Brain Cheese

What Did You Do???

2011-10-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

That was the subject line of the email I received today from Dr. SWWNBN (you remember her, don't you?...the neurologist, Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named??) while I waited in young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc's waiting room to be seen this morning. Apparently Healthcare has entered the larger "social media" scene and they now have their own networking capabilities amongst themselves, much like Twitter (only it's called MyChart...how *original*.). My ER visit somehow triggered an external "twitter" to my neurologist who immediately "tweeted" me via email, like a squawking peacock (have you ever HEARD a peacock squawk?...if not, here you go) Nothing is apparently sacred or private anymore. It's not like I CARED if Dr. SWWNBN knew I was in the ER...I was more concerned there would be a notation in my chart of me telling the ER Physician's Assistant that I was "on the lam" with my neurologist!!! And yes, I DO say that to other healthcare providers...hehe.

But this brings me to another point about healthcare, MS, and other strange notions (just trying to bring the Multiple Sclerosis tie-in here since this IS an MS blog...still...I think). I have now very recently had 3 or 4 contacts with *other* healthcare providers who are new to me and, each time I've had to "disclose" the MS issue. I say *disclose* because lately, this feels like a big, dirty secret! For some reason, telling providers (who do not already know my history) that I have MS has become akin to disclosing I wear men's underwear, like to be spanked, or eat my boogers...none of which I DO by the way!!! Well, except for the spanking part, but I digress...LOL

One might think this feeling is the old "but you look so good" (so how could you have MS?) topic that is discussed in MS circles, but it isn't. I have no worries they won't BELIEVE I have the diagnosis (pull up an old MRI and it's pretty clear)...quite the opposite. It is when I tell them I am diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and they immediately inquire what Disease Modifying Drug I am taking that I cringe. The look on some of their faces is interesting if not down right dismissing!

I find myself quickly doing the verbal scramble to explain I already have been ON most every DMD out there (except Fingolimod I think?!?) and made an executive decision (much to the chagrin of the neurological world) to stop all treatment...that currently I am doing WELL without the DMD's and taking things one day at a time with improved diet, exercise, and the roulette wheel. They still look at me like I'm a liar...or worse...they look at me like, "well what are you doing HERE then if you don't tend to follow your healthcare provider's advice?!?" Maybe it's just my bizarre opinion, but I don't think doctors LIKE being told "no". :-) And they REALLY don't like being told something besides drugs or what they were taught in medical school works...for me...right now.

I suppose really my recent (and old) healthcare providers share the same sentiment as I do...just not the same opinion. They firmly believe in THEIR medicine/treatment and I stubbornly believe in MINE. Two peas in a pod I guess...of like minds at opposite ends of the spectrum.

I DO try to qualify my position with the idea I am open to changing my opinion should the internal *science* of my body or belief system shift...and I usually explain the true value of "medicine" psychologically for both the physician AND the patient is belief whatever is prescribed will work (see placebo study outcomes over the years, or a more recent one here: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Depression/story?id=117057&page=1 ). It's hard to have two RIGHT people in the same exam room as exam rooms tend to be quite small for two big and bull headed people to fit into...sigh.

On a *happier* note, I did get "the shot" today for my shoulder and there is no surgical intervention necessary at this point. Apparently, I suffered a bad contusion in my socket, which resulted in fluid accumulation in the joint, subsequent inflammation and swelling, and ultimately F^<@ing bad pain! I am on the cautious mend...I was told to stay off unstable high places, refrain from any boxing matches, no stunts on the trapeze (especially when being SPANKED...just can't let that visual go, can I?!?), and head to my nearest Physical Therapy office for some PT.

I can do that...all of it. :-) Anything to avoid seeing yet another new healthcare provider who MS-guilts me or be asked the question, "What did you DO?!?" again. Who knows, my next story may include SPANKING in my explanation of pain or injury to providers just to throw them off the MS trail scent...

Commisery Loves Company...

2011-09-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah...I've got nothing better to do while I sit around at home *recuperating*, so you get the second blog post in a year here. It IS a better day today in the world of Cheese, I must say. As the haze of narcotic-filled drama lifts from my junkie eyes, I am beginning to see a faint light at the end of this ordeal. So don't anybody MOVE because I don't want a breeze to blow this candle out!!

I managed to slink in to see young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc yesterday and left with nothing more than when I went in...except a mother load of Oxycodone, that is! WTF?!? Most people who are TRYING to get doctors to prescribe narcotics can't...I tell them I don't WANT anymore painkillers, but a remedy instead, and I walk out with drugs that have a street value high enough to pay this month's mortgage. I just don't get it...

OK, I suppose it was the tears. I probably would have prescribed something too, to get me out the door quickly after I started bawling like a farm yard baby calf (insert sound effect here). Strangely, I am learning the stoic approach to pain doesn't really lend any empathy, but sobbing like a two-year-old sure causes anxiety on the part of the professional! I am considering sobbing hysterically on the phone next time I just need to make an appointment and see if I can get in sooner than a month from the time I call...hehe.

So, my appointment began by young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc sending in his kindly female Physician's Assistant to give me the once over and hear my tale of woes regarding my injury, pain, and recent ER visit. She was very kind...she offered me the Oxy script immediately and I explained I already HAD narcotics at home (compliments of a neurologist who also likes to prescribe big drugs in hopes her patients will STFU, too) and I didn't want to continue taking them, but rather find a more permanent solution to the acute pain. I also disclosed the high amount of NSAID (Ibuprofen) I had been taking just to get 2-3 hours of relief, but I was having to take it way beyond the recommended 24 hour dose. She checked me over (physical exam), then said she would consult with young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc, and there would probably be some repeat x-rays in my future.

I didn't wait but a few minutes before young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc entered the room with his laptop computer and what appeared to be the skeletal version of my left shoulder plastered across the screen...the x-rays the ER took 2 days prior. I must digress here and say I rather LIKE the x-ray version of my arm as it cuts off considerable fat and, other than a faint shadow around the humerus, I DO look svelte! But anyway...

Young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc puts me through the same physical exam as his kindly Physician's Assistant did, then takes a stern look with me to inquire WHY I had been taking such high dose NSAID? I explained again...adding that I didn't like the effects narcotics had on me as far as nausea, drowsiness, and feeling out of it. He maintained his stern look (which is pretty funny if you think of a 15 year old boy trying to look *cross* with you!) and announced it was "far better to feel out of it than to be on dialysis because you've blown your kidney's out".

**My head snapped up with the "stern" look of a 47 year old beauch about to attack and eat her prey**

"Yes," I calmly said, albeit my lips were already quivering with a mix of anger and angst. "I realize the dose I've been taking is far above the recommended dose. But you see, I WENT TO THE ER and they offered me nothing, no advice, no words of encouragement, and no pain management...they just said to come see YOU. All I got was this expensive sling", I said pointing to the $750 dollar contraption that cost $10.00 dollars to make. I could tell we were NOT understanding each other at this juncture.

Young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc changed his pose with me and began showing me my x-rays on his high tech laptop...he pointed out what he thought were abnormalities (and never ONCE commented on my svelte skeletal structure...boo!) and told me he needed to see an MRI (MSer's...we KNOW the MRI routine). He said he couldn't be certain, but was concerned I had a lesser density area of the head of my humerus bone and (again wasn't certain) that I may have a bone fragment "torn" away in the shoulder. He continued talking while I stopped listening.

Seriously?!? Bones do NOT tear. WTF?!? Somewhere in his talking he said the word "surgery" and I went on auto-pilot cruising at an altitude that lacked oxygen and was making me lightheaded. Things blurred. His medical assistant/handler came into the room to schedule my MRI and announced they only "do" MRI's Wednesday through Friday and there were no appointments this week, so "how does next Wednesday sound?"

**Commence bawling like a farm yard calf with full sound effect here**

Somehow I managed to choke out the words, "that does not work for me" and told the handler maybe I had misunderstood her? Did she seriously intend to have me wait ANOTHER 7 days before obtaining the test that might possibly diagnose the acute pain?? I started to leave without scheduling...

PATHetic. The handler then announced she had procured an appointment at a different location for the next day for my MRI...she said it as though she may have just discovered the Theory of Relativity or the appointment had just suddenly fallen out of the sky into her lap. Surprise...

Somewhere in my PATHetic-ness, I DID inquire about the cortisone shot I had really come in for in the first place...the handler and the kindly Physician's Assistant stepped back ready to fend off a cobra strike. The kindly Physician's Assistant explained (again...I guess I missed that part of young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc's speech due to my high altitude cruising earlier) they could not give me the shot today because not only would it interfere with the MRI results, it "could" do me more harm than good in the long run.

I left the office eventually in my expensive sling but at least with an appointment for the MRI in hand (my still good hand) and today had the MRI done. I filled the mega-script narcotics and did try the crap yesterday, but again decided I would rather suffer pain than be unresponsive and still HAVE the pain. And oddly, today is a much improved day...the pain has lessened significantly on it's own (no thanks to the Medical Establishment) and I can lift my arm about 6 full inches from my side and I'm tolerating some range of motion exercises better! WOOHOO!! That's a mighty improvement.

Who knows? Given some time, I may be back to BEAUCH SLAPPING people again in no time...doubt anyone will want to prescribe me narcotics for THAT...

BAAACK! WITH A VENGENCE..

2011-09-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

Well, Hellooo!

Yes, it HAS been over a year since I posted anything here...thank you for noticing. Ehem. I've been busy living life, working, and paying my mortgage. Yes, apparently I DO still have MS somewhere in my pea-brain, but for the most part, it continues to keep itself on simmer on the back burner...WooHoo. I am still off all the DMD's, have not needed any ROIDS for well over 2 years, and continue to be employed full-time. Now don't be a "hater" bout this, Mkay? It is what it is...for ME, but prolly not for YOU.

But just because I am not frequenting my neurologist's office every five minutes anymore with an MS complaint DOESN'T mean I am exempt from the dysfunction of the Medical Establishment (ME) these days. O' quite contrare', dear-ies. I still have *issues* with living and I still have delightful encounters with the Medical Establishment...which is why I am coming back to this blog today...

I probably should have titled this blog post, "The System IS Broken"...but it's hard to sheepishly return to something I haven't paid any attention to for over a year, then blast out an opinion, still narcissistically thinking anyone out there still CARES what my opinion may be (if they ever did)! Perhaps it is only the painkillers talking now anyway...

Saturday evening I was assisting with the hanging and OCD straightening of some pictures while standing on a not-so-secure-chair and, as would be typical for a blundering idiot, I managed to fall off said not-so-secure-chair to the floor. After the laughter ceased from my graceful performance piece (because I MEANT to do that...hehe) and much later in the evening, I began to get twinges of pain in my left shoulder and neck, which became pounding aches while trying to sleep at 3:00AM. By Sunday evening (24 hours later, but seemed like a week), the pain in my shoulder was so great, I began contemplating my Last Will and Testament (because I realized if I died from this mystery pain issue, there were a couple of people I wanted to add and delete from my Will!). I had out the ice bags, the Ibuprofen, the narcotics, and dusted off the Bible (just in case).

