Because I Just Need To Be Angry At Someone...

Dear Baby Doctor,

I've had some time to reflect upon my experience with you, and I've come to the following conclusion:

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.

Yes, I said it...IDIOT. I'd add *betch* to the descriptive prose, but that might distract from the true implication of the sentence...

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.

How dare you speak to me in a manner or tone of superiority when spewing your ill-conceived medical knowledge? Tell that to Gilda Radner or my dead grandmother, how you so casually stated my gastrointestinal problem could not possibly be related to "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts". I'm sure BOTH would betch-slap you from the grave if they could reach you, hearing you deliver absolute false information about signs and symptoms of the *Big O* (that's Ovarian Cancer, not Oprah). It is a well-known fact Ovarian cancer is considered THE silent cancer killer among women because it often presents with vague gastrointestinal symptoms...not unlike what I have been complaining about.

Now please, don't misinterpret me here: I am NOT saying I HAVE Ovarian Cancer...as a matter of fact, it is highly improbable I have anything MORE than "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts." But, to deliberately attempt to dispel my concerns with absolutely false information makes you...makes you...well...

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.

Hundreds of thousands of women each year develop ovarian cysts...of those hundreds of thousands, only a small percent are diagnosed with anything more remarkable than "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts." But, the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer are as follows, and I quote them directly from the Mayo Clinic Website...you know...that OTHER clinic in the United States renowned for it's excellence in health care? That clinic YOU aren't a part of?:

• 
  1. Abdominal pressure, fullness, swelling or bloating (check)
  2. Urinary urgency
  3. Pelvic discomfort or pain(check...well, actually abdominal and back pain)


• 
  Additional signs and symptoms that women with ovarian cancer may experience include:


• 
  A. Persistent indigestion, gas or nausea (major check)
  B. Unexplained changes in bowel habits, such as constipation (hello? DIARRHEA!)
  C. Changes in bladder habits, including a frequent need to urinate
  D. Loss of appetite or quickly feeling full (check)
  E. Increased abdominal girth or clothes fitting tighter around your waist (check...just thought it was fat)
  F. Pain during intercourse (dyspareunia)(hmmm...what's that again?)
  G. A persistent lack of energy (check duh)
  H. Low back pain (midback...whatever)
  I. Changes in menstruation (old age anyone?)

I dunno...it just seems like this information *should* have gotten to you at some point during your medical school years? I knew about it in 1986 when Grandma Goldie was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer BECAUSE of gastrointestinal symptoms...and I've been acutely aware of this information ever since. It's sort of like, when you lose a loved one to some kind of disease, their process WITH that disease kind of STICKS in your head, you know?? So, perhaps "poo-pooing" me with your blatant and false information wasn't your best card to play...I already HAVE experience with that particular disorder.

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.

Well sure...you can blame my anxiety about this issue on hypochondriasis...many women have already DIED because of doctors like you blaming their conditions on little more than "over-active" imaginations and anxiety, going untreated when treatment was critical. As a woman, I would have hoped YOU, in particular, might have developed some gene of compassion during your medical school years, which would assist you in your delivery of information...I don't ask that of the medical male species...they don't have ovaries.

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.

I have never in my life HEARD of being admitted to the "wrong hospital" when it comes to receiving QUALITY medical care...perhaps the wrong SERVICE within the hospital, but never the wrong STRUCTURE! What on Gawd's green earth would POSSESS you to say something so IDIOTIC?!? And I DO have a witness to this. Perhaps you were simply hoping telling me this information would cease my questioning of your medical judgment??? Well, it worked. It was at this juncture in our conversation I knew in my over-active mind and gut...

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.

You read my chart. You knew my background. Did you really feel it necessary to draw "stick ovaries" on a white board to make your point, given I went to nursing school perhaps before you were even born?!? I know my IQ wasn't mentioned in my chart, but I'm pretty sure my medical background/current job title was...YOUR nurses kept commenting to me how they "bet I saw interesting patients" in my line of work (to which I replied, "no more interesting than yours"...**silence fell**)...I didn't tell THEM I was a nurse by background OR that I worked in psychiatry. They bothered to READ my frickin' chart.

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.

You neither diagnosed me NOR treated me for my ailments in the 24 hours I graced your "wrong hospital", and you have the audacity to question WHY I would want to be discharged?!? I returned home in no better condition than when I was under your care...deciding to take my medical treatment into my OWN hands...hands far more knowledgeable and competent than your baby appendages. Your partner in crime HAD me scheduled for the abdominal ultrasound that YOU changed in the morning to a CT scan...you know? The test you later told me I couldn't get because I was ADMITTED TO THE WRONG HOSPITAL?!? The test you stood at the foot of my bed in the morning, saying "probably would be unremarkable, so we should just go ahead with a CT scan and get that over with if you want?" The test I cancelled based on your already preconceived notion there was nothing wrong with me other than *viral gastritis*??? Only to learn it was THAT test which would have provided the "better" information about my "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts"???? Now, I have to arrange a ride for my dizzy-a$$ed head to see my regular ARNP to GET the ultrasound that YOU couldn't provide...but urged me to URGENTLY follow up and complete. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???? Don't tell me my "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts" are nothing to be concerned about, YET I need to urgently follow up because you don't KNOW if they are really cysts! SHUT THE EFF UP if you have nothing constructive or useful to say to me.

Or, better yet...go home and get out that little, plastic play doctor's bag your mother purchased for you for Christmas last year and feed your candied M & M's to someone else while pretending to palpate their "alarmingly large, probable ovarian cysts"...play doctor elsewhere...where lives don't matter...like on your Barbie Dolls. Because:

YOU ARE A DANGEROUS IDIOT.

There. I feel better already...