My "Roots"...

I had the wonderful pleasure yesterday of a phone call from a colleague I haven't spoken to in years...we were both brand new graduate nurses back in the 80's, before the *reality* of nursing and medicine had a chance to color our world views (in a shade of fecal brown!). It was back in a time when we BOTH thought we could and did make a difference...a time when the art and practice of nursing surrounded the idea of "saving lives".

This month of July 2007, we will both have entertained 21 years in the nursing field. Of course, neither of us practices as a "real nurse" anymore...and by definition, a REAL nurse is someone who still works directly in the medical field! My friend is now in nursing administration and I am...well, I am working down an entirely different *dark road* of psychiatric nursing. I can't even really claim to be PRACTICING as a nurse anymore, although it is my nursing credentials and experience that keeps my job for me.

So, in honor of our 21 years (42 years collectively) of bed pan dumping, shot jabbing, puke cleaning, IV starting, blood spattering, and leather restraining nursing careers, I give you the following "nursing humor". I have taken liberty to *bold* my personal favorites. LOL Some of you may not get a few of the references here...and if you DO, I am very very worried about you if you are NOT a nurse!

• You Might Be A Nurse If:
  
  You believe the first thing a person does when they enter this world, and the last thing they do before they leave it, is take a really big crap.
  
  You know what a 3-H enema is...High, Hot and Hell of a lot.
  
  You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
  
  You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes.
  
  You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!
  
  You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The Ass) precautions!
  
  You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.
  
  Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help
  
  Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"
  
  Ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier
  
  You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
  
  You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or "genetically challenged."
  
  You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.
  
  Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
  
  You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.
  
  When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
  
  You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a coworker's sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.
  
  You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now you're going to feel a little stick."
  
  You've ever sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest.
  
  You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
  
  You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
  
  You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
  
  You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you're a nurse, you reply "Yes", and walk away.
  
  A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a catheter, but you get it on the first try.
  
  You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually.
  
  You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status
  
  You hate working the night of a full moon
  
  You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
  
  Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
  
  You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
  
  You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage
  
  You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick
  
  You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed
  
  You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group
  
  You believe the lab should have a 'dumb shit' profile on the lab requisition
  
  You have handled several 'lost condom' cases
  
  You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis
  
  You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably
  
  You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project
  
  You find humor in other people's stupidity
  
  You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm
  
  Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat
  
  You believe chocolate is a food group
  
  You believe a good tape job will fix anything