As some of you know, I am a nurse by trade and I only play a doctor on the Internet...and, after today, I believe Cracker Jacks may be revoking my medical degree altogether!
I received an email from Saint EB a few days ago, which stated, "Why are you never around when I need you?!" I assumed she was experiencing some type of cardiac arrest, so I immediately picked up the phone and dialed.
It seems Saint EB's frantic, yet indirect cry for help, was regarding her *skin* (which, I guess for a diva, this issue IS almost as serious as a heart attack!)...EB was experiencing a severe drying of her outer coat of flesh and no amount of lotion was relieving the discomfort. In fact, it only seemed to be making matters worse...the lotion, that is.
We ARE experiencing a colder than usual winter here in Seattle, so it's only natural those with tender and "sensitive" skin might be scaling up like a Carp fish...me? No...I've never used lotion in my life, which I am certain comes from absolutely clean living (for those of you who know me well, you will be severely punished for divulging what my "clean living" REALLY consists of...**belch** typed while choking on an Oreo).
I attempted my best psychiatric phone intervention to calm her nerves (which consisted of laughing out loud and exclaiming, "Oh, Gawd!"), and then reassured her I held the medical key of knowledge that would unlock the mysteries of a return to healthy, moist skin. "Eucerin", I exclaimed.
"Whaaaat?", EB replied back, as though I had belched on the word (see above...I WAS eating an Oreo). But I hadn't belched, so I repeated the brand name once again, slowly and deliberately, fearing her scaling flesh had also rendered her dumb and possibly deaf.
"Eucerin", I said with absolute certainty.
I explained to Saint EB that Eucerin (no, I am NOT being paid to "plug" this product here...it's just dayumed good!) was a topical lotion containing *urea* and it would resolve her body dandruff in no time. I hopped gingerly up onto my medical soapbox podium and proceeded to provide her with a soliloquy about the product that would have made Hamlet proud...I explained how *urea* and any lotion with *urea* in it, made from the urine of animals, was the best product to use because it was the closest "match" to the human body and what the human (came from apes) body needed. I smugly rambled on about how scented lotions, particularly those containing *alcohols*, were B-A-D for human skin because they dry the skin OUT, not hold moisture in. I really should have charged her a consultation fee for this...LOL
A few days later, I once again talked with Saint EB...she was singing the praises of Eucerin, which she immediately went out to buy based on my in-depth medical knowledge. There was only one problem with my "knowledge", however...the Eucerin product SHE bought contained NO *urea*.
"WOOT?!", I exclaimed. "Well, it USED to", I went on to add, secretly knowing she might not recognize *urea* on the label...after all, she just manages an entire OFFICE of about 45 people. I, on the other hand, have an Internet Medical Degree from Cracker Jacks!
"Nope. No urea", she said this time with conviction. "But it's really working, so thank you for recommending it".
I couldn't WAIT to get off the phone with her to hit my medical library (AKA, the Internet and Wikipedia...where I do ALL of my highly trained medical research). I absolutely KNEW she must be wrong.
Well...here I sit dejected...AND, trying to shove my medical degree back in the tiny box (wait! There's one last piece of caramel corn in there! Oh, sorry...I got excited and distracted finding a morsel of Cracker Jacks left in the box). I consulted the Eucerin Website and MOST of their products DO contain *alcohols*, although they say they are the "good" kind. AND..."some" of their products DO contain *urea*, but get this (and I quote directly from the website's FAQ page)..."Urea is a skin conditioner and humectant (meaning that it draws moisture into the skin). It occurs naturally in the skin, as part of skin's natural moisturizing factor. The urea in Eucerin products is synthetically produced from inorganic salts and does NOT come from any animals or humans."
Well, waddaya know? The dayumed crap works WITHOUT the pee of a Himalayan Yak! Who knew?!? **mumble, mumble under my breath**
**Footnote: No animals were harmed in the writing of this post**