Now, for those of you who used to read this blather, you may recall I have *issues* with the Medical Establishment anyway and will generally avoid the Beast at all costs...and, because the last time I was in an ER it was because I had removed a Scopolamine patch, then promptly stuck my finger in my eye, causing my pupil to "blow", and a subsequent emergent $7,000 work up for a stroke that I didn't have...well, I am a little embarrassed to go through those doors again unless I am squirting blood from my aorta and really can't apply pressure myself to stop the hemorrhage!

So, I gritted my teeth, chewed the leather strap, and waited it out until Monday morning.

Because I have been assigned to so many specialists in the past for so many reasons (some necessary, some unnecessary), I already have my name on the roster of an Orthopedic Doctor. At the stroke of 9:00:01 Monday morning, I hit the speed dial for young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc and pushed the magical buttons several times to reach a live person...with my good arm/hand. I was told by the young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc's gate keeper that the soonest I could get an appointment was Wednesday and to try calling my Primary Care Physician...*click*.

The pain was too great...I dialed my PCN (Primary Care Nurse...because I believe in ARNP's far more than MD's) and pushed the magical buttons several times again to reach a live person...only to be told my ARNP was on vacation (how DARE she be during my time of need?!?). I was advised by the 12 year old receptionist at my PCN's office to try calling the Urgent Care Clinic instead.

Sigh...the pain continued. So I looked up the number for the Consulting Nurse for the Urgent Care Clinic I have gone to in the past and dialed AGAIN. This time I got a live person who took my information and told me someone would call me back. I waited...in pain...less patiently than I had waited at 9:00:01AM.

Eventually a Consulting Nurse called my number and I answered it before the *ing* could sound on the *burring* noise the phone makes. The Consulting Nurse asked me a bunch of questions, wrote down some information (like what meds I take daily), then advised me to GO TO AN ER because she felt my symptoms warranted an ER visit per her checklist sheet she was using to tentatively diagnose my condition because free thinking is NOT a part of the consulting component of healthcare.

**THUD**

I girded my loins, took an hour to dress myself with the use of only one arm and the other in bad pain, and headed to my local ER...only to wait another 2 1/2 hours before getting into a room (which frankly is a pretty short wait these days at an ER, given EVERYONE now uses the ER for primary care issues due to lack of insurance...but I digress). I had my blood pressure taken and 3 x-rays of my shoulder before a Physician's Assistant knocked on my curtain and introduced herself...she told me she had to wait until the radiologist (at some remote site in Liberia) could read my x-rays before she could talk to me and left.

GOOGLE is a wonderful search engine...and, in my obvious spare time, I began GOOGLING (verb) my condition. I AM a healthcare professional myself, after all...I know how to GOOGLE as well as THEY do!

Rotator Cuff Injury...Ta Da! Classic symptoms, moderate to severe pain, inability to lift the arm laterally, deep/aching pain in the shoulder joint, clicking noise with attempted movement, pain much worse at night. GOOGLE even told me the treatment: rest, ice, passive range of motion exercises, cortisone shot in the tendon.

By the time my x-rays were transmitted electronically to Liberia, read by the radiologist, called back to the PA in the ER, and her return to throw back my curtain and announce her diagnosis given to her by the radiologist, I already HAD the diagnosis in hand...the look on her face was one of let down when I told her first I was pretty certain there was nothing broken and I had sustained a Rotator Cuff Injury. She "concurred" (I love using that term). I also had Calcific Tendonitis in the shoulder (she got to add that one to trump me) as seen on x-ray. She told me I would probably need an MRI as well as there was a high probability I had torn the cuff, but that wasn't a test they would typically do in an ER because there was no "urgency" (like the urgency of someone having a freaking stroke or THOUGHT to be having a freaking stroke because they stuck their finger in their eye with medicine on it!!).

I explained I had already been doing the rest, ice, ROM to the extent I could, and taking way too many narcotics/anti-inflammatories to try to cut the pain (causing me stomach upset and probable ulcer) and inquired about the cortisone shot to give me some relief. And THIS is where I became painfully aware of how broken the system is:

The PA told me, "Oh, we don't give cortisone shots in the ER because it's a specialized shot and you'll have to see an Orthopedic Doctor to do that because we don't want to rupture your tendon in the ER." She gave me a sling, told me to do what I had been doing, and go home and see my young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc.

********************

Day two off work and I wait...in pain...for my Wednesday appointment that I made on Monday because apparently only a SPECIALIST can do "special" treatments. I called this morning at 9:00:01AM to the young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc's office to inquire if I could be on a wait list for anyone who may cancel today because I am only 10 minutes away from his clinic and remain in moderate to severe pain. I was told by the young Sports Medicine Ortho Doc's handler that the doctor was in surgery all day and not in the clinic...apparently there are also SURGICAL repairs for my condition. I GOOGLED it...

Going Rogue With MS...

2010-06-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

In the words of the now famous (or infamous, depending on your political slant), "I've gone rogue". Personally, I think the Cheese looks fabulous super-imposed on the Palin cover (enjoying it now before the Republican lawyers contact me regarding "infringements"...hehe). But, anywhooo...

But for the grace of God go I...perhaps that would be a better title for this post. Yes, it HAS been over 6 months since I visited this blog (or YOURS, for that matter), and I wish I had tales of world travel or some other exciting news to share as reason for my absence, but I don't. Frankly, it's a rather complicated explanation, which I will try to simplify now: I'VE GONE ROGUE WITH MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS.

OK, maybe that DOESN'T exactly simplify my explanation so, let me break it down for you briefly here. I was diagnosed with MS in 2003...I spent nearly 6 of the last 7 years trying every treatment approved by the FDA for slowing the progression of MS (and one or two NON-approved ones here and there)...and the MS only seemed to worsen OR I felt so incredibly ill from the medications, I had moments of WISHING the dayumed disease would just kill me. In December 2008, I made the decision to stop all "approved" clinical treatments, believing in my heart of hearts I would much rather have a year or two of NOT feeling ill from medicines and accept potential disability than 5 or 10 years of feeling like hammered sh!+ and STILL potentially become disabled. Alas, there are no guarantees with MS...

In the summer of 2009, amongst detoxing from nearly 6 years of chemicals in my body, I began a "new" approach to living with my version of MS. Perhaps some might simply label it as DENIAL, but I labeled it as a RENEWAL. I ceased worrying or focusing on what the disease "might" do to me and began living WITH it. I started a new exercise plan, a new intake plan, and a new *mental health* plan...and, strangely enough, this approach began working for me. I lost nearly 40 pounds (although winter assisted with packing a few pounds of that back on my less than svelte frame!), began having less fatigue and more energy, and basically (from friend's daring reports) was a more PLEASANT person to be around (imagine that?!?). MS became a thought/problem on the back burner of my sometimes misfiring brain and I refused to acknowledge each and every ache/pain as a "sign" of impending misfortune. I went ROGUE with my MS...

This approach has worked well for me...most days now, I barely give thought to the disease. I feel better than I have in at least 7 years and I have packed an incredible amount of activity into my life over the past 6 months. I think in ceasing posts on this blog, I was also able to put "out of sight, out of mind" the problems associated with my MS. I simply didn't want to talk about it, read about, or dwell upon it. And today, I really DO feel fortunate and think, "but for the grace of God go I". I am content, peaceful, and finally LIVING again.

My *renewal* has certainly not left me disease-free...MS is still present in my life, but to a much lesser degree than when I previously focused on it daily in this blog or via reading other wonderful MS blogger posts. And I still DO have those mornings (which sometimes turn into days or a series of days) where MS reminds me it is still lurking in my brain...a simple fall to the floor or dizzy spell, or weakness, or pain, or "brain fart", or tightness in my legs/chest, reminds me I am mortal and I carry the disease called Multiple Sclerosis inside me. That's life...unpredictable and ever-changing. And it is MY life...which I choose to live however I want to.

It has been over 18 months since I last sat hooked to an infusion pump, either receiving Tysabri or steroids...I've enjoyed that freedom. I do NOT necessarily recommend *Going Rogue* to anyone else with MS...I am only telling you what has worked for me. This was a long thought out choice I made that ("but for the grace of God go I") has WORKED for ME. We are all different in our disease process and each make our own choices how to manage that AND what consequences we are willing to live with in our choices. I AM living with mine...

OK, that went a little beyond BRIEF explanation! Now on to what the Cheese HAS been doing with her life since my last post...I'll also try to make this *brief* because basically, I'm only adding it for filler. LOL

January brought the ending of the journey for a dear colleague and friend...I was depressed. I still miss him. Another coworker and I put together a beautiful video tribute of his life for his memorial service in February.

February came with a trip to the Midwest to visit the sister of Cheese...family...what can I say? Perhaps that is sufficient. I DID get to hear my young aspiring musician/singer niece perform while there, which brought tears to my eyes...she did NOT inherit that talent from me! February also brought a trip to Urgent Care and a scare with the medical profession due to a serious upper respiratory infection. I managed to skirt disaster with several oral medications and once again cheated the Grim Reaper out of another soul! I also attended the first of three colleague retirement parties (we are leaving/dropping like flies at my "govment" job!).

March, from what I can recall, was a fairly quiet month. Whew...another retirement party, a long, drawn out winter, and more rain.

April promised Spring and she lied...although, June promised Summer and she's a lying whore, too, but I digress. Another sinus infection plagued me and I discovered the use of the *neti pot*...gross little thing, but seemed to ward off yet ANOTHER round of medications.

In May, my colleagues and people I THOUGHT were my friends, decided to vote me OFF the island and into a Union Stewardship position at my job...I'm still considering writing each and every one of them out of my will for this, but have stopped short of homicidal intentions. :-) This is not a job I take lightly nor is the learning curve an easy slope. Just call me Norma Rae...

June (we're still IN this month, aren't we?!?) as I mentioned, was supposed to bring the beginning of Summer...we are still waiting on that here in Seattle. I hate weather forecasters...they offer false hopes. I have walked in more cloudy, rainy days on wet streets than I care to mention (other than to subtly say I have continued my treks across town in an effort to drop my winter pudge!). More Union meetings, another huge retirement extravaganza for one of my *X* friends (he WAS one of the Union Shop Stewards I have so ineptly replaced...bastid for retiring after 30 years!), a viewing of the highly acclaimed Cirque Du Soleil performance - KOOZA, a tense contractor/neighbor issue of replacing a falling down fence line, and...STILL no summer to speak of. I also had the wonderful opportunity of meeting IN PERSON, bloggers, Jen and Lisa, from the east coast! Hoo Yah!!! I greeted them at the hotel with a sign bearing my profile picture so they might recognize me:

Had a magnificent time touring some quick sites of Seattle and hearing what I considered *exotic Jersey accents*!!!

