Friday, February 15, 2008

C.T.D...

C.T.D...Circling The Drain. It's very callous nursing humor/dark sarcasm for when someone is about to die. Used to actually CHART this abbreviation in reports when I was in nursing school in the Stone Age. Goes right along with F.L.K...Funny Looking Kid. That abbreviation ALSO got removed from child birth medical records sometime in the late 70's I'm told (but you might want to check your birth records just in case! I did...LOL).

I "feel" as if I am C.T.D.-ing right now, but not in the literal sense. Or maybe it is the sensation my HEAD MAY EXPLODE trying to keep track of my life in the moment? Or it could be I am clinging to the furniture, trying not to get SUCKED UP by my life right now? Because it IS kind of doing that for the time being...sucking. LOL

Yeah, yeah...pity party. Whatever. Call it what you want...I've penciled myself in on my calendar to "experience the funk" of my current life situation(s) until Monday morning. And then, after Monday, I have no more time for this "mood" I am in...no more energy to be wasted on anxiety/fear/sadness...it's back to being my typical caliber of BITCHY without the addition of this "mood".

I'm sure it has not helped that I was in a fairly major car accident on Wednesday...my body IS NOT adjusting well to its newfound muscle aches and joint pain. It appears I may have actually gripped my steering wheel so hard in anticipation of the crash, that I have nicely JAMMED my left thumb! But even this too, shall pass...and I DO appreciate all y'all's comments in the previous post. It's very kind of each of you to hold my place while I lick my wounds. Oh, and seriously...to any of you driving an SUV? No insult intended to YOU because I KNOW you are reasonable and safe drivers! It just scared the bejesus out of me to see this monster Lincoln Navigator come up over my hood...I am now frightened of ALL big wheels...just like I am of BIG DOGS since being mauled as a kid. Nothing personal. :-)

I am still without wheels (although I'm not so sure I really WANT to be out driving right now anyway), but hopefully this will be resolved tomorrow. Anne asked in the previous post comments if I have insurance for a rental? The answer is, "Yes. I am more insured than God". LOL It has just been a difficult battle of sorting out WHO'S insurance will be paying for what as I did not WANT the other party's carrier to do what I have heard they typically do...CHEAP REPAIR AUTHORIZATION. I wanted MY carrier to authorize the claim/repairs (if my "Luna" is not totaled...still waiting to hear the final report) for certified Honda parts only, and then have MY carrier go after the other carrier for reimbursement. It seems we have now reached a "deal" on this, which STILL may be all for naught if my poor car is put to sleep and buried...sigh...

Yesterday I lost my house keys on the Metro bus while trying to get from my house to my neurologist's office (you can BET I cussed and stomped about THIS event for several hours...and cursed the SUV driver that caused me to have to TAKE said bus in the first place!). Then after arriving, I waited for over an hour to see Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named because of some clinic SNAFU. She sent her unsuspecting resident in first to interview me...poor child. I simply wasn't in the "mood".

After a few short, questions followed by my curt answers, Baby Doctor/Resident said, "You seem a little down. Are you doing OK?" (**Listen for the door opening widely for sarcasm here**) To which I replied, "Well, let's see. I had a fairly major car accident yesterday that may have totaled my car and I am in more pain than usual today because of probable whiplash and a jammed thumb. I've been on the phone for the past 3 hours with butthead insurance agents and, while on the bus trying to answer yet another call from butthead insurance agent #1, I somehow managed to lose my keys to my house out of my pocket and now I'm not quite sure HOW I will get back into my house before I have to go to work for 10 hours this afternoon. Other than that, I'm pretty much having a typical day." (**And, I gingerly shut the sarcasm door**) Baby Doctor went and got Dr. SWWNBN. LOL

I wasn't even in the "mood" to banter "regular style" with Dr. SWWNBN. We had some serious things to discuss...like my labs, my whiplash, my Novantrone...my stopping Novantrone to "rechallenge" Tysabri.

