Sometimes, I wish I were dead. It's true...I imagine all the sleep I could be getting via Eternal Slumber and I get jealous (if only briefly) of those who have crossed the Heavenly Divide. And, sometimes I wish I weren't in this body (dead or not)...especially when it *acts up*. There's hardly anything worse than the betrayal of one's body...well, other than being DEAD, that is! Hehe...
1) Began a week and a half ago with dizzy *spins* episode...I fell and hit my head rather hard as a result of the first onset of dizziness (see previous post on *goose egg*)
2) Fatigue began to worsen around the same time as the first episodic *spins*, gradually becoming severe and debilitating
3) Dizzy/*spins* returned on Tuesday of this past week, worsening...creating moderate nausea
4) Left eye tic
5) Increased confusion
6) Decreased sleep/insomnia
7) Anxiety...resulting from continuous dizzy sensation
Let me apologize now if this post reads in disjointed fashion...it's just the way my brain is working right now. And it is taking all of my effort to look at my laptop screen without feeling urges to vomit (no, NOT because I am horrified by what I am writing! It's the light/movement of it all, silly).
Yeah, so I've been feeling like cow dung on a hot, summer day at noon...smelly and repulsive...for the past 5 days...and not a medical professional among us/me can unlock the mystery as to WHY. Gawd knows there's been valiant effort to do so...thousands of insurance dollars have been sucked up by the health care system monetary vacuum just this week in an effort to answer the mystery question: Why? And what?
I've mentioned before in this blog that I would sell my own mother for the promise of never having to feel nauseated/vomit again. I ABHOR that feeling with great passion. I have been known to stand barefoot in snow drifts to keep from hurling...for some odd reason suffering near frost bite seems to shut down the part of the brain that controls upchucking...just something I learned along the way of my *NO HURL* rule.
So, you can possibly imagine the utter horror I began to experience when the dizziness returned with a vengeance on Tuesday, causing waves of nausea to set in? I IMMEDIATELY and without delay consulted Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named...she emailed me to say she thought I was experiencing "post concussive syndrome" from hitting my head. I emailed her back a not so pretty reply saying she wasn't listening to me/reading my typing closely...I WAS EFFING DIZZY BEFORE I HIT MY HEAD, WHICH WAS THE CAUSE OF ME HITTING MY HEAD IN THE FIRST PLACE LAST WEEK!!
A long saga could grow longer at this juncture...suffice it to say, I begged a spot on the good doctor's schedule on Thursday and went in to see her kindly associate (Dr. SWWNBN also had to poke her nose in my room/business, probably feeling slighted that I had questioned her not-so-well-thought-out response in email and was choosing to attach myself like disturbing fungi to her more kindly associate).
Dr. SWWNBN's kindly associate did a full neuro exam and was puzzled. I was NOT complaining of vertigo (had that before and never want it again!), but instead dizziness. My blood pressure was elevated, my left eyelids felt like a ticking time bomb but I was not experiencing nystagmus (eyeball tics), and I was beyond fatigued exhaustion...I was also told my pulse was "thready" and K.A. (kindly associate) discovered I've been walking around with a heart murmur probably since birth (I dunno...doncha THINK someone might have found that benign heart defect BEFORE during one of the multitude of tests I've had in the past?!??!). K.A. went and fetched Dr. SWWNBN and they both sat and stared at me for several minutes.
Threats of medical tests flew wildly around the 6 X 8 exam room...a threat of hospital admission was quickly squashed by me...threats to send me to the ER were also *poo-pooed*. I wasn't dying...I just WANTED to.
I had stat labwork drawn...this resulted in finding a low normal TSH level (thyroid stimulating hormone), but it was STILL within normal limits...probably not the culprit behind the symptoms. I passed my neuro exams relatively well...this (whatever THIS is) wasn't feeling completely neurological in nature. The thought my heart could be malfunctioning entered the picture.
I consented to a repeat echocardiogram on Friday (I was on Novantrone at one time, which can cause cardiotoxicity, aka, congestive heart failure) as well as my five hundredth gazillion MRI and something new, called an MRA (magnetic imaging that looks specifically at the vessels in the brain and spine). All in all, this testing process took up about 5 hours on Friday...I was exhausted/sickly/anxious BEFORE I got the testing done and, by the time I returned home (not without entertainment from my local Somali Yellow Cab drivers) I was completely spent. I got carrying copies of my MRI/MRA (I suggest this to every MSer...keep your own dayumed copies of testing...diagnostic facilities can and will release a copy to you) and brought them home to peek. Since I've only seen like five hundred gazillion MRI's done of my brain, I feel pretty comfortable interpreting my own scans...and I saw NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY MS BRAIN. No enhancements, no tumors, no gaping black holes...just my standard brain on MS and no diagnostically active disease process.
Yet, still I feel ill. And by the 5th day of dizziness/nausea/severe fatigue, I can honestly say I have thought, "I hope this ends soon or actually kills me". Food is not my friend...sleep is not my friend (because the dizziness/nausea keeps waking me or won't allow me to fall asleep)...and my FRIENDS are quickly becoming not my friends due to incessant whining on my part. :-) I have settled on the notion this must simply be something viral (although I've had no fever, malaise, body aches to speak of) OR...I have developed Somatoform Disorder or Munchausen's (psych disorders). That would STILL keep this all in my head even WITHOUT blaming the MS that IS in my head!
I did start taking Meclizine (anti emetic/motion sickness medication) at the suggestion of Dr. SWWNBN and also added Klonopin today because my anxiety was climbing toward the roof to jump (my anxiety was, not me!). I have let K.A. know if this doesn't pass soon, I will be begging K.A. for steroids to *pretend* this is MS-related just to see if the roids might assist.
And now I ask YOU, dear MS readers (all two of you): Have you ever experienced similar symptoms that were non-vertigo-esk, yet had accompanying dizziness/severe fatigue/nausea? I'd like to get some feedback if anyone ELSE has had anything similar that just won't go away (I actually believe if this were viral in nature, I would be seeing some relief by now...sigh)? I'm pretty sure this isn't my ticker (heart) even though those test results have not returned yet.
I just feel SICK, but not in a flu-like bug/germ-y sort of way...and I kind of DO want to close my eyes and just pretend I'm dead at the moment. Anyone? Am I completely alone here??? Somebody throw me a frickin' bone here and tell me this, too, shall pass...or I will...either way, I'm good with it...LOL