Coming Up For Air...

Well, after that previously depressing post, I thought I should quickly and briefly update all y'all several hours later to say, "I ain't dead yet!" Actually, as the day has worn on (and I DO mean WORN), I have felt somewhat improved from my early morning I-think-I'll-throw-up-or-die experience...the Zofran has kept all vomiting at bay and the combo of Baclofen and Klonopin even knocked me out for a few hours of napping during the afternoon...woohoo!

I DID spend most of the entire day lying about and RESTING, which has probably done my body more good than fancy schmancy pills or the green tea I've been sucking down. I had a somewhat peculiar conversation moment with a friend during the afternoon that left me feeling...I don't know..."odd" I guess. The conversation was about my particular *brand* of MS. I was told rather innocently, "I've known a few people with MS before and you have the worst symptoms I've ever heard of". I wasn't sure if I should feel angry, honored, or guilty! Jury is still out on this one...

It IS funny to me though, how we with MS get lumped into categories of symptoms...even sometimes by those of us ALSO diagnosed with MS. What I know to be true for me is, I only know MY MS, not yours. We may have some similarities and most likely many differences...but your experience is yours and mine is mine and I can only speak from my experience. And likewise to that of a seemingly "healthy and normal" person!

It does bother me a great deal at times, however, feeling like I have to "justify" my symptoms or experience to the "normal" people of the world (and, sometimes on rare occasions, to the MS-self righteous). Sometimes I feel a need to carry around my portfolio of MRI's and point out the large lesion in my cervical spine and the multi-lesions in my brain while diagramming how the central nervous system works (or doesn't with MS)...or perhaps overlaying one of my first MRI's to more recent ones and play a little game called, "counting the aggressive lesion formations since day one diagnosis". LOL

But then I reign myself in and accept the fact "most" people are simply speaking to me from their own sense of helplessness or fear about my condition...God knows I speak from this place all the time! And I try to think how might I be feeling if I were wearing their shoes? If I were the one watching my friend decline in health at what is seemingly an aggressive and rapid pace? When I can put myself there, I quickly lose any anger or guilt and I feel only compassion...for the "normal" person and for myself. We ARE just all trying to get by...

So, off to bed I go...I'm hoping the sleep fairies will touch my forehead and bring me pleasant dreams...and I will awaken in the morning feeling refreshed and revitalized. There's always tomorrow...

Discouraged...

Feeling overwhelmingly like hammered "chit" today and called off for work in yet another desperate attempt to get my system rebalanced...most discouraging. Awoke after only 3 hours sleep, sweating profusely, having sharp pains in my chest, watery eyes (realized later I had been crying in my sleep most likely from the pain in my chest), nausea, extreme weakness, muscle spasms in my lower back, AND, initially panicked I was having a heart attack. But, being the "good" health care professional I am, I quickly assessed the medical condition raging before my eyes, noted my pulse, pain, and symptoms more closely (had incredible heartburn raging in my gut, most likely Prednisone-induced), and promptly dragged myself into a tepid bath to get my body temperature decreased...this seemed to help considerably. The chest pain was/is not typical cardiac in nature, so I've ruled out heart attack...it's just...*effing* MS. Decided to take medical matters into my own hands (since Dr. SWWNBN is still out of the country) and popped some major tranq's, Baclofen, and a Zofran for the nausea...yes, I DO practice medicine without a license! Fell back to sleep for another 2 hours and now trying to mentally meditate myself into a state of neurological quiet.

On another note...you may see I've added a Google Talk box at the bottom left-hand side of the info vertical info bar...you may see a few of you have been placed in the contact area. You should have received an "invite" to Google Talk from me and if you are interested in having this feature available to chat with one another, just sign up. If not, tell me to *eff* off and I'll remove your name(s)...just experimenting with a way of possibly connecting people other than in the comments section of CHEESE. Let me know if this works or not...

Off to lie down again...I have dropsy...

Tired...

Made it back to work...that's about all I can say. I am dead tired/exhausted/worn out/over the edge. Must try to get some sleep and repair my fragile myelin for another 9 1/2 hour day on Sunday. My body feels like one rather large vibrator...from the top of the left side of my neck down into my left foot.

If I'm still breathing in the morning, I 'll try to think of something mildly humorous to write...and, if I'm NOT still breathing in the morning, well...I guess I won't have anything at ALL funny to say! LOL

I Know What Your Parents Were Doing In February!...

Steroid insomnia has caused me to be stirring around the hut quite earlier this Saturday morning before I "re-pair" myself to head into work...so I thought I'd get a few things crossed off my list of "To Do's", which has included addressing and mailing several October birthday cards to friends and coworkers. I was rather shocked when I looked in my calendar and noted the inordinate number of people I know who were born in October! My, my , but YOUR parents sure were busy in the chill of February. LOL

I don't know if I am just excessively attracted to October babies or why so many have migrated into my life over the years...there's my bestest friend in North Dakota, who's 9 year old ALSO has a fall B-DAY (actually born on Hallows!), 4 coworkers, let's not forget BUBBIE, 2 extended family members, and 3 other dear friends. I'm rather shocked I even KNOW that many people and would WANT to send cards to them...