Yes, you read that correctly. "We" have decided to stop my Novantrone (to "save" about a year's worth for the future, since there is a lifetime maximum on the amount one can receive...in case I NEED it more later) and "challenge" the Tysabri again. You might remember (although I don't understand WHY you would?!?) I had to stop the Tysabri last fall in 2006 because I had an "anaphylactoid reaction", AKA, broke out in a rash during infusion. I was put on Novantrone following this event because my MS continued to progress. In December, I had labs drawn to check for Neutralizing Antibodies for Tysabri (NAB's) and this was negative...meaning my body did not create antibodies to REJECT the Tysabri, so it still may think the Tysabri is OK to pulse around in my veins. There has been another year gone by of MSers receiving Tysabri, data collected, and the current school of thought is to "retry" Tysabri for someone like me who doesn't show NAB's in their blood work. And, since Interferons are off the table for me (as is Copaxone because it didn't WORK), I'm back to considering Tysabri. Dr. SWWNBN anticipates one or more of the oral disease modifying treatments now in study "may" get final FDA approval by 2010 and 2012...but that's still a long way off in MS time. So...Tysabri.

I am supposed to get yet another MRI (I think I will now have accumulated enough time in the TUBE from MRI's to win a trip to Disney), more blood work (An HIV test of all things? I did remind her I was not an IV drug user nor a gay male...LOL), another Echocardiogram of my heart just to make sure the Novantrone has done no harm (and I sooo enjoy ice cold "lube" smeared under my ta-ta's), and a load of paperwork to fill out again for the TOUCH Program (Tysabri watchdog folks)...short of a colonoscopy and lobotomy, I think everything will be covered from end to end with all these tests. If all is well, I may be restarting Tysabri as early as April or May (there's a "washout" period between coming off Novantrone and starting Tysabri of 3 months...mandatory).

And, not unlike YOU this time of year, I am needing to get my income tax information together and meet with my tax accountant...if all of this doesn't suck me down the drain, I don't know what would!

Off to bed now to MOPE some more...it IS on my schedule after all and I may need the full 48 hours I've allotted myself to have my "mood". Of course, about 18 - 20 hours will be spent at work this weekend, a hopeful 16 will be spent sleeping, and that ONLY leaves 12 - 14 hours of actual MOOD time. Surely that is enough time to feel sorry for myself...isn't it?!?...

8 comments:

Shauna said...

Darlin', go lick your wounds and mope. We're here for ua'.
S.

Anonymous said...

I am not a hugger but I’ll hug you anyway (albeit binary)…
Hang on tight , it shall pass..
Myself, I reserve a day a week for just plain crying! You know , the old fashioned one , weeping, sobbing the works.. It drives people nuts ( did I mentioned how many times I’ve been married ?LOL) but works for me…
Adina

Lauren said...

Best wishes Linda on trying Tysabri again. I'm so glad that Novantrone worked for you last year. Hopefully, Tysabri work for you this time, or at least keep your MS stable until you need Novantrone again.

I'll be thinking of you, all my best...

Lauren

pb said...

Get back on the horse again, as they say.

Seriously, it took forever to get over the feeling that oncoming cars were going to hit me (again), so you may want to drive, little excursions at least, as soon as you are up to it.

Unfortunately, they don't give sedatives to help us return to driving after an accident. Or maybe that's a good thing.

Again you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anne said...

I can certainly understand the fear of getting behind the wheel of a car again. Big tractor trailers were my demon when I went back to driving after my first accident.

I also understand the MOPE and if I could, I'd join you. Moping is best enjoyed alone but misery loves company.

I trust you found the keys to get back in the house as you are blogging again?

So for 3 months you will be taking nothing till Tysabri? How do you feel about that? I guess your doc will manage you with steroids or something if you get worse?

After a car accident, MS can go haywire. I'm thinking of you, Take care. Anne

Bubbie said...

I'm sure it's hard to feel grounded when you've been in an accident, but add to that a changing of your treatment regimine and there's no wonder you are feeling that spiral.
If you are anything like me, I get hit the hardest when I lose that illusion of control. Take care.

mdmhvonpa said...

Airforce speak: Corkscrew: To loose control of ones aircraft and drill oneself into the terrain. Fast, painless and relatively little remains to collect.

Callie said...

Geezus, that sucks! Take your mood as it is.......You're allowed!