Things That Chap My MS A$$:

1. Perfectly healthy-appearing people who shamelessly park in handicapped parking because they never turned in Grandpa's parking permit when he died in the early 80's.

Come on, folks! Grandpa probably DID need the parking pass because he was toting around an oxygen tank compliments of having to ride with YOU in your zippy sports car...your driving took his breath away. But if you are able to park your midlife crisis vehicle at the effing gym and JOG your way into the 24Hour Fitness Club, I imagine the extra exercise you'll accumulate WALKING from the lot across the street into your massage appointment will do you a world of good!

2. Doctors who prescribe medications without REALLY knowing what the medication might do to you.

It is my personal belief ALL physicians during their formative medical school years should have to SAMPLE each and every medication they might prescribe to their patients once they are cut loose with that dangerous prescription pad. I think until physicians can really EXPERIENCE the effects of the toxic chemicals they casually pass off to their patients, they really DON'T have a full appreciation for the wonders of medicine...THEIR medicine that we are told has MINIMAL side effects. I would guess if doctors were told to take, oh say, THORAZINE as an example, they'd definitely study up on what it could or couldn't do to their unsuspecting body. I don't ask my doctors to pop a dirty, unidentified pill in THEIR mouth that I've discovered on the examination floor, and I don't think they should ask ME to pop a dirty, unidentified pill in MY mouth that I find in a prescription bottle without being told it's positive and likely negative side effects.

3. People who DON'T have MS who tell me to "think positive thoughts".

Let me attach a 6 inch rubber band around YOUR waist while wearing one roller skate and one high heeled shoe on the other foot while poking a pin repeatedly in your right eye as I keep you up sleep-deprived for the rest of YOUR unknown existence...then we can talk about POSITIVE ATTITUDES and "thoughts". I imagine you'd HATE you, too, if someone uttered your stupid "positive thoughts" idea to you with the above conditions attached.

4. Zealous religious fanatics who tell me I need to PRAY harder and/or they will be "praying" for me also as a means of curing my MS.

OK...news flash. I think if God IS involved in my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, don't you think He/She already KNOWS I have MS? And if God could CURE my MS, what makes me such a bad person that He/She hasn't already CURED me in the first place?!? I personally don't believe "God" gave me MS...because, if He/She did, that's one MEAN Higher Power "som bitch". I just don't think "God" has such a cruel sense of humor.

5. People who feel a need to tell me about their friend's daughter's cousin's half-sister on their nephew's side of the family who has MS and did "this or that" to cure/fix/rid/assist them and you "wouldn't even know they have MS".

Yeah, thanks for the tip, idiots. You're right...I'm an uneducated imbecile who knows nothing ABOUT the disease because I've kept my head in the sand and chosen a neurologist from Timbuktu who never reads a medical journal. Oh, and by the way, "wouldn't even know they have MS" is why the friggin disease is called a HIDDEN DISORDER! If I hadn't told YOU I had the disease, you wouldn't even be having this conversation with me...it's not like I have a scarlet "MS" symbol tattooed upon my chest either. And if BEE STINGS were such a wonderful cure, I think I should have obtained full immunity to MS as a child, because I certainly had my fair share of bee/wasp/bug stings and bites running freely in the fields BEFORE I was diagnosed with the disease.

6. People who tell me I just need to "not get stressed out" about having MS because it worsens the disease.

OK, I'll give you a few points on this one. Current research DOES link stress increases to exacerbations...you are right. But don't you think if I COULD not get "stressed out" I would?!? I really don't have a death wish anymore than YOU do...unless by having this conversation you are hoping I might KILL YOU out of mere frustration from your ignorance as a means of controlling my stress, too. Hmmm...guess that would eliminate two birds with one stone, wouldn't it?!? Your "death wish" and my stress level...

7. Other MSers who insist that what has worked for THEM to deal effectively with THEIR version of the disease is the ONLY thing that will be successful for ME.

Last time I checked my birth certificate, I wasn't born with a twin, folks. So that means MY DNA is quite different from yours...not to mention my life experiences and probably my prior exposure to other diseases/bugs/germs/attitudes/people/toxins. Don't get me wrong here...I'm overjoyed with delight that YOU have found something that you believe has helped you stay strong and active and prolonging the disability of MS. But your "cure" isn't necessarily mine because MS affects us all very uniquely. So please save your strength when trying to hit me repeatedly over the head with self-proclaimed anecdotal information on what I should or shouldn't do to be just like you. And please don't threaten to stop being my "MS friend" or kick me out of the "MS Club" because I DON'T follow your advice and continue to make my OWN choices to try this or take that drug or pop this supplement or even DO NOTHING AT ALL. When we meet in the after life, you can feel free THEN to chastise me for not following your advice...we're probably BOTH going to make it to that destination around the same time anyway.