And, just as oddly as my pea-brain functions, I began to wonder if there is any correlation between birth month and Multiple Sclerosis (this IS an MS blog, after all...deal with it!). Apparently several scientists have ALSO wondered about this, too. A somewhat recent study published in 2005 in the BMJ looked at approximately 18,000 Canadians and 11,500 Brits to determine if there was any link between MS and birth month...go here for the abstract if you're interested in scientific reading.

Essentially, this study concluded there were fewer peeps born with MS in November and slightly higher poor suckers born with the disease in May (so what about those of us born in July?!? Just really, really unlucky Leo's I guess...LOL)

Another interesting site that discusses birth month and MS as well as a few other diseases is intraspec.ca . These folks seem to think March through May are great months to be born with a higher risk of developing MS (do you suppose this is why the National MS Society holds it's annual Gimpathon/MS Awareness week in March? No, I don't think they had that much foresight either...LOL).

And still, MS NEWS has done an informal poll among its readers, which has found LITTLE significant correlation between birth month and MS...you, too, can participate in this poll if you'd like...so far, about 650 MSers have.

And now, I'm off to begin the painstaking preparations of hygiene and mental push ups necessary to go back to work...I've been off for almost two weeks of work and really not much improved relapse-wise. This should prove to be an "interesting" day, to say the least! Let's hope the cat can successfully adjust to not having her human cushion lying about...LOL...

Another Day At The Ranch...

Not much news to impart on the home front...been reading this book:I became interested in the read after a dinner conversation with a local poet (Saint EB's friend...I HAVE no literary friends and probably no LITERATE ones either. LOL) who saw the movie as well. Dear Sean Penn has taken the book and put it to the big screen...I'm almost finished reading it as it is quite short and not sure what conclusions I will draw in the end. If you haven't heard of the book or the movie, in a "nutshell", it is about a 23 year old guy who goes off to the Alaskan bush in search of something and dies...don't want to ruin it for you if you choose to pick it up or see the movie, so I'll leave it at that.

In other news, I finally received the "call" today from the University Rehabilitation Department to schedule my work assessment...only took them about two weeks to git round to it. LOL But, they ARE the University of Washington (who's unspoken motto is, "We're the U...go *eff* yourself!"), so I half as much suspected it would take mounds of paperwork and bureaucracy to even make an appointment. Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named made the decision to send me "out" for this appointment because...well...they're the U and they've got all the fun bells and whistles compliments of the tax payer dollar! They are the largest rehabilitation program in the four state region...nothin' but the best when it comes to MY continued employment. LOL

I am hoping to gain some perspective on just WHAT I need to continue to work at my job, i.e., accommodations...that nasty word. They will assess exactly what it is I do physically and mentally in my work and figure out (hopefully!) what might assist me to do my job more productively. Sheer gut and brute force in applying myself at work these past few months has left me exhausted and frustrated, so I finally relinquished control of my reigns and asked Dr. SWWNBN for assistance...and she has called upon the "U". Because my work is rather unique (in the sense it is a combination of both physical AND mental stamina/stress), my hours complicated, and involves sometimes REAMS of paperwork and computer work, it may be difficult to convey to the Rehab Specialist just what a day in the *mine* entails...but I'll give it a shot.

And, still in other news, I AM heading back into the above job tomorrow...not entirely confident this is a "good" thing, but painfully necessary...my mortgage depends upon it! LOL I remain on the Prednisone taper (at 40mg daily now) and continue to have pretty much the same symptoms that returned on Monday post 5 day IV Solumedrol with hardly measurable relief. My left leg continues to feel (funny to use the word "feel" when describing neurological symptoms of numbness!) quite heavy, awkward, painful in the calf, and requiring me to pretty much keep it in constant motion to avoid the sensation of needing to SCREAM if I don't! After emails to and fro to PRAGUE (where Dr. SWWNBN is attending a European conference), it has been decided I should stop the Mirapex (for the Restless Leg Syndrome/RLS) and try Requip again...I'm not keen on the Requip because it leaves me feeling rather spacey. Add this on top of the near out-of-body experience the steroids give me and...well...it's not good. My left shoulder also continues to vibrate/buzz in the most annoying of ways. And, today...get this...I started having what appear to be muscle spasms/Charlie Horse sensations in my left pinkie finger!!! The same one I broke over a month ago...go figure. Darnedest thing to be holding my book and suddenly my finger just flips out...it would otherwise be fascinating any other day. LOL

So that's where things stand at the BRAINCHEESE HUT...I'm bored out of my ever-loving-friggin-mind, yet agitated from steroids AND hating Multiple Sclerosis with passion! I will force myself into work tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday...then, I'll be off on Tuesday for my 4th dose of Novantrone and remain off work on furlough for a week. Oddly, I welcome the blue poison dye this time around...I'm really hoping it may affect this lingering relapse over the course of time and get me back in my usual saddle, riding the electric "bull"...LOL I'd certainly much rather be in a saddle ON the bull than standing or laying in its excrement!...

Yep, I'm A Fall...AND A Lily?!?...

