Thursday, June 26, 2008

"It Is Finished" (Said With My Best Martyred Voice, Hanging High On My Self-Made Cross!)...

At last...the kitchen/dining room painting project is completed...in spite of my numb-turned-to-fire-fingertips! Just goes to show you (aka MYSELF) what I can accomplish when I put my mind (and body) to it.


Yes, my fingers were cumbersome then painful throughout the project...big deal. Those of us with MS know how to work around challenges. If we didn't, many of us would never even get out of BED everyday. And yes, my cement neck hurt(s) like a son-of-a-gun...nothing that can't be managed via "better living through chemistry" (aka, drugs). LOL


There are far too many days when I wake up in the morning and just want to give up. I want to hide between my sheets and somehow hope life will just whirl past me to some fantastic "end", where I can yell out, "Do over!" and get to try this thing called living one more time. It's not about being depressed or hopeless or suicidal or listless...it's about *wishing* for some kind of magical clean slate without MS. It's about REMEMBERING a time of feeling immortal and invincible...remembering a time when this thing called living seemed less of a chore and more of a promise. And then I remember a conversation I had once with someone who became sightless during their adolescent years, and perspective returns in my world.


My blind acquaintance lost their sight at the age of 14 due to a genetic disorder. Prior to this age, they had 20/20 vision. I remember feeling so horrible to hear their story of being able to see the world once, then having it removed from their vision forever and I commented on how absolutely devastating that must have been for them...after all, wouldn't it have been better to have never had sight at all than to LOSE something so precious and KNOW it was gone?


My acquaintance (who at the time of the conversation, had been sightless for over 20 years) said this to me: "Had I never had sight as a child, I would have never truly seen beauty...I would have never been able to appreciate the colors and the movements people can describe to me now in my world. And I certainly would have never come to appreciate the senses I rely upon and have had to learn to use in different ways to "see" the world as you do through eyes. I am so lucky to have seen the beauty around me, if only for a short time."


When my MS begins to drag me down and I feel "unlucky", I remember this conversation. I have KNOWN what it is like to run a race...to sprint across a finish line...to shoot a basketball through a hoop...to hike a mountain trail...to look up at stars (before vertigo)...to be pain-free...to party all night (before fatigue)...to speak eloquently...to accomplish much in little time. These things I have KNOWN and my mind and body have not forgotten. How very "lucky" I am in life to have had these experiences...how very lucky I am in life to still be able to complete projects around my home...even IF it is far more difficult to do with MS.


How very lucky I am that I can SEE the new color of my kitchen walls:
And SEE and FEEL the coolness of the new tiles on my floor:
And how very lucky I am that I can say, in spite of MS, I DID THIS...that I still CAN do this...and, it is finished.

12 comments:

Shauna said...

It is done....and it is good....

We really do have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. And a sense of accomplishment is a great booster to the psyche.

S.

Bubbie said...

You are a Goddess. Now on the 7th day, REST damn it!

Feels good to have accomplished what you set out despite it being more difficult then we could have ever imagined BMS, Good job..now rest on your laurels. Don't be looking at other walls in other rooms now. I mean it...look away.

harkoo said...

I have to rethink my previous advice to you--"you must rest and not overdo things" Obviously I am losing my touch as your private mental health nurse...(from one who has always hired people to paint her walls and put down her tiles and has never known that sense of accomplishment)

Anne said...

A job well done! Now take a well deserved rest.

You are a far more productive MSer than I, even daring to take on this challenge. So give yourself a pat on the back because you have earned it.

Good work!

Nervus Rex said...

DONE like Dinner!! Way to Go, GRRL! You pushed through and got a beautiful color (my friend has this color in her kitchen and it is wonderful). The tiles are marvelous, too!

Now rest, and dream, and don't try to do anything dangerous for a while!

(hey-- how the heck did you get through this without giving us any eyeball or finger stories??)

Spaz Attack said...

Wow..U R riding a Tall Horse, ain't cha Hoss?? Perhaps it's a Trojan HOrse?? Your Attitude of Gratitude seems a bit outta character for a picture-snatching blog miser(LOL) Perhaps I Can take this moment to share ANOTHER Blog viewers can View the photo is question? http://patternedspeedhorse.blogspot.com/

A self-made Cross?? With U MS skewed mind I think it's slipped into an X, as in X marks the Spot, as in MS STrike a Blow HERE, at this puny earthling - ha

Truly I am VERY happy for you and YOUR Body in accomplishing your major ProJECT -- a MS gals gotta do what She's Gotta Do, right??

Well Done good Slave,Well Done.

And I'm glad you liked the photo enough to "Grab"

Your kitchen wall color is similar to mine...Just goes to show ya we gots some similarities in our warped minds -- and cement laden bodies (LMAS)

Hope your Work Day is Tony Tiger GREEAAAAT!

Denver Refashionista said...

It is easy to get down about the MS. Sometimes I think for a moment, do I really have this disease? Then the next morning I wake up feeling like I can hardly get out of bed. Sometimes I too want to just give up and be done with it and then I remeber how I almost died in the ER two months ago, how each day I live is a gift and I find a way to get up and go again. Clearly, you do too. I wish you could help me remodel. I am so impressed.

LISA EMRICH said...

Pretty colors. Sometimes it is quite rewarding to do the things we can do if even with greater effort and time.

I look at the walls in my living room and enjoy the color so much. But then I look at the molding I nailed onto the ceiling and see all those little nailheads I had planned to punch deeper, putty and paint over. That project was put on hold over two years ago. Oh well.

Now just as many of those ahead of me have said - REST!!

atlantis said...

Hey lady , long time no talk,
i just had a crash course of your latest adventures and boy , you've been through hell and back !!!
Glad you're somehow better and i am back also , let's see what mess we get ourselves into now ...LOL
Adina

Miss Chris said...

I'm impressed Miss "Do it yourself-er" !

natalief said...

Thank you so much for writing this. I needed to read it.

I have always been absorbed by regrets and losses (abilities and people). I need to learn to think this way. That I have not lost the ability to do X or Y, rather that I once had the luck/fortune to be able to do it - that I have experienced it and/or been good at it.

Thank you.
*hugs*

natalief said...

Manual trackback:
http://natalief.livejournal.com/994060.html