Here's hoping July brings some sunshine short of a heat wave...I still have no tolerance for heat (and NO, Joyce...STILL no air conditioning unit!). July promises gardening (if the sun ever shines for more than a few hours), more Union activities (we are in process of preparing for contract negotiations in the shadow of a huge county and state budget deficit...of course, I inherit THIS mess!), another celebration of the birth of the Cheese (should I make it to the end of the month!), grilling, planning a trip to the coast for a few days, and more action-packed *fun* at my job. Throw in several more treks around the "hood" to complete another hundred mile walking summer, and I'd say my schedule is full in the upcoming month.

I have not yet decided if I am returning to this blog to write about MS...after all, I seem to have SO little to say about the disease from my own perspective AND there are sooooo many other wonderful MS bloggers out there spending considerable time researching, talking, sharing, and discussing Multiple Sclerosis...I pale in comparison because, as you already know, such LITTLE thought goes into anything I write here! We'll see...

Here's wishing y'all a pleasant summer! And now, I'm continuing to skip down my *rogue* path...

MIA...

2010-01-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

Thank you to the many who have politely tolerated my silent disappearing act here on CHEESE. I am alive...dealing with multiple personal issues and losses over the past two months that have kept me incredibly preoccupied and quiet. I WILL plan with good intention to write again on this blog...just not today. I am pecking THIS tiny post from a cell phone somewhere in rural Missouri at the moment!

I also apologize to those of you who have sent me links to your blog to add to the CHEESE blog roll...I will get around to adding you there...again, just not today.

Yeah, Yeah...So It's December Already...

2009-12-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

...and I haven't posted anything here for several weeks. Life happens.

I'm home at the moment with swollen glands in my neck and severe fatigue...ruled out that any of this is MS-related, but not so sure about the possibility of Ebola, Hantavirus, Cat Scratch Fever, or the good old 1500's plague. I DID complete the Seattle 1/2 Marathon Walk last week on Sunday...got the T-shirt and the medal to prove it...also got a half dollar-sized blister on the bottom of my right foot, but who's complaining?!? I've been busily "recovering" from the event ever since.

Just a few odds and ends to entertain, annoy, or disturb you:

1. Yes, Seattle IS now known as the cop killer city of the United States...we've had five police officer murders in the area since the end of October. Last weekend, I spent much of the night awake as helicopters circled overhead searching for a "suspect" in the recent shootings...that "suspect" is now dead...an officer shot and killed him...poetic justice, if you ask me.

2. I am receiving numerous "spam-type" comments to this blog daily. Anyone else have this sort of problem on their blogs? And just so you spammers know, I do not NEED cheaper drugs from Canada or Russian female escorts at this time...I HAVE health insurance and I don't speak Russian (or Canadian, for that matter...LOL).

3. It is colder than a well digger's ass once again in Seattle...frankly, I'm kinda hoping there really IS something to this global warming theory...would like to see a warming trend near me...just could do without the acid rain if possible.

4. I have made FOUR (count them -- 4) grocery bags full of Grandma Goldie's Holiday Snack Mix this year. This endeavor must stop...it has grown into a massive production and expense. To all of you expecting your yearly dividend of mix, be aware unless you provide proof of citizenship in the land of BrainCheese, you will no longer receive your yearly ration...you HAVE been warned. :-)

5. Bah Freakin' Humbug...is it REALLY that time of year again already when I have to brave the annoyances of the general public just to find some silly little gifts for friends and family because it is "tradition"?? Hello??? I don't DO Christmas, I'm NOT Jewish, and I'm hoping no one will notice if I just casually "forget" them this year. People have way too high of expectations for me and MY bar of accomplishment is soooo very low.

6. I discovered "carb loading" for exertion exercise does NOT include a 3 week plan of eating anything one wants before an event. Who knew? I carb loaded for nearly 3 weeks before the half Marathon Walk and now must pay the price...that price being some weight gain (of the nearly 40 pounds I have worked so hard to lose these past 5 months!!!) of about 5 pounds and feeling once again like a sugar junkie. Guess I should have consulted a personal trainer, but why? They probably would have told me I should only "carb load" the night before the event and what fun is there in such strict instruction?!?

7. It's official: I probably WILL live to see the year 2010...I feel like a foreign actor in some kind of strange sci-fi movie. Wasn't it just 1976 last year and we were celebrating our nation's bicentennial?

8. Prediction: Microsoft's BING will never be able to compete with Google..."google" has made it into the urban dictionary as a verb, for gosh sake. I can't imagine EVER saying, "Well, why don't you just Bing it?"...just doesn't sound right. Nice try Bill Gates...

9. Words of Wisdom: Just because it's advertised as an "all you can eat" buffet, doesn't mean you SHOULD. I'm just saying...from personal experience.

10. Shout Out: You know who you are and you rock! You make me smile...aweeeee.

Guest Blogger...

2009-11-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

I received an email from Mary Ward, a freelance writer who writes for several blogs. She asked if she could submit an article for BrainCheese over 3 weeks ago...and, being the complete CHEESE HEAD that I am, I am also just now getting around to responding.

My first thought was, "Why would ANYONE who is an actual writer even WANT to submit something to be printed on this little toilet paper piece of the Internet?" I was quickly able to let go of that question (not because it was answered) and realize I have been too preoccupied with life to write anything of my OWN here, so I jumped at the opportunity!!

So, without further ado, I present Mary Ward and her post titled, "How To Keep Fit When You Have Multiple Sclerosis".

For people who have Multiple Sclerosis, keeping physically fit is extremely beneficial. No matter how you are affected by Multiple Sclerosis, there are a number of exercises from which you can benefit. If you stay as physically fit and healthy as possible, many of your symptoms may improve and their effects minimized.

Exercising on a regular basis will help effectively to keep you body working as well as possible to its fullest potential. Each person is affected by Multiple Sclerosis and you know what you like to do. It is vital that you find the exercise routine that suits you best and you know you will enjoy. Some people enjoy playing team sports like baseball and basketball. Other people with Multiple Sclerosis enjoy yoga and Tai Chi. You will benefit from any type of physical movement. You can even stay fit from activities such as cleaning, gardening or taking brief walks. Using your muscles will help keep you fit.

No evidence exists to suggest that exercise has a negative effect on Multiple Sclerosis over time. Nor is there any evidence that exercising will cause a relapse. As a matter of fact, the research on the subject indicates the exact opposite.

Exercise works effectively to improve the overall health of a person with a mild case of Multiple Sclerosis. It helps people with severe cases of Multiple Sclerosis remain as active and mobile as possible. Exercise works effectively to help many people afflicted with Multiple Sclerosis to better manage their symptoms such as bowel and bladder complications, difficulty balancing, muscle stiffness, anxiety, fatigue and depression. Exercise also helps to decrease the chance of heart disease.

In order to find the exercises that meet your particular abilities and needs, you may find physiotherapy quite helpful. A physiotherapist may be able to help you find the exercises to concentrate on a certain part of your body that needs improvement, or aid with management of a particular effect of your Multiple Sclerosis.

A single Multiple Sclerosis exercise that works for all cases just does not exist. Multiple Sclerosis affects different people in many different ways. Therefore, the best exercises will vary from one person to the next. In addition, you may find that the benefits you desire from an exercise routine will change over time.

Several types of exercise work effectively to help keep your body healthy, especially if you are affected by Multiple Sclerosis, such as:

· Aerobics like running, cycling or rowing are a great way to get the blood pumping all throughout the body by using several different muscle groups.

· Strength training exercises, such as lifting or using small weights, work well. You can also use the weight of your own body to strengthen your muscles and bones.

· Stretching is the ideal way to keep your muscles relaxed and supple. Remember to stretch before beginning any aerobic exercise, and use stretching as an exercise all its own.

· Posture exercises work to keep your head, shoulders, knees, feet and pelvis all in proper alignment to reduce the amount of strain on the bones and muscles.

No matter how you are affected by Multiple Sclerosis, you should be able to find an appropriate exercise routine that will make a huge difference in the way live with and manage your condition.

Mary Ward blogs about how to apply to online sonography programs.

Too Close To Home...

2009-11-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

It happened just after 10:00PM last night...10:05 to be nearly exact. I had been spending my Hallows in meditation, fasting, and in introspect, when I heard the first volley of gunfire. Seven shots...I counted them. Then, a brief pause followed by 10 more. I know THIS, too, because I counted them (contrary to what the local news is reporting).

The sound of gunfire is NOT all that unfamiliar in the part of Seattle where I live...frankly, I'm not sure it is unfamiliar in MOST areas of any city these days. But THIS particular gunfire was not that far away from my home...within minutes, maybe two, I heard the sounds of multiple sirens racing over the streets and saw the Seattle Police Department zipping up and down the road. There was a frantic quality to the response last night...not that SPD doesn't ALWAYS respond quickly to most calls. But this was no ordinary call of "shots fired".

Last night, a Seattle Police officer was gunned down while sitting in his cruiser less than 1/2 mile from my home. He was killed in the first volley of seven shots I heard. News reports say an unknown gunman simply pulled up along side the police cruiser and opened fire...there was no provocation and no warning. This officer was literally assasinated for no particular reason...other than he was wearing the familiar blue uniform and badge.

I don't personally know the murdered officer...news reports say he was a training officer and was in the middle of a training shift with a rookie only one month on the job. Of course, the news is ALSO reporting a variance in the number of shots fired. I KNOW the exact count...I listened to it, looked at my watch, and waited to hear the sounds of sirens in hopeful response. The sound seemed too far away for me to identify a location for a 911 operator.

The words, "senseless crime", seem like SUCH a completely strange combination of words when trying to make sense of this tragedy. After all, isn't ALL crime senseless? But to literally assasinate a police officer, or ANY human being for that matter, leaves me speechless...and very, very sad.

I work very closely with the Seattle Police force in my "govmet" job...time and time again, these officers have covered MY arse when dealing with a potentially violent mentally ill patient. They go in first, securing the way for ME to enter to do my job. They cover MY back...keeping me safe so that I might ALSO protect the public in the role I have...whether that be protecting a suicidal individual or someone who's mental illness causes them to want to harm others.

It was through my job I learned about the "black stripe" on an officer's badge...an SPD officer kindly told me what the piece of tape meant that he was wearing on his badge when I somewhat dumbly inquired, not knowing the depth of the significance. I was told whenever an officer is killed in the line of duty, the force dons their badges with a black stripe to signify the mourning of the fallen officer...it is their "memorial" of sorts to their commrade.