Bored and can't sleep, so taking wacky online tests and learning a "lot" about myself...LOL

So, what season are YOU?

You Belong in Fall

Intelligent, introspective, and quite expressive at times... You appreciate the changes in color, climate, and mood that fall brings Whether you're carving wacky pumpkins or taking long drives, autumn is a favorite time of year for you

What Season Are You?

And of course, pick your petal too!

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

Once Upon A Time, I Used To Look Good Naked!...

I just ran across some old photos of "moi" while sorting through some accumulated CRAP in my office...some REALLY old photos! So old, one might even consider them "antique". LOL

There are a few from when I was just a mere babe (one, where I am chewing on an Elmer's Glue bottle...where WERE my parents?!?), a couple from grade school and high school years, and one from my crazy college days (daze). I don't remember most of these times, except the more recent ones...I "appear" in the pictures to be a well-adjusted child. LOL

What I DO recall is a time BEFORE MS...a time BEFORE job careers, a time BEFORE the allure of achieving financial stability, a time BEFORE I just accepted the world at face value, a time BEFORE I had the wisdom to know when to keep my mouth shut, a time BEFORE thinking outside of the norm was considered socially unacceptable.

I rather miss those wild times of unbridled spirit...I kind of miss being small enough to lie naked on my mother's countertop, too...and not CARE that I was butt-up to the wind!...LOL...

An Essay On "Perspective"...

I've received many kind emails today wishing me "health", "recovery", "support", and down right lay-in-the-gutter commissery (which is ALWAYS welcome...LOL), as well as various comments posted of well-wishes. I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to do so...to connect...and just "be" in my moment with me. It has been another somewhat difficult day of recovery (I am hesitant to even label "it" that at this juncture) and the distractions of reading and answering emails has done me a world of good.

I've had a theme rolling around in my steroidal dust bowl brain today regarding "perspective"...one of you even used this word in comment here today on CHEESE. Unfortunately, piecing together the MEANING of this theme has been pretty hard, given the fact I have the attention span of a two year old snorting sugar! I've been recalling old proverbs and parables all day today in various degrees of introspection...you know the one's..."the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence (although, you STILL have to mow the lawn there, too...LOL), "the most beautiful flowers grow from dung", the story about the man who's cow died, which led him to a richer place, and of course, "is the glass half empty or half full?"

One of my favorite all time quotes about the "glass" notion was said by an unknown and it goes like this: "Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?" LOL Just another perspective on this age-old question, but worthy of mention. It's rather "freeing" really...to change the perspective of the question out of the realm of the common notion...to view something from another angle, another thought process, and perhaps a completely new way of thinking.

Today, I've been thinking about my "perspective" regarding my Multiple Sclerosis and my life...the two really being one and the same, yet divided in many ways. I have tried to move my thinking from the "half full/half empty" approach into the realm of just a glass of water...nothing more, nothing less. I have been trying to move my fears into a way of thinking that feel less tangible and more a self-creation of my mind (which really IS what fear is all about...the mind's notion of perceived pain). I have been trying to analyze the lint in my belly button (without the distraction of a chicken running by!...LOL) and get myself to a place of thinking and being that offers me more comfort than I am feeling right now. I've been trying to just "be in the moment" without worry.

At some point in my day, after hours of contemplation, I raised my eyes to look at that mystical glass of water half full and half empty...my brain was suffering from severe mental taxing overload, I felt tired, exhausted, worn down, and tearful.

And then it happened...I got the giggles. I began to roar out loud at the outlandish thought/impulse that nearly gave me convulsions of delight! I picked up my cosmic half full/half empty glass of water and...I DRANK IT!

You see, I am surviving right now...I AM in the moment because I have no where else to be. MY MS is at my door and there's no denying its visitation rights. This IS my life right now, neither rosy nor dead. It is simply yet another stop along the way in my journey and I have been walking this road long and far. It is TIME to pause and rest...and drink a glass of water. LOL

Sometimes the answers to my questions are so painfully obvious, I cannot see them and I spend countless hours CREATING a problem to SOLVE a problem. I don't CARE if the glass is half empty or half full at the moment...I am THIRSTY for the glass's content and it has been right in front of me all along...and it is enough either way...

Carpe Diem...

"Seize The Day"--I wish...unfortunately, the only thing I feel "seizing" in my day right now is my left leg. That, and my BRAIN giving a good seizing about.

For some odd reason (and maybe not so odd, given the fact I am steroids!), a few stanza's of a poem have been running through my head today..."Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; Enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; Make the most of what you have. It is later than you think." I think it was Horace who wrote those lines, but I don't actually recall.

