Thursday, September 29, 2011

Commisery Loves Company...

Yeah, yeah...I've got nothing better to do while I sit around at home *recuperating*, so you get the second blog post in a year here.  It IS a better day today in the world of Cheese, I must say.  As the haze of narcotic-filled drama lifts from my junkie eyes, I am beginning to see a faint light at the end of this ordeal.  So don't anybody MOVE because I don't want a breeze to blow this candle out!!

I managed to slink in to see young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc yesterday and left with nothing more than when I went in...except a mother load of Oxycodone, that is!  WTF?!?  Most people who are TRYING to get doctors to prescribe narcotics can't...I tell them I don't WANT anymore painkillers, but a remedy instead, and I walk out with drugs that have a street value high enough to pay this month's mortgage.  I just don't get it...

OK, I suppose it was the tears.  I probably would have prescribed something too, to get me out the door quickly after I started bawling like a farm yard baby calf (insert sound effect here).  Strangely, I am learning the stoic approach to pain doesn't really lend any empathy, but sobbing like a two-year-old sure causes anxiety on the part of the professional!  I am considering sobbing hysterically on the phone next time I just need to make an appointment and see if I can get in sooner than a month from the time I call...hehe.

So, my appointment began by young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc sending in his kindly female Physician's Assistant to give me the once over and hear my tale of woes regarding my injury, pain, and recent ER visit.  She was very kind...she offered me the Oxy script immediately and I explained I already HAD narcotics at home (compliments of a neurologist who also likes to prescribe big drugs in hopes her patients will STFU, too) and I didn't want to continue taking them, but rather find a more permanent solution to the acute pain.  I also disclosed the high amount of NSAID (Ibuprofen) I had been taking just to get 2-3 hours of relief, but I was having to take it way beyond the recommended 24 hour dose.  She checked me over (physical exam), then said she would consult with young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc, and there would probably be some repeat x-rays in my future.

I didn't wait but a few minutes before young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc entered the room with his laptop computer and what appeared to be the skeletal version of my left shoulder plastered across the screen...the x-rays the ER took 2 days prior.  I must digress here and say I rather LIKE the x-ray version of my arm as it cuts off considerable fat and, other than a faint shadow around the humerus, I DO look svelte!  But anyway...

Young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc puts me through the same physical exam as his kindly Physician's Assistant did, then takes a stern look with me to inquire WHY I had been taking such high dose NSAID?  I explained again...adding that I didn't like the effects narcotics had on me as far as nausea, drowsiness, and feeling out of it.  He maintained his stern look (which is pretty funny if you think of a 15 year old boy trying to look *cross* with you!) and announced it was "far better to feel out of it than to be on dialysis because you've blown your kidney's out".

**My head snapped up with the "stern" look of a 47 year old beauch about to attack and eat her prey**

"Yes," I calmly said, albeit my lips were already quivering with a mix of anger and angst.  "I realize the dose I've been taking is far above the recommended dose.  But you see, I WENT TO THE ER and they offered me nothing, no advice, no words of encouragement, and no pain management...they just said to come see YOU.  All I got was this expensive sling", I said pointing to the $750 dollar contraption that cost $10.00 dollars to make.  I could tell we were NOT understanding each other at this juncture.

Young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc changed his pose with me and began showing me my x-rays on his high tech laptop...he pointed out what he thought were abnormalities (and never ONCE commented on my svelte skeletal structure...boo!) and told me he needed to see an MRI (MSer's...we KNOW the MRI routine).  He said he couldn't be certain, but was concerned I had a lesser density area of the head of my humerus bone and (again wasn't certain) that I may have a bone fragment "torn" away in the shoulder.  He continued talking while I stopped listening.

Seriously?!?  Bones do NOT tear.  WTF?!?  Somewhere in his talking he said the word "surgery" and I went on auto-pilot cruising at an altitude that lacked oxygen and was making me lightheaded.  Things blurred.  His medical assistant/handler came into the room to schedule my MRI and announced they only "do" MRI's Wednesday through Friday and there were no appointments this week, so "how does next Wednesday sound?"

**Commence bawling like a farm yard calf with full sound effect here**

Somehow I managed to choke out the words, "that does not work for me" and told the handler maybe I had misunderstood her?  Did she seriously intend to have me wait ANOTHER 7 days before obtaining the test that might possibly diagnose the acute pain??  I started to leave without scheduling...

PATHetic.  The handler then announced she had procured an appointment at a different location for the next day for my MRI...she said it as though she may have just discovered the Theory of Relativity or the appointment had just suddenly fallen out of the sky into her lap.  Surprise...

Somewhere in my PATHetic-ness, I DID inquire about the cortisone shot I had really come in for in the first place...the handler and the kindly Physician's Assistant stepped back ready to fend off a cobra strike.  The kindly Physician's Assistant explained (again...I guess I missed that part of young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc's speech due to my high altitude cruising earlier) they could not give me the shot today because not only would it interfere with the MRI results, it "could" do me more harm than good in the long run.

I left the office eventually in my expensive sling but at least with an appointment for the MRI in hand (my still good hand) and today had the MRI done.  I filled the mega-script narcotics and did try the crap yesterday, but again decided I would rather suffer pain than be unresponsive and still HAVE the pain.  And oddly, today is a much improved day...the pain has lessened significantly on it's own (no thanks to the Medical Establishment) and I can lift my arm about 6 full inches from my side and I'm tolerating some range of motion exercises better!  WOOHOO!!  That's a mighty improvement.

Who knows?  Given some time, I may be back to BEAUCH SLAPPING people again in no time...doubt anyone will want to prescribe me narcotics for THAT...

3 comments:

Roger M said...

Next time I go to Urgent Care, I will definitely try bawling like a calf. Thanks for the tip.

Webster said...

Well, put up another hash mark for the illustrious medical establishment. I'm glad that your pain has lessened on its own and that your ROM is improving. At least you have a stash of narcotics in your medicine cabinet ... just in case. (BTW, It makes me wonder how come my docs never prescribe narcotics for me.)

It's nice to read you again. I'm sorry I missed the opportunity to meet you last year with Lisa and Jen. Oh well.

kmilyun said...

Welcome back missed your humor!
The circles the health care system has its pathetic. I told my PCP that the vertigo she diagnosed was From running in circles trying to get an appointment.

Jan