The killing of the SPD officer last night hits too close to home, not just on a geographical level, but a personal/emotional one as well. I am keenly reminded of the inherent dangers of working as a public servant myself. I am often tasked with making safety decisions in MY job whether or not to request a police escort into a situation or whether I feel "safe" entering with only my work partner and the sole weapon we carry...our brains. The majority of the time, we make the appropriate decision about our safety and the safety of the population we serve. But there is always a margin of possibility we might miscalculate our sense of safety and find ourselves in dangerous situations. These are the risks we take...every day. And EVERY DAY at the end of the day, I am quite thankful yet another has gone by without injury or harm to myself, my colleagues, or the population we serve.

And EVERY DAY, I am always thankful the men and women in blue of the Seattle Police Department are available to me if I need them...willing to "go in" first so that I might safely do my job. I don't have a *badge* to carry in my job...so today, I'm simply putting a black piece of tape across my heart and honoring these courageous officers...

Cheese Curds...

2009-10-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

Wow...I have finally rolled back over here to this blog, only to discover I HAVEN'T been here for over a week! What's up with that?!? Hmmm...wish I had a plausible explanation, but all I've got are a few CHEESE CURDS to discuss in my life right now...tidbits...nothing grand happening...just little things!

Since returning home from my GRAND experience in the Canyon named for such, I jumped directly back into my work schedule that is the busiest part of my rotation AND the part that is the most dreaded: DAY SHIFTS!!! Yep...nothing like a little 6:00AM action following a perfect vacation to set the tone for disgruntle. LOL It was a difficult shift just RETURNING back to "real" life from the Canyon let alone the abnormality of my schedule...but, somehow I got through it.

There is LITTLE else to tell or report in my life right now...not even sure THIS qualifies as CHEESE CURDS! I continue to try to keep up my walking, which also takes a good chunk of my time during the week. I've now walked a whopping 200 miles since I began this quest in July...and I'm dayumed proud of myself, too. :-) The farthest I have traveled in one walk time so far is 9 miles, but I am expecting to do 10 next week (the 11, then 12, then 13, and THEN the Seattle Half Marathon Walk!!). Of course, just as my journey times out doors advance into the 3 hour zone, the WEATHER in Seattle has tipped it's hat, dropping significant rain in the Emerald City. Since this is only typical for a return to winter months here, I've been out WALKING in it...can anyone spell "Monsoon"?!?

I'm hoping to make a few short, one or two night trips here and there this fall to visit some nearby friends...beyond that, the only things on my schedule are to work, sleep, eat, repeat. So, enough of MY cheese curds...what fine morsels of life's news do YOU have to share? Hope yours are a bit more "tasty" than mine!~...

Staring Into The Face Of God...

2009-10-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more *grand*, mystical, magical, or infinite than to stare into this canyon and know there is a place in this world for all of us...to know there is a far greater plan than I will ever comprehend.

And I'm quite content knowing I will never understand...

Canyon Bound!...

2009-09-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

Off to check and see if anyone has shoveled enough dirt in the Grand Canyon to fill 'er up! Be back soon, preciouses...until then, click that link over there for 150 MS Blogs to Suck Your Time and entertain yourselves with a few wonderful blogs!

Embracing Mortality, Living Immortal...

2009-09-23T10:48:00.000-07:00

I was 9 years old when I learned about mortality...the lesson was during a time in my life when I should have been allowed to continue to believe I could fly, if only I learned to flap my arms fast enough. Nine is awfully young to be asked to give up magical thinking and one's belief time is eternal...or at the very least, hoping the summer season would last forever without school.

It was the end of September in the fall of 1973 when I discovered I was vulnerable. It was this particular fall, like no other season, I was suddenly forced to believe my body was not invincible and I was merely mortal...a fragile human being walking on the egg shells of time.

On a mildly warm fall day, I was playing tag football with my best friend on the farm, when I gradually began to feel "weak"...I was having trouble standing without fatigue and the game drained all of my energy. It was only a few hours later my mother picked me up and took me home from our slumber party...I didn't really want to leave, but I felt strange and very tired.

Over the course of the next 24 hours, I developed what my mother thought was the stomach flu...in 1973, my family not only didn't believe in using modern medicine, they simply couldn't afford it. So, I was kept at home feeling very ill and vomiting anything I ate...mother still made me go to Sunday school that day, thinking I was only feigning illness to get out of paying my respects to the Baby Jesus. After all, I HAD faked illness before and successfully been allowed to stay home from church.

The next day, I was allowed to stay home from school because my temperature "didn't feel right"...in the days of the old mercury thermometers, my mother still felt the back of her hand was a more reliable gauge of fever than science. EP (my father) had a short business trip planned to the city 100 miles away, so my mother loaded me up in the van and we all drove out of town...still believing the stomach flu would pass as quickly as it had set in.

By the middle of the afternoon, with my parents in a store while I rested in the van, I suddenly had a strange sensation something was terribly wrong in my body...and I was frightened. I needed to find my mother to let her know I was becoming sicker, so I tried to walk into the store, collapsing at the front doors. Someone alerted my parents to the lump of flesh balled up outside and my parents came to scoop me up...rather than stopping at a hospital in the city, they drove the 100 miles BACK to our farming village to consult with the doctor in a nearby town...I heard my mother put the phone down and try to tell EP calmly the doctor had said to take me to the hospital...and then I passed out again.

I recall being quite alarmed when my father/EP, who was not known for affection, lifted me out of the car at the hospital and carried me into the emergency room practically running...I remember being relieved I was not asked to walk in myself. The doctor met us at the ER, took one look at me, poked my abdomen causing me to nearly pass out again, and uttered the words, "Prep her". I had no idea what those words meant, but I could sense the fear on my mother's face. The last thing I remember is having my arms strapped down out to my side in a strange crucifix fashion while staring into bright, hot lights above...I was screaming loudly, but it was as if no one could hear me...or perhaps the screams were only in my mind.

When I eventually recall being conscious again, I could hear the hum of some sort of machine beside me, and saw my mother crying in the chair across the room...I vaguely remember hearing the doctor telling her somewhat sternly, "Another few hours and she wouldn't have made it". A nurse was adjusting an IV line over head and, with what seemed like surprise in her voice said, "Oh, you're back!" She then very gently smoothed my hair away from my face and turned to tell the doctor I was "awake now"...it was so strange receiving such a gentle caress from a stranger.

I had narrowly survived a ruptured appendix and the ravages of septicemia that had infected my body over the prior 48 hours. Over the next 3 weeks, I would remain in the hospital, receiving IV infusions of various antibiotics, and trying to come to terms with my near death experience.

*******

At the age of 9 years old, I was forced to embrace my own mortality. I remember the exact moment in time the realization of impending death shadowed my thinking...I remember touching upon an understanding that shattered my innocence: I was merely mortal. I could and would die some day and I would cease to be. Illness could overcome me at any time, any place. My body was fragile and unpredictable. It seeped into my thinking quietly, yet with the force of a strong undercurrent, washing away my young foundation.

I believe it was this experience that continued (and continues) to color my view of life as I know it. And this very experience has remained always present in my unconscious, teaching me to be cautious because illness is unpredictable and Life is fragile...the experience shaped much of my adult life and how I have viewed and approached illness (and wellness) in my body, particularly my initial response to being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

The day I was diagnosed with MS, I embraced my mortality. Words like "fate" and "punishment" and various other themes of demise salted my thinking. I was angry and I was sad, sometimes dipping into all five stages of Kubler-Ross grief in a matter of hours. I recall believing I would most likely end up being in that 5% of the MS population who becomes wheelchair-bound in their first 5 years of diagnosis. I was terrified I would end up a ward of the State tucked away in some dingy nursing home and become either too disabled mentally or physically to *pull my own plug* so to speak. I did everything I could think of in my ultra-organized, anal-retentive fashion of thinking to "prepare" for the inevitable...I exercised every option available to make proper preparations for my eventual demise - from Living Wills to savings accounts - all to embrace my mortality.

Interestingly enough, what I have finally begun to learn in 45 years of walking on this earth and 6 years being diagnosed with MS is this: In embracing my mortality, I have neglected a key component necessary in preparing to die. I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.

These past several months while I have been away from this blog/the computer/email, I have been retraining my mind and body in the simple act of LIVING. In a world where the Grim Reaper has always been felt breathing down my neck, this has been no easy task. I remain rough around the edges as I continue to try new paths, new tasks, and learn new LIFE skills. But slowly, I have begun to feel the grip of MS and the squeeze of mortality loosening...I am beginning to feel as though I may once again fill my mortal lungs full of breath without worry the air may be the last I inhale. I am learning that, although the physical body is mortal, LIFE is eternal and will continue on long after my physical being ceases to exist...this notion has nothing to do with religion or heaven/hell/Karma, but everything to do with being present NOW...LIVING my life as though I am immortal.

As we turn the wheel of the seasons yet another round, I am keenly aware of the animal instinct to take stock in our bounty for the winter. Fall is always a time to begin looking toward the dark winter of our souls as we prepare for that quiet stillness. I feel comfortable moving into this new season, knowing this summer, I have harvested all I need to survive the chill of my unconscious being.

I know that I am merely a mortal...and I am CHOOSING to live life like there is no tomorrow. I am CHOOSING to live immortal...

MS Inspiration?...

2009-09-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

I have to admit...there is little that truly inspires me, except for the occasional glorious sunset and right now, the thought of eating a huge piece of chocolate cake (which I don't have available, BUBBIE! Not on the Met-Miracle plan...sigh). But, after spending my Saturday at the local Bike MS Ride here in Washington State, I have found myself *inspired* (not to be confused with perspired or even expired).

Yes, I was once again in attendance at the area "Rah Rah MS Ride"...that's how I usually refer to it. It used to be called the MS 150, but somehow that must have confused the less than logical riders, so it's now just called the Bike MS Ride. The National MS Society sponsors a gazillion of these rides across the United States each year and the Greater Washington MS Society Chapter holds their version of the ride in September every year, rain or shine. I've been to 3 of these events...you may recall, the FIRST two involved an incredible amount of beauching and moaning from the CHEESE as she had somehow found herself in a less than glamorous cabinet position as the "tent czar" for Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named team. It was hella work.

THIS year, I finally came to my senses and decided it was time to give some other poor and undeserving individual the "tent czar" title (and to take care of the Higher Maintenance Dr. SWWNBN!) The planning took too much of my time and energy away from me in the past...and I just thought it was someone else' *turn*. Thank goodness another willing participant took up the cause (and she's on the list for my left kidney, should she ever need it)! So, I was free to simply become what I call "tent bling" at the event this year and actually ENJOY myself for the day (watching other worker ants do what I used to do).