One would think with such a positive poem echoing through the bowels of my brain, I might find myself in a better mood. "ONE" might think...but "ONE" would be wrong, wouldn't they? LOL

Oddly, it is the LAST line, "it is later than you think", that seems to be stirring up a thunderstorm of hidden emotion today. My restlessness and anxiety are not being quelled well in the moment with mere Klonopin throwing distant darts at the Prednisone gods...and my mind and emotions are taking a bit of a toll. It's pretty hard for me to focus long enough to complete a sentence, but I will try to explain from my steroidal craze WHAT that line is saying to me. And, FORTUNATELY, once I am off the Prednisone, I am certain I will look back at this post and wonder just what in the "HAY-EL" I was talking about. LOL

Simply put...I'm in a funk...AGAIN. I can point many a gnarly finger at various culprits, but the fact remains I'm just "funky" right now (hope I can borrow that word from you, Funky Mango!). I am on day 3 of the dreaded Prednisone taper...which is always a touchy time. As the force of the IV Solumedrol wears off and the oral steroids slide into place, I am often set up for a rebound of symptoms, which I hate.

I woke up (yes, as a matter of fact I DID sleep about 3 hours thanks to elephant tranquilizers!) this morning to what felt like a strange "hum" in my left shoulder...it really feels like I have some sort of electrical T.E.N.S. unit attached and a vibration is being sent deep into my muscle. Not necessarily horribly uncomfortable, but highly annoying. I tried to step out of bed, only to realize my left leg had quite possibly died in the night and chose to remain lifeless on my bed. It took me some considerable time to "FIND" my leg (y'all with MS know this process I'm sure...that cognitive reconnecting with the nerves?), only to discover it felt almost too heavy to navigate with...but, I eventually DID get 'er going and have been pretty much hobbling around on it most of the day. There's also a tight squeezing occurring in my calf, which is not new either...just back. Add on a level 4 on a hurricane 5 scale of emotional torrent/agitation inside my brain and body, and it appears I am now recreating "The Perfect Storm"...

So, the FUNK...and the "it is later than you think"...I am once again thrown into the fear and anticipation that THIS relapse may not recover. I know, I know...I go there EVERY TIME I have a relapse. LOL My recovery NEVER goes as smoothly or as quickly as I would hope or like it to and my mind eventually sets up a detailed map of catastrophic thinking. "It is later than you think" keeps reminding me of this...

I've been off work now for over a week...that's a long time in dog years! LOL And I have been forced to remain solitudely (made that word up!) at home to "recover". This latest *episode* really began in August and progressively has gotten worse, requiring THREE rounds of IV steroids just to maintain some semblance of functioning...and today...still today...I feel little to no relief and might even be inclined to report I feel WORSE. It is disheartening to say in the least that my sense of "recovery" feels so feeble.

I WANT to seize the day...I really do. I WANT my life back. I WANT to make the most of what I have, even if my purse of cosmic wealth feels somewhat empty right now. It's just really hard to pull one's self up with such weak arms...literally and figuratively. LOL

Guess I'll go wallow in my *funk* for a bit longer...given the effects of the steroids, I imagine that "chicken" will run by again shortly to distract me on to something else...LOL...

Looking For 100 MS Blogs...

Here they are...100 Blogs written about or by someone with Multiple Sclerosis:

Access Denied--Living With Multiple Sclerosis
Adriana's Home
A Short In The Cord
A Stellarlife
Behind Blue Eyes
Bifurcate In The Road
BlindBeard's Multiple Sclerosis Blog
Bugs, Bikes, & Brains
Brain Angles (artwork by a PM MSer)
BrainCheese
Brass & Ivory
Broken Clay
Bubbies Blog
Camille's MS Adventures
Can You Hear Me Now?
Caregiving: "Caregivingly Yours
Carole's MS Blog
Chain Reaction
Carnival Of MS Bloggers
Charlene Weston
Chemo Is Not A Pony
ChrisHadMS.com
Conquer Multiple Sclerosis - Reclaiming Your Life
Curiouser And Curiouser - Life With MS
Cyndee, Family, And Living With MS
Dan And Jennifer Digmann
Dancing With MS
Daneildoo
Darlene's Kickin' Kane Covers
Deborah Does Navel-Gazing
De-Clare-ation
Diary Of MS X
Disabled Not Dead
Doug's MS Journal
Down The MS Path
Electrical Disturbance
Erik's Multiple Sclerosis & Lyme Blog
Friday's Child
Funky Mango's Musings
Good, Bad, and MS--Bald Ben
Grace_2_Wheel: My Days With MS
Grand Moments
Halt, Stop, Forget, Relax
Hazel Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
Healthtalk With Trevis
Hey-Me-Too--A-Sista-Stroll-With-Multiple Sclerosis
I'm An MS Activist
In It For The Parking
It's Not All In My Head...It's In My Spinal Cord A Little Bit Too
Jenn's Journey With MS
Jen's MS Blog
Jo Franz
Judi B's Blog/The MS Recovery Diet
Just Above The Abyss
Know Multiple Sclerosis
Lazy Dog Public House
Learning To Live With MS
Libbi's MS Journey
Life In The Slow Lane
Life On Cripple Creek
Living And Coping With Multiple Sclerosis
Living Life As A Snowflake--
Living Life With Sarcasm, Kids, and MS
Living! With MS--Denver ReFashionista
Living-With-MS--BlindersOff
Living With MS--Lauren
Living With MS, Seeking A Cure
Living With Muttin/Jeff & Multiple Sclerosis
LJ Users With Multiple Sclerosis
Looking Forward With Multiple Sclerosis
Maggsbunny
Managing Multiple Sclerosis
Managing Multiple Sclerosis With Tai Chi: A Firsthand Account
Mandatory Rest Period
Mark And MS
Maybe I'm Just Lazy: One Woman's Journey Through Life And MS
Messy Stuff: A Life With MS And Other Ramblings
MSBPodcast
MS Caregivers
MS Dissonance
MS Maze - A Layperson's Guide Through The Maze That Is Multiple Sclerosis
MS.
MS My Way
MS Not Just A Diary
MS Strength
MS Support Network
Multiple Sclerosis Real Life Stories & Issues
Multiple Sclerosis--Tovaxin Phase llb Trial
Multiple Synchronicities & Sclerosis
My Autoimmune Life
My Complications
My Demyelination
My Journey - Living Well With MS
My Journey With Multiple Sclerosis - Kelley
My Journey With MS by Some Nameless Chick
My Journey With MS--Kimberly
My Life And Dealing With MS
My MS Experience
My Story Of Life With Lyme And MS
My MS Journal
Navigating The Journey Of MS
New On Tysabri
No Empire No More
No Time For MS
Object Of My Injection
One Crazy Chick
OUCH!
OzMS - Multiple Sclerosis Bloggers
Pedestrian Crossing
Penelope Smith Living With MS
Perspective Is Everything
Philip's Disabled Help Blog (non-MS, but well worth the read)
Planning The Unpredictable--Living With Multiple Sclerosis
Post Cards Of My Life
Reality Check
Room With A View
Run To LIve: A "normal" Life With Multiple Sclerosis
Say It Isn't So
Shoester
Silverlining
Splodge On The Blogscape
Stu's Views And MS Related News
Sunshine and Moonlight
Surviving Multiple Sclerosis In Alaska
Tainted Kernel
Taking Control Of Multiple Sclerosis
The Barber Three
The BS of My MS
The Gimp Chronicles: Shade-Stealing Crips
The Great NetXperiment!
The MonSter Ate My Branes!
The Lemon-Aid Stand
The Life And Times Of Sancho Knotwise
The Multiple Sclerosis Companion
The Nervus Rex
The Perseverant Pincushion
The Zen Pretzel Trick
TippyTopple
Travels With Lucy
Troy's Multiple Sclerosis Experience
Trying To Imagine Bliss
Vern's MS Fight
Vicki's Blog
Victoria Plum--Technician!
White Lightening Axiom: Redux
Word Salads, The Demyelination Of Me
WTF-
YodaMamma MS & More

Life In The Fast Lane...

Had my last dose of 5 IV Solumedrol's on Saturday at 2:00PM...my tank is gased up and I am revving wildly down the lane! The effects of steroids are taking their toll on me...

Oddly, I awoke on Friday feeling about the worst I had felt in the past month...my RLS (restless leg syndrome) had kicked up to an all-time new notch with a deep calf pain in my left leg...I also had a worsening return of the vibrating shoulder syndrome as well as severe agitation WITH fatigue. I was beginning to think something was going horribly wrong. So I began emailing Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named for consult, only to discover she has ONCE AGAIN left town for ten days! (Why, God, why does she do this to me when I'm in the throws of relapses? I swear it's a conspiracy.)

But, she has promptly emailed me back from her SIXTH MARATHON race in Chicago this weekend (if I only had HER energy at her age!) and we have settled on maximizing the dose of my latest addition, Mirapex, for the RLS. What is also important to note here (and maybe just a tad bit TMI), I ALSO started a menstrual period yesterday! WOOT?!?! Haven't had one of those since April when Novantrone threw me into premature menopause (a common side effect of the chemo)! So, I imagine the shifting "hairmones" have also been playing a significant role in my recovery or lack there of.

Anyway, Saturday turned out to be a bit better symptom-wise as I am adjusting to the PMS/MS syndrome again...but...I still feel like *effing* crap unfortunately. My grandiose plan to return to work tomorrow was discussed and taken off the table as my cognitive functioning is nil with this severe agitation going on...not to mention, I am STILL having gait difficulties due to the leg issues.

And that, my friends, is the MS report for today. Discouraging on my end of things right now. I have started a new book (when I can sit and concentrate on reading for 15 minutes at a time) called, "Into The Wild"...it's a very short read for my extremely short attention span! I also managed to get my symptoms journal and MedicAlert Key updated today and begin soaking some beans to make my world famous Ham & Bean Soup tomorrow...chopping up little vegetables seems to be something productive and easy for me to focus on right now, so I thought, "Why not cook something?"

I wish I had something more exciting or at the very least interesting to report, but I don't. I'm basically just trying to hold my own right now and not become too discouraged with my slow recovery from this relapse...and...it AIN'T easy! LOL I start the Prednisone taper tomorrow, so I'm hoping for an improvement in my cognitive functioning, but I'm also not holding my breath.

In the meantime, I suggest you peruse some of the great MS Blog reads listed on my left side bar over there...there ARE some folks out there with things far more interesting to say than I right now!...

It Takes A Village...

