7 Summit. I was also the second one (roof top watcher had the first glimpse) to notice the group of teenage boys carrying gas cans from the nearby station toward the clinic. I was also one of the people who had gasoline thrown on them by these juvenile delinquents (in the name of GOD, of course) and threats to be set on fire if I didn't break the human barricade we formed to prohibit these pubescent, most likely sexually active without birth control, males from entering the building and setting IT on fire...while we patiently waited for the hands-off Houston police to FINALLY show their a$$e$ and PROTECT life and property. I DO hope none of these vehement abortion protesters ever had to experience someone spitting in their face and being called every vile and vulgar name on record...in the name of GOD, of course...I seriously don't wish that conduct on anyone, no matter WHAT God they choose to pray to.

I now WORK for a branch of the government (yes, you already HAVE my fingerprints on file) and my involvement with any type of political "movement" (religious or otherwise) consists of reading a political newspaper from the comfort of my toilet seat while relieving myself of any *inner* constipations of character or spirit. I attended a NARAL dinner once with Dr. SWWNBN, but I don't even donate MONEY to any political or religious organizations, unless the National Multiple Sclerosis Society counts (now that I think about it, they ARE a bit fanatical about their "Joining the Movement" cult!)? I probably WOULD donate money or time to the local Seattle Planned Parenthood, but they've never asked me to. I'm still not FOR abortion, but I remain AGAINST STOOPIDITY in my old age. And as far as religious affiliations go, let's just say my FAITH has kept me away from organized religions or cults...thank God.

So, Quantico/FBI, if you've come here to CHEESE in search of your next Postal Poster Child for your FBI's Most Wanted List, I'm (not) sorry to disappoint you. I'm about as apolitical, areligious, asexual, a-hole-ish as one can be without being completely a-nonymous and a-loser. BUT, if having an opinion IS considered being terroristic, then add me to that Post Office bulletin board...because, in the words of the late Charlton Heston (this may be considered blasphemy to Heston fans...brace yourself), "You can take my opinion...when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!" Or was that his RIFLE?!? I forget...