It was a *bootiful* and warm, late summer day here in the typically-raining-Puget-Sound area on Saturday...I had a pleasant hour or so drive to Mount Vernon, Washington, singing my guts out with the car stereo and appearing like a mad woman darting down the freeway. I arrived on site (but not on time) to a warm hug and greeting from our local MS celebrity, Trevis Gleason, over at Every Day Health...it's OK...I've "outted" him before and I think he's used to my shenanigans. :-)

Trevis is one of MANY old friends, who I tend to see only once a year at the Bike MS event (probably because he usually sees ME first and runs to hide!)...the event becomes something of an OLD HOME week (or homecoming week, for those of you not in the know about southern colloquialisms) as I catch up with the news and the lives of several people, all bound together by those two initials: MS.

The Bike MS Ride can be a bit of a downer for me sometimes. Mostly because there are SOOO many people there WITH MS, the disease gets thrown up in my face like a drunken date (wait...I think I was the one who used to throw up on my dates?). Everywhere I look, there's MS. Everything ABOUT the event is MS. Everyone is focused on "riding for a cure" and "fundraising", neither of which I can honestly say (in my humble opinion, of course) will ever happen in my lifetime OR be enough money to assist.

The majority of the riders are those *healthy* people...you know...the one's WITHOUT MS. There are always a percentage of MSer's riding, too...those that are functioning well enough to pedal. There are two-wheeled bikes, tandem bikes, unicycles, three-wheeled bikes, and a sea of riders all out riding for their own, individual reasons. They leave before Dawn's Crack (or shortly after she shows it), heading out to PROVE something, if only for themselves. And eventually, they all trickle back in to base camp...exhausted and physically spent...some barely able to walk (or sit!) once they dismount their wheels.

This is when the tent becomes a handy gathering place...each team is assigned one (tent, that is), and each team carries on their OWN festivities for the remaining hours or minutes of sunlight left in the day. Each team talks about their fundraising, their awards received (for best jerseys, best team spirit, etc.), and everyone catches up with each other...those people who only see each other once a year for this event.

There is an evening "Rah Rah MS" program also, where Trevis is generally a guest speaker (and you DO still owe me two beers, my man, for NOT doing the *sign* during your speech!). Teams gather in a huge crowd and our disease's favorite cheerleader and spokesperson talks about how we have to end the devastation of Multiple Sclerosis NOW (I have to admit, the man CAN give an inspiring speech that usually brings a tear or two to my eyes!). The crowd is filled with energy, even though the majority of the participants are beyond exhaustion from their ride. THEY are there for us...THEY are there for me...THEY are there because it is something THEY can do, if only for a weekend. THEY are there pedaling and riding because it is the one thing THEY CAN do, because THEY either know someone who's life has been affected by MS or they are carrying the disease with them in their own bodies/hearts...those two, simple letters: MS.

I have to admit something to you now...there is nothing more humbling or more INSPIRING than to see 60 - 80 cyclists wearing MY NAME (no, not BrainCheese...the name my mother gave me!) on the back of their riding jersey. That's right. The CHEESE somehow finds her name in the jersey design each year, along with the names of 10 - 20 other MSer's the team rides for (although, now that I've relieved myself of the "tent czar" title, Dr. SWWNBN probably will no longer remember how to SPELL my name in year's to come. LOL). THEY ride for me...THEY ride symbolically for you...wherever YOU are, living with MS.

I returned home late in the evening last night, still singing loudly in my car to Gloria Gayner's "I Will Survive" (but hopefully after dark, looking less like a lunatic), and wearing the fabulous T-shirt I received from the firemen on the team...long story, but maybe one I'll get around to sharing later...suffice it to say, I SLEPT in that T-shirt because I didn't want to take it off!

I crawled into the comfort of my own bed last night as the tears made damp spots on my pillow...but they were the tears of a peaceful kind. They were tears I don't often shed because I have little reason to feel them most of the time or, more often, I make little time to ALLOW them. They were tears of inspiration and *hope* (dare I use that word?). They were tears that wash the soul, leaving only the purest of shine on the heart. MS has brought many things into my life, much of which, I would gladly give BACK to the disease to keep. But, I would never, ever trade the feeling of inspiration I get being in the company of MS on this particular weekend.

THANK YOU to all who ride, wherever you ride, in the name of MS...you are my hope and inspiration...

Andy Warhol's Got Nothing On Me...

2009-09-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

And neither does President Obama! Introducing the "Yes We Can":

OK, perhaps I've had a little too much free time this evening...I admit it. In between doing my mountain O' dishes and laundry, I was trying to come up with some kind of catchy title and pix for a blog post! It was either altering the Andy Warhol Campbell's Soup can painting, or trying to find some kind of picture demonstrating the word "commitment" that would be funny, yet not tasteless to the population of people I serve in my job...AKA, the psychiatrically committed. I settled on mocking Andy. although he'd probably FIT in the latter category as well. :-)

Well..."Woot?!?" you say. "What is all of this energetic *yes we can* and *commitment* got to do with anything? As a matter of fact, when has the CHEESE ever been energetic or committed (not commitable, COMMITTED) about anything?" Oh, and also, "Do we really care?"

I suppose the answers for the mass collective (all two of you who read this drivel) to the above questions would be in this sequence: Nothing, never, and no. Whatever...you're gonna hear about it anyway. Because I'm just like that...annoying to the core!

I JUST COMMITTED TO WALKING THE SEATTLE HALF MARATHON WALK THIS YEAR.

Oh, sure...NOW I've got your attention. NOW your questions are along the lines of, "But how is the CHEESE and her fat arse that follows her going to possibly WALK 13.1 miles without stimulating a coronary?" Simple...I've got a plan. But first (**as always, que the background music and prepare yourselves for drooling boredom**), I should provide you with a little background information.

Long, long ago in the land of BrainCheeseville, I used to be athletic. Oh, SHUDDUP already! I was. I *used* to play competitive basketball on a college woman's team as well as softball...and I *used* to run/jog several times a week. Then, life took over, a career ensued, relationships fell into chaos...and I started drinking like a sailor, only I didn't have a boat...or maybe the drinking came along and the other things fell into place. I really can't recall...I was drunk. :-)

In 2001, I convinced myself and a naive friend it was time to "get back in shape" and, what better goal than to walk the Seattle Half Marathon walk? Well, oddly my friend fell for my grandiose notion and we began training for the event. And then we walked it again in 2002, and again in 2003 (I have the finisher medals to prove it, dayumit!).

I doubt YOU will recall (but I remember it as though it were yesterday...or at least a horrible PTSD flashback), but I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis on TAX DAY 2003. Life changed that year around me and in me, but I tried to ignore the information as best I could. I was determined to *carry on* just as I had prediagnosis...blindly and ignorantly. And I proceeded to walk the Half Marathon Walk that year as well...of course, without proper training and without paying homage to the MS gods. I also proceeded to become sicker than I had been in many years...AKA, severe MS relapse...which lasted many weeks.

My neurologist at the time advised me not to *take on* such an endeavor again...it was too stressing for my body...I had to learn to accept my limitations...yadda, yadda, yadda. I switched neurologists to Dr. SWWNBN, who also said the similar advice. Although, I think Dr. SWWNBN basically said I was fat, old, and had MS...the makings of a perfect storm (she didn't REALLY say that, but that IS what I heard).

For the past 6 years, I have been resting on my haunches...waiting...mumbling to myself...wondering if I would EVER feel "better than this" again. This past year and summer, I ceased waiting. I made a conscious decision to MOVE from my place of inertia, finally (it only took me 6 years...give me a break!) understanding it was the WAITING that might kill me...not the movement. It was the waiting in my mind (for the other shoe to drop, etc.) that was slowly corroding away my joy.

After completing my 100 mile summer walk, I decided I needed a new goal to focus on...the Seattle Half Marathon Walk popped in my head. Why not? Why couldn't I? Why yes, I think I can! Hence, the *Yes We Can* up above in the picture...took me long enough to get to that, huh? LOL

Now, I'm certainly not saying EVERYONE should sign up for a 1/2 marathon walk near you...and I'm not even coming close to saying ANYONE should live their life following the blueprint I am using. ALL I'm saying is (or my infamous line, "I'm just sayin"), Life has an unusual learning curve while THROWING curves at us. It has taken me 6 long and painful years to reach a place where I can see life and my identity is NOT Multiple Sclerosis. It is a part of me, but it is something that is becoming a smaller and smaller part...because I've finally chosen to see around it and through it.

"Oh, sure," you say. "It's easy to talk all big pants about MS when you feel GOOD, now isn't it?"

And I answer, "Well, HELL yes it is!"

But I feel *good* right now because I had to choose it. And I'm fairly certain I would feel *good* these days even if I were flat on my back in a world-spinning, pain-inducing, leg-dragging, fatigue-splitting RELAPSE (but I would PREFER not to test that theory at the moment either). I wouldn't feel WELL, but I could still feel *good* about how I am choosing to focus my life and direction these days.

I've got 3 (long) months to train for my goal in November...but mentally, I've been training for this event all of my life. I've pulled a few mental muscles along the way and I've even abandoned my mind's workouts for weeks or months at a time. The important thing for me is to not focus on where I am at currently, but where I intend to BE and how I am going to get there.

Wish me luck...I've now officially committed. Or, at the very least, watch with amusement as I bumble along THIS new path!...

How Do We Know?

2009-09-01T00:58:00.000-07:00

I've recently been tossling with a strange dilemma...but the full ramifications of my conflict will require a bit of back ground information first. Stay with me here...I'm gonna need your expert input (or humorous responses anyway).

OK, so all y'all know I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis over 6 years ago...duh. That's all I seem to talk about on this blog, aside from the random fart joke thrown in here or there! And y'all know I remain employed in a full time, top secret government job (janitorial really, but I'm still not allowed to discuss it lest I be water-boarded for disobedience). In my full-time, top secret "govmet" job, I am ENTITLED to (I prefer the word *entitled*...seems so very righteous) 16 weeks of Federally sanctioned Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) time. Well, actually FMLA ENTITLES me to 12 weeks of time away from work in a rolling calendar year...my govmet employer tacks on another 4 weeks for good measure.

Anywhozit...each year, my neurologist, Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named, fills out a formal paper called a "Medical Certificate of Need", which pretty much guarantees my employee right to miss 16 weeks of work BEFORE my govmet employer can legally replace me with a potty-trained chimp and sever my status as THE potty-trained chimp full time. But what my employer/FMLA also requires me to do is fill out a sick leave form for every freakin' fraction of a minute I might be absent from work due to illness (so it can be held against my 16 week allotment of time, should the *other* plan to fire me for bad behavior fall through).

On this sick leave form, I have several choices I can check as to WHY I am needing to use up my employer provided sick leave...my choices range from something as simple as a medical appointment (and oddly, they will NOT allow me to claim getting my nails done as a "medical necessity"...sticklers for rules) to personal illness to the almighty check box for "serious medical condition", AKA, FMLA, AKA, Multiple Sclerosis. Until this past year, I was never aware I HAD a choice which box to check: I was under the assumption I MUST check the "serious medical condition" box for each and every second of sick leave I begged off my employer.