All that typing yesterday of "7 Random Things About Me" has caused me to take a short trip down memory lane today...back to the tiny village I grew up in Nebraska. I recently stumbled across a website where a couple of "interesting" artists have moved from Las Vegas to my old home village and bought the High School/Grade School I attended for 12 years...and...they are LIVING in it!

My home village had a population of around 420 people when I was growing up...everyone knew everybody and practically everyone was related to someone somehow. The town my grandma lived in 7 miles away had a population of 80! And in that village, I really WAS related to almost 60% of the people living there. LOL Talk about "inbreeding"...

Growing up in a rural Nebraska village was not an easy life...particularly for someone like me who longed to LEAVE that life and explore the world. As I said, I attended 12 years of schooling in the same buildings with a senior graduating class of 17 students. Saying I was the valedictorian really doesn't hold much weight in a class size this small, but...I was.

I think the things I miss the most about my village are the open spaces...the farm lands...the seasons...the camaraderie of being soooo small, you had to get along with and participate in everything. I miss the fall air and the football/volleyball games...the Halloween pranks that, in this day and age, we would have been arrested for "terrorism". LOL

As you can tell by the current day photos posted here, little remains of my farming village...now only somewhere around 200 people live in the village and it grows smaller and smaller each year as corporate farming takes over the land for profits. But it IS still there...somewhere on the plains of Nebraska...reminding me of a simpler time without MS or the things that occupy my mind these days.

(I painted this fading mural in 1976 with the help of my mother and sister...it was for the bicentennial!)

Screw Washing The Sheets!...

DAYUM IT!! The sheets will just have to wait...and you can ALL blame my friend, Steve, over at Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu - Steve's BJJ blog for this! Bastid...he has grappled me in a no-gi omoplata (I frankly have NO idea what that means and just made it up!) death grip, meme entitled, "7 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME". I plugged my ears and did the "la la la la la" song...but seeing as how I am a completely unfocused dust particle wildly flying on the steroidal winds, I felt compelled to respond.

Here...fascinating crap below...all about me...thank HIM!

1. I have a serious phobia of snakes. I once fell in a boarded up well in a pasture in the night while out with my family frog hunting on a pond...yes, we DID do such things on the farm! Caught frogs by flashlight to enter into the village "Frog Jumping Contest" each year for the Harvest Festival. LOL Anywhozit...we were walking in an unfamiliar pasture that just happened to have an old well that just happened to have rotted boards covering the opening that just fortunately DID have a boarded cap about 8 feet down into the well. My cousin slipped on it first (without the benefit of a flashlight) and I fell through it right behind him. In the damp, dark hole 8 feet below the surface of the earth, I sat with snakes and bugs crawling all over me while my family made a human chain to hoist me out! The thought STILL repulses me to this day!

2. I once slept with an old man for money. Yep, it's true. When I was in high school, the village banker became blind and deaf from old age and his daughter hired round the clock care givers to stay with him. I had the Sunday evening shift, going to his house around 5:00PM, fixing his supper...the SAME meal every Sunday, consisting of toast, peaches, eggs, bacon, juice and coffee...then reading the paper loudly to him via what little hearing he had in his left ear with my lips practically pressed to his skull, getting him ready for bed, then putting him to bed...while I slept with one fish eye open for the nearly-every-night-occasion he would randomly get out of bed, stumble to find the bathroom, usually a bit "late" to the toilet, and I would clean him up and the floor. So, I really DIDN'T sleep that much with him in all actuality. But this does appear to be my intro into the world of nursing and emptying bed pans! LOL

3. Bodily secretions fascinate me. Really most ANYTHING about the human body and condition gain my attention. Blood, snot, poo, sweat, etc. I find the human body to be one of THE most remarkable warehouses and filters of the world...so much can be told by what "we" put out in our systems. This, too, also is a bi product of having slept with the old man and cleaning up his waste materials...see #2! LMAO

4. I am an angel of death. Or at least that's what some of my kind friends reference me as! For whatever cosmic reason, I am typically someone who will stumble across the most unlikely of circumstances where someone is either dying or has just died in my presence (look out peeps...you could be next!). I have "transitioned" family members, friends, strangers, murder victims, etc. to the "great beyond"...more people than I can actually list frankly. I DO stop for any unattended motor vehicle accident (as this is the law of my profession also) and have had the unfortunate (or fortunate? When one accepts their lot in life as the "angel of death", this is to be expected, no?!?) encounters of being a first responder to the dead, the dying, the decapitated. I just accept it.

5. I have dreams about Bill Clinton. Recurring dreams even! Never involving cigars or semen stained dresses, however. He is usually consulting me on matters of the world and/or we are walking through woods discussing various ideas of politics and nature. I never knew Bill Clinton had such deep thoughts until I began dreaming about him shortly after he was elected President!

