Friday, May 05, 2006

It's All About Balance...And A Little Luck Doesn't Hurt Either!..

Ok, I didn't write in The Blog sue me! I'd say I simply forgot, but that would be a lie. I didn't forget, I just ran out of time. And I ran out of time because I've been RUNNING for the past week!

Somehow this past week, I managed to schedule an appointment every morning and still go to work full time. I don't know how or why I put myself through these marathon weeks, but this certainly was not the first one I was able to put myself into a tail spin over. And what is worse is every appointment had to do with PROMOTING my health via doctor's appointments while slowly wearing myself down. It's now Friday evening and I feel like the short nub of an eraser worn down to the metal casing...there is an evil, little voice inside my head screaming, "It's all about balance, baby!" Yeah, like I didn't know THAT already.

Tomorrow morning I go for my final appointment of the week (yes, on Saturday) to get my third MRI of the week...yes, I realize I blogged last week about getting TWO MRIs in one week, but I was wrong. It seems the hospital where I did my first MRI (remember I had to get two because the Rituxan Study people are being piggish about sharing their information with my current neurologist??) somehow "forgot" to do the brain scan portion and only did my spine, so I have to return tomorrow to see if they can find my brain. They have assured me, however, they will not be charging me for two scans (a consolation bargaining point I'm sure)!!! do you "forget" to scan someone's brain? I'm just curious. I DID ask the radiology department this question, but no one seemed to have an answer, so I've made up my own. Drum roll please......

I don't think they "forgot" to scan my brain at all. I think I "willed" it not to happen. Why, you ask? Because I really don't want confirmation of what I have already been told by my Rituxan Study neurologist...I have new brain lesions. And I don't want to know this because it has already been suggested I start on another interferon, which I do not want to do. So if I don't see it on film, it's not happening in MY head, and therefore, is not a problem. This sounds perfectly logical to me.

Not only am I trying to balance out my marathon week of appointments, but also my issues of logic (or illogic, as the case may be), and it IS quite a tight rope I am placing myself upon. I know on some level I will have to confront what is most likely occurring in my noggin, but I'm simply not ready to do that just yet.

So I'm hoping to "will" the MRI department tomorrow to perhaps send some healthy person's results to my neurologist on Tuesday and I can claim complete cure from MS...I just need a little "scale tipping" in my direction right now, even if it's only an illusion.

I know, I know...It's all about balance, baby...I KNOW!

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