So, a few months ago, I learned a dirty, little secret...I was neither required nor expected to check that "serious medical condition" box UNLESS my reason for illness absence was directly related to my MS! Who KNEW?!? I had been checking that box for 6, long, excruciating years for every sniffle or sneeze of time I missed at work!

Now, granted I have never missed anywhere near 16 weeks of work in any calendar year...but when I discovered this tidbit of information, I felt liberated. Suddenly I no longer had to count every bout of diarrhea or every head cold with fever day I missed and blame it on MS...if it wasn't the fault of MS, it wouldn't count against my 16 weeks...it would just be viewed as *normal* illness...whatever the heck that is/was.

OK, I'm getting to my strange dilemma here...hang on.

This past Friday, I awoke feeling dizzy and nauseated (which I thought would pass in time for me to grace the doors of my employer with my bright, cheerful self at work...LOL) and ended up having to call in sick for the day out of fear of hurling on one of my coworkers or clients. The mystery illness passed as suddenly as it came on and I was able to make it into work on Saturday. So, when I went to fill out my sick leave request, I found myself hovering over the "serious medical condition" box and the "personal illness" box...I couldn't decide. Which WAS it? Had I just come down with a common stomach virus or was it the MS rearing its ugly head and taunting me again? How did I know? How could I tell?

Most normal people would have just checked a stupid box or flipped a coin, or consulted their Magic 8 Ball for an answer...the key word in that previous sentence is "normal". I, on the other hand, ruminated on the appropriate definitions and terms of "serious medical condition" and "personal illness" for quite some time...as a matter of fact, I'm STILL ruminating!

The idea brings up lot's of uneasy questions for me...and the main one is, how do we know when symptoms are directly related to or caused by MS? Who gets to decide this? Our doctors? Our spiritual guru's? Our inner child? What are the criteria we use to judge physical changes in our bodies and what makes one symptom MS-related and another not?

My dearly beloved Always Really Nice Practitioner (ARNP) of neurology once told me, "BrainCheese, not everything is because of MS" as she tried to explain to me the dizziness I was experiencing earlier this year was most likely due to an inner ear disorder...maybe. And I am a firm believer EVERYONE with MS gets "normal" illnesses, too (like the Swine Flu, Ebola, etc...LOL) just like relatively healthy people. Sometimes it can take me a while to really understand a particular symptom has nothing to do with MS and I need to address it from a non-neurological approach. And still other times, it can take me a while to really understand and accept, yes...this IS MS.

So, my question to YOU, my preciouses, is this...how do YOU decide for yourselves what feels like MS and what does not? Which box do YOU metaphorically check (because I know no one else in the entire world is required to fill out such a bizarre form in their workplace!) when feeling ill? I need your thoughts here...how do we know?

And while you're at it, what the heck IS it all about, Alfy?!?!....

Contributing Writer...

2009-08-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

I received an email from a *reader* (said with tongue in cheek because the notion of ANYONE repetitively coming here to "read" is Hi Larry Us!) a while back requesting to submit a contributing piece here on CHEESE. Well, seeing how I am barely a contributing writer myself these days, I said, "Golly, SURE!".

The following article was written by Emily Thomas and I have agreed to post it. As always (and just like in comments), I may not always AGREE with everything someone says, but the fact they are willing to SAY it has merit at the CHEESE headquarters. So, here you go...please welcome guest writer, Emily:

6 Tips on Staying Positive When You’re Ill

Whether you have a treatable illness or something much more serious, staying positive through your treatments and not letting the possibilities of your condition get you down can be a hard task for even the greatest of optimists. Yet, studies have shown time and time again that maintaining a positive outlook and taking care of your mental health is an essential part to your overall health and future outlook. Here are some tips that can help you look on the bright side even when you’re feeling more like a Debbie downer.

1. Put things in perspective. So you feel bad and you’re sick. But more than likely, things could be worse. If you’re doing well, improving or have a long life ahead of you, your situation isn’t really all that bad. Try to look at it from an optimistic perspective rather than just feeling bad for yourself.

2. Think about what you do have. You might be ill, but there are probably a lot of other blessings in your life. Friends, family and loved ones can be a great source of support while you’re dealing with your illness and can help to remind you of all the great things you do have, even if your health is suffering.

3. Celebrate your successes. Even small improvements in your health can be a big deal. Celebrate your good days, progress you’re making and new treatments that are working. Focusing on the positives of your illness can make it easier to deal with and keep you hopeful and happy.

4. Your brain isn’t your body. Your body may be sick, but your mind doesn’t have to follow suit. Your brain is the one in charge so make the conscious decision to take charge and not let worries, “why me’s” and depression take over your thoughts.

5. Take care of yourself. This doesn’t mean just caring for your illness it means caring for who you are as well. As much as you can, make yourself look good and feel good. After all, often looking good on the outside is the first step to changing how you see yourself from the inside.

6. Find things to laugh about. Even in the worst of times there are things that can make you laugh and lift your spirits. Surround yourself with people and things that put a smile on your face and make feeling bad not even an option.

This post was contributed by Emily Thomas, who writes about the associate degree. She welcomes your feedback at Emily.Thomas31@ yahoo.com

Dayum, I'm Good!!!

2009-08-27T22:45:00.000-07:00

Even if I DO have to say so myself...which is about the ONLY time such an accolade is ever bestowed upon me. Sigh...

Drum roll please...

I did it. I completed 100 miles of walking this summer. And I did it in 51 days! That's right...I spit in your face, Multiple Sclerosis! I managed to rack up 100 miles of urban trekking just to spite you MS...Moohahaha.

It's good to have goals. Sometimes, my biggest *goal* I set for myself is to simply get out of bed. Other days, I get a hair up my arse and decide I'll walk 100 miles...just depends on my mood I suppose. :-)

Seriously though...I have been feeling FABULOUS these past two months. Dietary changes, exercise/activity changes, and mental conditioning changes have all seemed to align the planets in my favor. I have almost forgotten less than 6 months ago, I couldn't even walk 3 blocks without being sorely fatigued...let alone 2+ miles a day...and I really DON'T want to be reminded of that, i.e., MS relapse.

Admittedly, I recognize that tomorrow morning I could awaken and be unable to walk to my bathroom...that's just how this disease plays itself. I'm really NOT in denial of my past, my diagnosis, or my future...I'm just choosing not to DWELL on it or in it. And this mental change seems to be working for me right now.

Occasionally I read MS blogs that make me want to stick a dagger through my computer screen (and I won't mention any specifics here...ehem). It's not often, but once in a while I run across an MSer who espouses this diet or that pill or this exercise or that supplement or a new snake oil as the end all/cure all for their MS...and, for EVERYONE else's MS, too. If only it were that easy, I imagine the disease wouldn't exist at ALL! But there just ISN'T one plan or shoe that fits all of us...what I choose to do today, most likely will not FIT for you and what YOU choose to be/do/live/take probably won't work for me. We may have the same diagnosis, but the disease works upon us individually...just like the treatments do.

I've had some emails/inquires requesting more information about exactly WHAT I am doing that has caused this huge detour in my physical/emotional health...I don't mind sharing what is currently working for me with all y'all. As a matter of fact, I'm quite eager and narcissistic enough to WANT to toot my own horn (or wear my own halo)! But please do not mistake my personal enthusiasm as YOUR truth...I've found something that is currently working for ME, not you. If there is something you can glean from what I am doing that will assist you, then know I will HAPPILY share the information. But I do not want anyone to magically believe my path should or could be YOUR path. This bottle of SNAKE oil is mine!! You'll have to find your own. LOL

So, enough about me...what's happening in YOUR world? What things/treatments/ideas/diets/etc. are YOU trying these days to manage your MS symptoms? What have you found that helps YOU to feel better or at least more in control of your current issues? Is there something you are doing that would be helpful to share with everyone dealing with this disease? Talk amongst yourselves and leave a comment...I'll gladly share the "Dayum, I'm Good" title with you!...

Y'all Make Me LOL Til I'm ROFLMAO...

2009-08-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

Recent emails and wall-to-wall comments on FaceButt (Facebook, for those not into *social circles* on the Net) have FORCED me to finally pick up my laptop (which has collected dust on my bedside stand from lack of use) and pound out a tidbit post on CHEESE...y'all have made me grab myself with laughter this past week (clarifying = I am grabbing myself in APPROPRIATE places, such as the belly) with your witty inquiries into my whereabouts...emails have either ranged between wishing I were dead or checking to see if I still am maintaining a pulse. Alas...for those of you praying to the gods of mortality I might have succumbed to an untimely death, I must report I am STILL ALIVE!!! Jen even tried contacting me on a Ouija board...desperate times call for (pun intended) desperate measures I suppose. LOL
I've been busy enjoying my life. **THUD**

I know. That is a highly profound statement. But pick your chin (or body) up off the floor and shake off the shock...I'm very much alive and I am well.

Many of you tried in vain for nearly 3 years to get me to SHUT MY PIE HOLE on this blog...and now that I've stepped away for a few weeks (OK, more like six), I can't believe ANY of you would imagine I had nothing left to say! Since when has having nothing meaningful to say kept me from typing out my senseless verbal diarrhea?!? And as far as not visiting YOUR blog...well, take comfort in the fact I have visited NO ONE'S blog in the past month and a half. I'VE BEEN BUSY ENJOYING MY LIFE.

So, here's the skinny on my typically boring, but time-consuming life:

Yes, I am still doing the Metabolism Miracle food plan...and I am pleased to report a whopping 21 pound weight loss. I wish I had a heavier number to report, but last week hit me with a bit of a set back. All I can figure out is, hormones at 45 are a BEAUCH on the metabolism! I actually GAINED 3 pounds over night on the weekend last week...and spent the following 6 days LOSING the little bastids again. Sigh. I'm hoping the recent draining of the uterus (i.e., menses, mother nature card, period, Aunt Flo...please insert your own wording for that monthly PAIN) will put me back on track and shift my metabolism into a fat and carb burning machine once again. I was rather enjoying the rapid weight change.

I've also continued onward with my goal of walking 100 miles this summer...I'm now only 9 miles away from a "hoot n hollarin" celebration! That's right...I've been walking SO much, I've nearly worn out a pair of sneakers. I'm not sure what my *celebration* will include when I complete this goal, but I'm thinking a chocolate bar is probably out of the question...would rather defeat the purpose of my slave-driving trek, no? I feel EXTREMELY fortunate to still feel the energy to put one foot in front of the other AND have the luxury of walking even with MS.