6. I have an obsessive love with power tools. And I own and CAN operate most of them! My father was an interior/exterior painter who taught me the fine notion in life of, "If someone ELSE can learn to do this, YOU certainly can." And, over the years, I have become a self-taught handy gal of sorts, doing remodels on homes I have lived in and "fixers" of friends homes. I especially enjoy working with wood...I love the feel and smell of a fine pine and have gotten some unusual stares from Home Depot workers as they watch me "fondling" fine grains! I DO NOT, however, enjoy plumbing work...which seems a bit odd given my love of bodily secretions. LOL

7. I have a fascination with the occult and have studied more religions than GOD. All without EVER obtaining a degree in theology! Mostly, I am fascinated by the human condition and the belief systems that make up what we call society. I consider myself a "behavioral existentialist"...which translated means, "all behavior has meaning and sometimes shit happens!" It tends to cover most all bases for me. LOL I believe in BELIEF and the power our mind holds upon us. I believe all things are a creation of our minds...the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I believe in the chaos theory, synchronicity action, and the "one mind/one eye" of the universe. Chances are, if I've thought of it, someone ELSE has, too. This certainly takes away from my ego's need to be unique...

There...again, THANK STEVE for this...LOL Oh, and just so you lurkers who also blog get a piece of this action (because what goes around comes around), I am tagging BUBBIE , SHERRY , and SARA in the UK . Not because I hate you, mind you...oh, contrare...my love for you flows like a deep river. Which, given my steroidal craze right now, could consume and drown you!...LOL

Steroid Dust Storm 2007...

I wish I could report SOMETHING productive or, at the very least, fascinating here on CHEESE today...but, if a picture is worth a 1,000 words, THIS one says it all:

Yep, it's a Steroid Dust Storm raging its way through my brain right now!

The worst thing about being on roids for me is, I have all of this "busy" energy, both mental AND physical, and NO FRIGGIN' ability to focus my new-found life force into ANYTHING remotely productive! Ideas fly by at warp speed...GOOD ones, too (or at least in my manic mind it "sounds" like a good idea to climb up on the roof and clean out the gutters in the wind and rain?!?)...and like the steel ball in a pinball machine, I bounce from bumper to bumper on these thoughts without any magnet to make them stick to me! Consequently, even the most BASIC of ideas/thoughts/deeds that NEED to be done (like bathing, for instance) just fly by without sticking to the little cognitive receptors in my brain and sending me signals to place one foot in front of the other and "DO".

I am also tipping the grain elevator scale right now (sorry, grew up on a farm and once had a cousin who weighed over 500 pounds and the only place that had a scale serious enough to weigh him WAS the grain elevator! I REALLY don't weigh THAT much, but thought you could benefit from the visual. LMAO) with my recent steroid 9 gi-normous pound weight gain...somehow in my brain dust storm, I am STILL managing to find food and shove it in my face...also at warp speed!

I HAVE made an executive decision that, just as soon as I post this, I WILL go in and strip the sheets off my bed to wash them...since I'm spending so little time IN them right now with steroid insomnia! (Gawd, I really hope I can remember to do this when I get up...)

So, what's happening in YOUR worlds today? I really DO appreciate all the comments and emails all y'all have been sending to occupy my ADHD time...I can only live vicariously through YOUR lives at the moment! And at least YOU have something interesting to say!

Now...what was it I just said I planned to do? Oh yeah...go strip the sheets off my bed! WAIT!!!!! LOOK!!!! There's a chicken...

**running wildly after the chicken now**...

Yes, I WILL Have Dessert...One Of Each...

Steroids...gotta love 'em. IF you begin them as a size 2 and look like Twiggy! LOL Unfortunately for ME, I have not been a size 2 since around AGE 2, and the steroid eating frenzy certainly does not enhance my already feeble attempts to look only obese (versus morbidly obese) when dressed in all black!

I've been eating pretty much nonstop for over 2 weeks...having just had a round of 3 IV Solu's and a Prednisone taper now followed by an ongoing 5 IV Solumedrol trip, I've got more ROIDS floating around in my system than Barry Bonds ever dreamed of having! (Yes, different KIND of steroids, peeps.)

Besides the ravenous appetite, the roids are really hitting my sleep hard...or lack there of. My usual medication cocktails, AKA, elephant tranquilizers, seem to only be blowing dust around my brain versus fairy sparkles of sleep...and leaving this dust caking in my eyes. I look to have either been on one hella bender of drugs or alcohol or having just walked out of a severe sand storm! LOL

The "good" news (if one can optimistically see the silver cloud lining through the storm) is, I AM having less agitation in my leg...which has shifted to a worsening weakness and some gait difficulties. Weakness I can deal with, but that pain and agitation HAD to go...I was beginning to sway, bounce, and pace in public in the most alarming of parkinsonian ways...just not pretty. And the vibrating sensation in my left shoulder DOES also seem a bit better as does the pain down my arm. Not sure if this is a direct result of the Soly IV's or the addition of the Mirapex Dr. SWWNBN prescribed in my monumental office visit this week. My left-sided facial numbness is now just a slight occurence, leaving me once again with my signature smirk, also possibly a direct result of the Soly. I don't think it really MATTERS which cause is the culprit...I just want it ALL GONE. LOL

I have been staying off work AGAIN and home bored out of my mind...mainly, because my concentration level is that of a severely ADHD chicken! I just KNOW I've been doing "something" to pass my time at home, but really have nothing to show for it nor can I recall what "it" is! I have made a promise to do a bit of Numerology dabbling for BUBBIE in honor of her upcoming birthday this week (YES!!!! You've been outted, my friend!!!! Moohahaha)...that will require a bit of focus AND math...neither, of which, I seem to have any control over. LOL So, her "reading" could be verrrrrry interesting. I've got cobwebs hanging from my ceilings the size of large fishing nets, which need to be swept down and another accumulated pile of laundry to beat on the rocks in the river. There are certainly things I CAN do...if I can focus and remember to start them AND finish the tasks.

