I'm Old And I'm Tired...The Jury Has Delivered Their Verdict...

They just sat there staring at me...like a group of deer mesmerized by the high beam of a semi-truck about to plaster them all over the highway. I remember the excitement of being a new employee at my job. The anticipation of "making a difference"...the idea that I could change the world of mental illness one patient at a time.

Across the table from me, I peered over my glasses at 4 new, employees...all looking quite young in the blur of my vision without the aid of my bifocals. It was new employee orientation and I was droning on and on about something I'm sure really didn't matter in the big scheme of things...they needed to know where the bathrooms were and when the next scheduled break would occur...I was trying to keep them mildly interested and entertained about a topic so boring that even I considered just shutting my eyes and napping my way through the hour-long presentation. But instead, I rambled...trying to find something compelling to say about cell phones and pagers and legal packets and car keys and badges and...

And that's when it hit me...I've become old and tired. It's not the MS. Sure, there's fatigue with this disease, but that's not what is "wrong". I've become old and tired. I've lost my passion for living in the moment...the daring of the unknown. I've "settled" for security and predictability and routine and all the things we are taught to work TOWARD in this life...a trade off which leads to growing old and tired.

It's April Fool's Day and, for today's lesson with the eager, new employees, I'm considering not wearing any pants. That ought to grab their attention and decrease the learning curve...if I'm destined to grow old and tired ANYWAY, I'm considering doing it unemployed...and THIS, I WILL blame on MS as my defense!...once I figure out how to gnaw my way out of the straight jacket, that is.