And speaking of Multiple Sclerosis (because this IS an MS blog and I am destined to mention the crappy disease at least once)......................hmmm............well............uhhhhhh...........I guess I have very little to say about THAT!! I've been doing so incredibly well physically (just to SPITE Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named), I've nearly forgotten I allegedly HAVE that diagnosis. Hehe...yeah, OK. I still have that spastic leg thangy in my calves...and I still get that saran wrap vision thangy in my left eye when I over heat...and I STILL get episodes of fatigue (what I commonly refer to as *dropsy*) at various times during my day. I'm just ignoring all of that. Or, better yet, I'm just learning/learned to live WITH it and around it. **insert loud knocking on wood sound**

I recently started seeing a massage therapist also, who obviously trained with our very own CIA in torture techniques. She's a Rolfer (google it) by training and she hurts me so badly I sometimes want to yelp. It is SOOOO dee vine! I think the little 5'3"-barely-bigger-around-than-my-right-thigh-woman could probably work the kinks out of a piece of variegated metal if she tried long enough. We've been doing a lot of neck and shoulder work, opening up specific muscles that have long laid dormant because of lack of exercise and bad posture...consequently, I have not had to use my TENS unit but a few nights this past month. Woohoo to paying for pain...it really DOES hurt good.

Yes, I have survived ALL of Mother Nature's brutal weather this summer, i.e., HEAT WAVES. And I really DID try to purchase a portable air conditioner (honest I did, Joyce!). Funny thing though...everyone ELSE in Seattle had the exact, same idea at the exact, same time! There was not a portable unit to be found on the left coast...so I suffered through it...stealing free air conditioning at work when I could and probably lingering way past my welcome at the local grocery store on several store runs. It has once again turned into the mild Seattle summer I am accustomed to...mid to lower 70's...and beautiful.

I have even finalized plans to take a small vacation in late September. I KNOW?!? Who KNEW I'd ever leave the state of Washington again?!? AND board an airplane?? Well, I plan to board an airplane anyway...I guess I'll find out if my name has been removed from that terrorist watch list or not. Ehem.

I've also got my Houston friend, Skeeter, returning to Seattle in September as well as the MS Bike ride to support...so much to do, so little time. I've stopped apologizing to friends (and Internet friends, too) for my disappearing act this summer...it is what it is. I really CAN'T apologize for being BUSY AND ENJOYING MY LIFE. That would be like apologizing for breathing, which I am NOT sorry I do regularly...most days.

And now, back to the regularly schedule program...I will resume being BUSY AND ENJOYING MY LIFE. I'll be back here on CHEESE eventually...even GOOD things can't shut me up THAT long... :-)

The Food Nazi...

2009-08-08T18:04:00.001-07:00

I have a friend, Coco, who I've referred to once or twice before in past posts...the other *loving* (ehem) moniker I have given to her in real life is, "The FOOD NAZI".

My friend (who shall now be known as "FN" for this particular post) is an all organic, grow-most-of-my-own-food, wouldn't say *McDonald's* if she had a mouthful of it, person who spends a lot of her time with her food. Tending her garden in the summer months can take up entire blocks of days, let alone PREPARING the fruits of her harvest. She only buys organic label and wouldn't eat/drink processed sugar unless it was slipped like a date rape drug in her glass jar of well water! She is the epitome of *natural*...no chemicals added, which I guess also makes HER organic meat! Although not vegetarian, she consumes mostly all fruits and vegetables in her daily regimen of food intake. I think she may even crap fruit baskets and trail mix...but we're not THAT close of friends for me to ask such a personal question. LOL (And I KNOW you are reading this, FN, so maybe you could enlighten me after all!)

In the past, I have sometimes become annoyed by her insistence of a *chemical-free* diet...after all, the CHEESE just kicked the Mountain Dew habit 6 weeks ago (speaking of nuclear toxic drinks...which I still secretly wish to have!). It takes a lot of time and focus to maintain such an intake plan...time I have sometimes wished we used on other things when we are together...like trashy movies, junk food, and wayward gossip.

But lately, I have found a new respect for FN and her dietary structure. Several of you have sent me emails lately wondering just what the CHEESE WAS subsisting on if there was no Mt. Dew pulsing freely through my veins? A few of you have inquired just what *fad* diet I was partaking in to have lost (now) 18 pounds in 6 weeks? Has this change in dietary needs affected my overall negative view of the world and dampened my sarcasm (that last question was obviously asked by someone who does not know me well!)?

Well, preciouses...I'm about to expose a food day in the life of the CHEESE over the past 6 weeks! Aren't you excited?!? Crack open that can of Mt. Dew (I even miss the SOUND Dew makes, which is not like any other soda pop...sigh) and get comfy. THIS is what the CHEESE has been doing for the past month and a half:

About 2 months ago and deep in the throws of what was becoming a seriously depressed mood, I made a conscious decision I HAD to change some things in my life...or the alternative was to lay down and die. That's how miserable I was feeling. I was catching EVERY bug that circled within a 100 mile radius of my immune system and I not only EMOTIONALLY felt like crap, but also physically. I made a decision to change many things in my emotional/mental world (like cutting out so many of the extracurricular tasks I had taken on at work and shutting out gossip from my life, etc.) and was desperate to spark some kind of change in my physical self. 6 years of an MS diagnosis, DMD's and experimental drugs, and somewhere around 35 (yes, that number IS correct) IV's of steroids took a major toll on my body, causing excessive weight gain with each infusion...weight that moved me well into the obese category and something I struggled in vain to shed.

Life sucked like the hose of a vacuum cleaner...for a lack of better, visual analogy. LOL I couldn't find clothes that fit (not that I've EVER enjoyed shopping for clothes, mind you), I was exhausted ALL of the time (and not "normal" MS fatigue either), and I was finding it harder and harder just to muster the energy to rise out of bed each day.

**Insert sound of a running vacuum cleaner nozzle here**

In my process to find SOMETHING that might fit my particular needs and make sense to my scientific mind (rather hoity toity to call my feeble, fart-humored mind *scientific*...really), I stumbled upon a book written by a dietitian from New Jersey (go Jersey girls! Said for YOU, Jen...ehem). The author's name is Diane Kress and the book is called, "The Metabolism Miracle". Much of what I read preliminarily about her book in press releases struck a chord in me as if she were TALKING to me. The *plan* is a 3-step plan of changing dietary habits, resting one's pancreas and liver for the first 8 weeks, then gradually moving into eating changes that become a lifetime habit...she even said in the press releases SHE, herself, suffered from what she has labeled, "Metabolism B".

You may find this amusing to learn, the CHEESE comes from a genetic cesspool of pudgy, overweight, diabetic, heart-diseased, cancer-ridden blobs (although I'm only referencing my DEAD relatives...which are nearly ALL of them!). CHEESE MOM was chronically hypoglycemic her entire life (too low blood sugar), but with a diastolic blood pressure (bottom, or second something number of the reading, *something over something*) that could rise into the low hundreds...she was not fat, per se, but had her own bizarre health anomalies (like aneurysms, which were only discovered after one KILLED her). And CHEESE DAD (who is often referred to as "EP" or...the man my mother slept with...too long a tale to complete in a blog, so leave it!) was an overweight, high blood pressured, coronary artery disease, diabetic old fart who ALWAYS seemed to have the shadow of the Grim Reaper lurking behind him.

As I said: A genetic cesspool.

So, as I sat around trying to shake off an insidious depressive state and still see my gnarly hobbit feet sticking out from under my frame, I got "The Metabolism Miracle" book and I read it...and dayum, if it didn't sound like me on every page (because, after all...the world IS all about me)! And...here's the kicker...it wasn't really my FAULT, but more my PROBLEM to deal with. I can't go into great detail here about the book's content, lest I find myself sitting in a court room settling a plagiarism lawsuit, but I suggest if you are interested in hearing more about Ms. Kress' plan, get the book from your local library or order one online...it's still only in hardback copy and about $22.00 to ship from Amazon dot com...and NO, I am NOT being paid to plug her book in this blog. As a matter of fact, if she knew someone with my reputation were plugging her book, she'd probably force feed me doughnuts until I exploded!

Anywhozit...what I CAN say in my own blog is exactly what I have been doing these past 6 weeks as I personalize the *plan* and follow the book's instructions. You might be shocked to learn I am NOT sitting around eating twigs and berries! Far from it actually.

The *plan*, as I like to call it (sounds sort of like a pyramid scheme or door to door Shakley sales...hmmm), consists of eating EVERY 5 HOURS WHETHER I AM HUNGRY OR NOT and taking in 5 grams of carbohydrates during my every five hour feedings. The goal for my first 8 weeks is to rest my over-functioning pancreas and liver and to only provide these organs enough blood glucose necessary to function. People with Metabolism B tend to crave carbohydrates, eat lot's of them causing blood sugars to rise and fall rapidly, then crave some more...folks with Met-B ALSO tend to be pre-diabetics or become diabetics, too, if dietary changes are not made. This is because of a vicious cycle that sets in as the pancreas OVER responds to the blood glucose levels, which cause too much insulin to be squirted out and circulating in the blood stream, which in turn RAPIDLY decreases the blood glucose level too quickly. In layman's terms: My metabolism has been like a hamster chasing air on a wheel...except the *wheel* has not provided me any EXERCISE and has only made me retain more fat than burn it!

"If the CHEESE is not eating twigs and berries, then what IS she eating?" you ask, scratching your heads and worrying about Mt. Dew withdrawal coma. Well, funny you should ask...I eat a LOT of CHEESE!!! (Hehe) And of course, several other items as well.

5 grams of carbohydrate is NOT a lot...carb content of some breads would mean I could only eat about a 1/4 to a 1/2 slice, which would make for a teeny, tiny finger sandwich. So, I have to shop diligently for LOW CARB items and sugar free items that don't taste like I've just licked the inside of a rusty tin can (and there ARE some great low carb/sugar free items out there...never thought I'd EVER put that line in print). The things I CAN'T eat right now are:

Fruits...ALL fruits...not even a berry here or there.

Corn, potatoes, peas, carrots, or beans.

Mountain Dew...I dew miss you, my friend!

Any high carbohydrate-containing food.

My day usually starts out with eggs or a product called *Egg Beaters* (not to be confused with *wife beaters*) scrambled with Canadian Bacon (because American Bacon just doesn't taste the same...good on ya, Canada!) and sauteed onion or other vegetables and cheese. I am supposed to eat 5 grams of carbs within an hour of waking, so I usually have a piece of Dakota Bread from Great Harvest Bread Co with some sugar-free strawberry jelly. My mid-morning snack will consist of a handful of nuts (because nuts are considered a FREE carb on the *plan*...woohoo!) and/or a piece of string cheese or other cheese. Lunch might be a lean hamburger crumpled over a bed of salad and veggies, or a 5 gram carb tortilla wrap filled with roasted chicken, deli meat, or tuna and lettuce/other veggies with about a tablespoon of Philadelphia cream cheese for flavor (and the cream cheeses COME flavored also). For dessert, I have a sugar-free jello cup. Mid day snack might be more cheese or peanut butter in celery or some other concoction of protein, such as smoked salmon. My evening meal will also contain a piece of Dakota Bread usually, sometimes several ounces of grilled steak or other meats, steamed or grilled vegetables and a side salad.