I am hoping the rest of you MS bloggers will post prolifically and profoundly (really doesn't even have to be profound, just entertaining will suffice!) to keep me occupied for the next 3 days...I NEED something to read and to do besides eating! How's that for a guilt trip on ya? LOL...

The Low Down & Dirty...

As life continues to happen around me whether I choose to participate or not, I have left several topics/post unanswered here on CHEESE of late...humble apologies are offered (again) and scheduled virtual public caning is to commence as soon as the webcam is installed (MDMHVONPA...Leave it! I know where your mind goes when left free reign!...LOL).

I very much appreciate all y'all who have taken YOUR time to leave comments here, IM me, or send personal emails and/or suggestions on various topics I have managed to pull from thin air (or graphically out of my arse!) to enlighten and entertain you. Having an extremely loosely associated mind is a wonderful tool to pull upon psychotic ramblings.

So...updates:

THE P.O.D. No UTI, she's just brilliant...or highly deviant, which I suspect is more likely the source of her urination in the tub drain that I observed last week. Consultation with various "catologists", psychics, and veterinarian personnel reveal a kitty with a feline personality disorder. She is currently attempting to steal my identity, have me offed, and assume my life...because she BELIEVES she is human. Frankly, I am starting to believe this notion myself! LOL And I, alas, am becoming more cat-like...choosing to lie around in the sun napping and shirking all responsibilities for hours at a time.

THE S.L.U.T: Didn't get "all aboard"...illness knocked and the SLUT passed me by. Oh, I WILL ride 'er...soon. And yes, she IS still acronym-ed as previously stated: South Lake Union Trolley!

GRACE & SNOW: Odd late night ramblings of which I have no deep explanation appear to have stirred many of you into a state of introspect. Ah...this is good, Little Grassha-paws! Now if I could only figure out what the hell I was talking about we'd ALL be on the same page! LOL

THE JOB: As is typical, I can disclose little, but feel a great deal. Scary times and trying times...changes, scrutiny, challenges, and defeats magnified by the shadow of MS. I AM still being paid, which is a good thing. I will know more after a private consultation with a Vocational Rehab Specialist at the University of Washington. But even THIS has been placed on hold as, per the words of Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named, "You are too sick to have that done right now. Let's hold off until you are more stable again." Not the most encouraging of words.

MY MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS: Simply put...still a bitch. I am in mid relapse and two weeks away from my fourth Novantrone dose. IV steroids commence again today for the next FIVE days, followed by the dreaded Prednisone taper. Discouraging, but not hopeless...curbing my obsessive worry-wart tendencies the best I can.

NARCOMS: Got the email from 'em...it's time to complete that fall survey! If you're a registered user, don't forget North American Research Committee on MS.

FALL: Definitely blowing into the Pacific Northwest...let the rains begin again until sometime in June 2008...when we can all dry out again for our 3 month summer reprieve. LOL

MY FELLOW BLOGGERS: (and no, there are no direct links under the blue names cuz I'm too lazy to link 'em!) Lot's of good stuff being written around the globe. MDMHVONPA continues to entertain with statements pertaining to "putting lipstick on a pig". MERELYME delights us with her explorations about life. BUBBIE feeds my soul with Salsa recipes made in the nude. SARA keeps me posted on the "haps" in the UK. ZEE would most likely appreciate continued shoulders re: men dilemma's...and maybe some bread-baking recipes! SHERRY reminds me the Internet is NOT necessarily "user friendly" to someone who is deaf...**slapping head with a stupid "doh" here for posting a video link without captions** STEVE continues to "grapple" with BJJ, while the other STEVE (One Life) grapples with MS. Joan is back to school...congrats! Pb continues to delight me with life stories from across the "big pond" (And BTW...I have a personal note to share with you from Dr. SWWNBN regarding your comment weeks ago suggesting she fry her own damn chicken! Oddly, she read this!) MISS CHRIS is doing battles with spiders, heat, skating rinks, and dust storms...and probably returning to practice of her Arabic as well. SUZY is back or at least posted a blog...finally. She's needing our support and well-wishes right now. FUNKY MANGO tells us every week ten new things I did NOT know before reading her posts...and a few things I have remained peacefully in the dark about as well! LOL SHARON appears to have recovered from her undiagnosed head pains and has returned to the blogging fold. HARKOO although not a blogger (yet), continues to offer me sideline support via wonderful emails and insights as well as who I believe may have the longest running time of reading CHEESE amongst the masses...yes, MS IS affecting her judgment! LOL PEEJ could use some "HOO YA" support during a difficult family illness time. And the REST OF Y'ALL...well, I'm just tiring myself and running out of oxygen to sustain life at my computer to reference more. Until next time...