Does This Chair Make My A$$ Look Big?...

OK, that picture is not really one taken of MY ever-expanding back side, but it "could" be...if I continue on the road of inertia and increased calories! As I once told a good friend of mine (a few years after being diagnosed with MS and packing on the steroid pounds), "If I keep this up, you're going to insist I get a motorized wheel chair because I'll be too heavy to push around." She didn't blink nor did she provide me some limited self-esteem by DENYING my statement was true...sigh. Truth only hurts if...well...it's TRUE.

Sadly, after my road to wellness this past summer and being able to increase my exercise while cutting back on my intake (and actually LOSING 15 pounds), I was hit broad side (pun so very much intended) with a relapse that provided me 11 doses of Solumedrol followed by Prednisone 3 times in just over a month. Needless to say, what took me over 3 months to lose (and gain back in strength), was quickly replaced with 15 mysterious pounds recurring in places it hadn't come off of and a substantial decrease in my stamina and strength. Adding on top of that, the holiday season coupled with simply not FEELING well for several weeks, and I have become what feels like an inert bubble of flesh...and I'm not "happy" with this turn of events.

I suppose this is what spurred me onward Sunday to begin a water fast...not the New Year...a generalized discontent with my physical presentation, which I had been feeling for most of the month of December. And, since I am off work this week due to Novantrone last Friday (and already feeling nauseated!), I decided now was as good a time as any to try and disrupt the dysfunctional cycle I have been spiraling around for many weeks.

Food and the ritual of eating is a very insidious "habit" for me...one that I do not always make myself consciously aware of. I have found in the past that the most productive way for me to interrupt this habit is to literally CEASE eating...to become mindful again of the sensation of hunger...and to reset my body's demands. I have to assume a *spiritual* approach to my eating/hunger as a means of becoming aware of the behavior.

From Sunday evening until midnight last night (yes...New Year's Eve...sigh) I consumed only water...large quantities of H20. I allowed my stomach\intestines to rest and empty while attempting to experience the same effect with my mind. Believe me, this process never HAS been an easy one for me and those 24+ hours were no exception. It is much easier to distract myself with food...it somehow feels "safer" to eat. I expend a great deal of mental energy convincing my mind (and body) I am not deprived (depraved maybe, but certainly NOT deprived), that I am in fact "safe", and there is great wisdom to be found in a mind and body that is clear.

I consequently discovered a few new insights...some within myself and some without. One of the most disturbing insights I stumbled upon "without" was just how many FOOD COMMERCIALS are on TV in any given hour! My God...if we Americans are consuming the amount of food shown on television commercials, it is no wonder obesity is one of the leading causes and complications of death in this country. And even commercials that were about DRUGS (and believe me, there are almost as many pharmaceutical commercials on as there are food commercials...but that's an entirely DIFFERENT post) had food in them. Foods that were high in cholesterol, foods low in cholesterol, fast food commercials, grocery store products...the list was ginormous matching only the ginormous a$$e$ of many in America. And I, unfortunately, have fallen into that category.

I have set a goal (not a New Year's Resolution) to return to my summer plan of wellness...after all, it DID work for me. I felt better physically and felt better about myself. Weight is a secondary issue because, even if I weighed 90 pounds, if I didn't feel good physically and mentally about myself, the pounds (or lack of) would mean nothing.

So this is where I am heading into the New Year...to gain some strength back and to feel semi-normal again. I will always have Multiple Sclerosis, but there are many activities I CAN do that are not limited by my MS. And MS certainly does NOT force me to lift a fork full of fries to my mouth whenever I want to feel "full" or "fulfilled".

It's all just food for thought...argh argh...