Friday, May 29, 2009

The OTHER "CHEESE", Children!...

Sure has been a week of weirdness out there...the same has held true here at BrainCheese. I've had some remarkably bizarre searched key words this past week and some are SO incredibly *interesting*, I thought I'd share a the form of personally addressing whoever the poor souls are that are typing these things into their search engines and being sent here:

"herion myserable cheese brain": I believe anyone who can't SPELL the word *heroin* should probably not be SEARCHING for information about it...especially when they are most likely HIGH on it! I cannot tell you how many times folks searching for information on the latest street drug called "cheese" drift over here to this Multiple Sclerosis blog's too many to count. Perhaps this is because the average age of a "cheese" user is about 14. That's right..."cheese", or the latest fad to hit the high schools and even grade schools, is a popular blend of Mexican black tar heroin and Tylenol PM, crushed up and snorted via straws or a dismantled ball point pen by school-aged kids. Of course the ADULT-aged drug dealers who are marketing this deadly crap aren't always particular if they are using Tylenol PM or just any crushed up, over the counter antihistamine. It is believed the blend, selling for as little as $2.00/hit or as much as $10.00/gram, got it's name because the product's coloring resembles grated Parmesan cheese...or, creative minds think the name may have also originated from the Spanish street name for heroin, "chiva". However the crap got it's name, the message remains the same to school-aged children: It's cheap and it's a high...much like what old farts MY age used to refer to as a *speed ball*. The only real difference is, most people didn't die from *speed balls* at quite the alarming rate in MY day as kids are dying after snorting "cheese"! The drug is only about 4%-8% heroin and the rest is antihistamine and byproducts of over the counter medications. So, if you're searching this blog for information about THAT kind of "cheese", maybe that's enough said...I'd rather you babies stick to the kind of "cheese" you put on a sandwich or, heaven forbid, just SMOKE THE WEED! At least THC/marijuana has less likelihood of KILLING you.

"blowout diarrhea": Oh, seriously...come on? Are you KIDDING me?!? I KNOW I tend to stray where most fear to go when it comes to bodily functions on CHEESE...I just can't believe that search term actually BROUGHT you here! Are you searching from a cell phone or laptop for this information? Because I would HOPE to gawd you are seated on the porcelain THRONE if you are desperately looking for information about this topic and NOT stuck to your seat in an office cubicle somewhere in downtown Manhattan!! Really...most likely you would find more *user friendly* information just typing in the one word: d-i-a-r-r-h-e-a. I'm sure there are many medical web pages out there that could answer questions about "blowout diarrhea" far better than THIS blog. Unless, of course, you are searching for funny, anecdotal "blowout diarrhea" stories that most would be too embarrassed to tell in public...then you've obviously come to the right place!

"can I get numbness in my face from a window fan?": Dear person searching for this information...I don't usually give out advice here on CHEESE let alone MEDICAL advice. But I'm going to take a risk on this one and chance malpractice lawsuit. NO. you CAN'T get numbness in your face from a window fan...unless you stick your CHEEK or NOSE directly in the path of the whirling blades!!! If you'd LIKE your face to become numb from your window fan, I suggest you try this little maneuver: 1. Remove the outer covering of your window fan, usually called the *cage* or *casing*. 2. Turn your window fan on high speed, being cautious not to stick your fingers in the path of the blades, lest you also sustain numb fingers. 3. Lean into the whirling portion of the rotating fan blades with your face. 4. Keep a towel nearby to mop up any excessive blood loss should you need it. If your face does not become numb from excessive swelling within 5-10 minutes, I suggest you seek medical attention immediately. I am quite certain the numbing agent used by a physician to stitch your facial lacerations WILL achieve your desired effect. :-)

"before and after hair arrangement jokes": Mkay...this one completely stumped me...until I recalled posting a blog entry maybe last year regarding my 1/2 missing eyebrow. I don't think this topic is particularly *joke-y*...I'm MISSING 1/2 MY EYEBROW people! It's not an unusual fashion statement and I didn't create this phenomenon deliberately via trichotillomania (disorder where one PULLS their hair out)! It's from yet ANOTHER autoimmune disorder called *alopecia areata* (my freakin' hair just falls out in patches or strange places, like my eyebrow and eyelid). It's really NOT all that funny...unless you are my friend, "T", who likes to approach me with one index finger curved and placed over the area where the eyebrow should be on her forehead saying, "Hi, how ya doin?" Now THAT is funny! And there are the Groucho Marx glasses with the eyebrows and nose glued on them that another friend likes to tease me about wearing as a quick "fix" for my strange hair loss THAT is pants-peeing funny!!! But you won't find any *before and after hair arrangement jokes* siree...that would be crass and crude. And you all know what high level of sophistication I strive for here on CHEESE...

**Burp, armpit fart sound**


Shauna said...

Not surprising that I am the proud owner of a pair of those Groucho Marx glasses (not to mention an Olympic yo-yo and a Dick Tracy camera)and while putting them on recently discovered that one eyebrow is missing from them....perhaps it's yours?


Kelley said...

OMG, you're killin' me here! I cannot believe that people stumble upon CHEESE by some of those search terms. (Kelley going to dry off glasses, monitor and underpants.)


Anna from NJ said...

I've been reading your blog for quite some time and I LOVE it.
As you probably noticed I'm a regular here (from NJ). Your sense of humor sometimes gets me through the day. Today's post got me almost "pants peeing" (especialy "blowout diarrhea" and "...face numbness...") which is not a good sign for MS-er, diagnosed little over a year ago. Keep up great job!

Lisa Emrich said...

Many of the people who find my blog through searching want to know Hugh Down's Secret......whatever. I wrote one post about this stupid infomercial I saw in which Hugh Downs was the featured celebrity. Huge amount of books being sold using his name.

The other most popular topic has got to be Provigil, its price, the lack of assistance program, etc.

And third may just be the piece I wrote about a particular "chiropractor" in town who gives "seminars" and whose wife is the head of the local Scientology branch. Title of that post is "In the Pursuit of Health and Wellness." Very interesting information I learned during a brief encounter.

The most recent topic gaining in search ranks is any combination of multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, or MS and RA. Hey, I've done that same search myself. LOL.

Erin said...

These are great! Of course they are better with your input added!

Have Myelin? said...

I was in the middle of my cereal when reading your post when I realize I had a yogurt bite in my nostril. I then had to clean my laptop...very gingerly of course hoping that none of the milk had shorted out my motherboard.

If it has, you shall be hearing from moi.

Blindbeard said...

I get a ton of search hits for Colon rx because I once put it in my Dear Blindbeard post. I LOVE Shauna's comment about the missing eyebrow and it possibly being your's! That's hilarious!

Lazy Julie said...

That's hysterical! How to I find out what keywords people are using to search my blog?
Lazy J