As you can see, I am now spending a LOT of my time focusing on the foods I buy and prepare for myself to eat! And I haven't even added in my hour long walk/2.5 mile hike I try to take daily just so my changing metabolism recognizes what is FAT and what is MUSCLE lurking inside my skin!! Oddly, I have NOT found myself to be a stark-raving, carb-craving lunatic as of yet...this is a good thing I believe. :-) And I have consistently awakened with more energy and less and less body pain each day. I jokingly now tell my friends (who are conscious enough to notice the CHEESE is shrinking slowly), "Yeah...now I'm only about 500 pounds away from being labeled MORBIDLY OBESE to just OBESE...WooHoo!" (Disclaimer: I do NOT weigh 500 pounds, thus making the statement a *joke*)

I have a very LONG way to go in making this plan/behavioral changes stick...I'm not so naive as to think 6 weeks of doing something will result in a lifetime change. But the key here for me is to recognize I AM making changes and I CAN feel better by putting some effort into it. Who knows? Maybe one day I will earn the coveted title of FOOD NAZI...Moohahaha. Better yet, I'd rather LOSE the title as the FAT CHICK with MS...

I JUST Have MS...

2009-08-07T23:39:00.000-07:00

Time sure flies by when you DON'T have MS!

OK...Yes, I am still diagnosed with the disease (although I am prone to debate over that one...what am I saying? I'm *prone* to debate ANYTHING!). But I have to say, the past two months relatively MS-symptom-free except for the chronic neurological annoyances, has been DEE VINE. I have had no pinpointed, new, cropping up neurological disturbances for several weeks now...leaving me often in a state of AMNESIA about Multiple Sclerosis most of the time during the past 8 - 10 weeks. Who KNEW there was life WITH MS?!?

This morning was the first in a long series of days where muscle spasms startled me awake. I've had this phenomenon before and usually it has been my belief the symptom is more related to my inability to hold a stable potassium level...but I have to say, the return of the calf muscles in a Charlie Horse spasm x 10 magnitude DID startled me awake...I had let my guard down after all. I wasn't expecting anything other than my typical *good feeling body* to be housing my brain today. That's just what happens when life is sailing smoothly...sort of like women who forget the pain of childbirth (which, I think they are LIARS! Hehe). Out of sight, out of mind.

So, when I awoke around 5:00AM with my feet pointing straight outward like a fat ballerina and my knees drawn up to my chest, it took me several minutes to figure out I had NOT been hog-tied in my sleep. The pain (I can only imagine) is much like that of cramping childbirth...only in my legs...Lamaze breathing is about the only thing one can do until they (me) gather their (me) wits about them(me). This morning's vise grip spasms were also accompanied by a heaviness in my chest and a pulse of 42! For those of you not in the *know* about a normal heart rate, it's usually somewhere between 60 - 80 beats a minute...42 is (dare I say?) just not acceptable for sustaining life in a prolonged manner.

I reached over to my bedside stand and grabbed my cell phone and my nurse's cap...I keep both handy at all times. LOL Pulse 42, heaviness in the chest, but not pain per se, muscle spasms bilaterally? Hmmm...perhaps I SHOULD have eaten that banana that was offered to me yesterday?!? After a brief "Oh Sh!+" panic, I diagnosed myself with probable very low potassium level and dragged my cramping legs out of bed to my medicine cabinet. If you've ever taken oral potassium, you'll already know the pills are like swallowing a small sausage sideways...they're HUGE. But, after gagging one down my gullet and laying back down for another hour, the symptoms slowly began to subside. It appears I am going to have to begin taking these horse pills again on a daily basis if I want to keep up my aerobic exercise plan and dietary regimen...minor inconvenience.

Which brings me to the title of this blog (albeit loosely)...I JUST Have MS.

I would never want to minimize ANYONE else' experience with Multiple Sclerosis as I know there are many, many people out there who's MS has cost them so much in their lives...from mobility to cognitive functions to daily excruciating pain to loss of bladder/bowel functions to...the list goes on and on and each neurological symptom takes it's toll on everyone differently. But, so far...but for the grace of God go I...MS has seemed to settle quietly in my life like a layer of dust on a book shelf. I am still working full time, still mobile, still able to add 2 + 2 (OK, that's an exaggeration...I've NEVER been able to add or subtract, but not because of MS!), and still enjoying a sometimes rare quality of life.

When I look at those around me less fortunate in their MS, I am very grateful for what the disease has NOT taken from me...and I knock on wood, spin around in a circle three times, and throw salt over my shoulder as a measure of good fortune every time I acknowledge this: I JUST have MS.

Very recently, I was engaged in a conversation with my now ill friend, R.S., and I was whining about catching yet ANOTHER cold virus in July. R.S. smiled at me saying, "It's all relative", then proceeded to tell me about a horrific fall he took off his roof the night before. He managed to walk away WITHOUT a head injury or broken bones, but was seriously scraped and bruised down his entire side...less than 3 weeks later, he is now diagnosed with a terrible illness and is in a battle for his life.

It's all relative and I JUST have MS.

I find those words above much harder to say when I have been in a *bad* way or relapse with my MS. I imagine that is because the fear of the unknown grips my by the neck and clouds my vision...MS is in my face at those times and distorts my perceptions of the continuum I travel upon. At those times, mumbling in humble fashion, "I have MS", is about all I can muster...THAT cold reality can feel overwhelming.

But, when I am feeling *well* (relatively speaking), I sometimes want to deny the disease in me and all it's possibilities...I want to shout from the top of Mount Rainier, "I JUST have MS!", and hike down with exuberant glee. Some days, I'm very thankful I JUST have MS...I am without fear and peaceful in those times...like now. Even waking with what felt like a probable heart attack in the making (I DO exaggerate!) was/is just a bump in my road and not a road block...no detour needed.

It is times like these I am remind of some powerful lyrics from a Carly Simon song: "That life is eternal, and love is immortal, and death is only a horizon"...too bad she couldn't have added, "and I JUST have MS". Seems somehow fitting at the moment for me. LOL

SOOOOO...(you KNEW it was coming)...I've decided it IS OK for me to blog about feeling healthy and well. I know, I know...many of you have been coming here to CHEESE faithfully to be inspired by my *pithy* (or is that *pissy*?) wit and extreme sport sarcasm. I promise you, somewhere deep and buried within my pollyannic projections right now, that edgy and often angst-filled person STILL exists...yes, the FART humor remains, too. But I realized recently I have been avoiding this blog because I've had nothing BAD to say about MS! I've had nothing to commiserate upon. No traumas, no personal tragedies...nada. Life is good at the moment (STOP setting up a betting poll on time/date of my demise and when I will fly my middle finger at life again!!).

If you can tolerate my happiness (huh, huh...I said penis!) for the time being, I'll try to post more often than I have been. I mean, surely there will be SOMETHING out there that occurs in my life worthy of posting? There MUST be a smidgen of bodily functions humor left unpublished in this world?!?

**Checking my fart joke file now**...

Lovin' Ya Bald...

2009-07-31T02:17:00.000-07:00

I had a friend a few year's back who had two pet rats. Why anyone living and breathing on the face of this earth would EVER want rats as pets is beyond my comprehension, but Phyllis LOVED her rats. She brought pictures of them in to work just like everyone else did of their human offspring and talked about her rats as if conversing about children.

One day, Phyllis came to work quite disturbed about her rodent friends. It seems one of the rats had taken to seriously grooming the other rat and was doing this grooming act with such vigor, she was making bald spots on the other rodent! And more importantly, the *groomed* rat didn't seem to mind...as a matter of fact, it appeared as if the balding rat ENCOURAGED the other rat's affections and seemed quite content with the process. Phyllis sought counsel with her local RAT GURU to try to determine if the grooming process was harming the becoming-hairless rat.

It seems this vigorous grooming technique (or so she was told) was actually quite harmless (albeit a disturbingly disgusting image if one allows themselves to picture a balding rat!) and was a display of affection in the rodent world. Phyllis decided the grooming rat was simply loving the other rat bald and announced this hypothesis one day amidst an explosion of laughter by her peers.

Phyllis became ill not long after her "lovin' ya bald" theory and, within only a matter of months, she died.

Since Phyllis' passing, I have on occasion told this rat story to others, paying homage to her humorous outlook on life...she was a dynamic character in her own right who "loved the world bald" in her interactions with those around her. I have even developed this saying into a phrase with another friend...instead of using the 3-word, "I love you", which can be somewhat intimidating and intense among friends, we say, "I'm lovin' you bald" to each other as a light-hearted way of conveying our affection for one another.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

SO, why all this talk about rodents and past friends and quirky affection? Well, the CHEESE just found out this week that another dear friend has been diagnosed with a very serious illness and thoughts of Phyllis have been swirling around in my head as well as ideas of mortality. It seems lately, every time I turn around, someone I feel close to is being hit with life-changing news that spins them around and alters their course. I've been experiencing my own grief over THEIR losses, which has caused me to examine so many things in my own life.

My latest friend to receive grave health news is also an incredible and dynamic person, who is loved by many. He is someone who has always been able to make me laugh, is a dedicated and persistent colleague, and someone who makes others want to be a better person just by his own example. And, he is now very ill...something I have never known him to be in his vibrant self.

I spoke to him very briefly tonight by phone, stumbling for words to express the turmoil, support, love, fear, and loss I feel for him...there were simply no words I could find to say all that I wanted to say in a time when words really mean very little anyway...a time when no action or words are enough to relieve the sense of helplessness I feel...a time when even saying those three words, "I love you", somehow seem embarrassing or trite. I feel a sense of guilt and remorse over not knowing if I have truly conveyed my affection for my friend before now? I worry I have not taken the times or the opportunities BEFORE this crisis to plant these seeds of love so that he would already KNOW it exists without my having to say so.

I know my friend sometimes reads this blog. I am hoping when he feels a bit better, he might return here and read this post. But there is really only ONE thing I truly wish to convey if he does:

I'm lovin' you bald, R.S.

Nuff said...

Healthy Living Sure Takes A Lot Of Time And Energy...

2009-07-25T22:37:00.001-07:00

Absent from the Blogosphere...that is because this healthy living phase I am going through is sucking up my every waking moment!

That's right...if I'm not SHOPPING for healthy foods on my "Metabolism Miracle" plan, or PREPARING nutritious meals to dine on, or trying to give myself a cardiac arrest from walking 2.6 miles a day (and the last 1/2 mile is like scaling a building on the outside...straight up hills), or sucking down a gallon of water...well...I am SLEEPING! Yes, this healthy living is plain wearing me out. Who knew?!?

My walk takes me about an hour a day...preparing meals to take to work takes another 1/2 to an hour...and the fact I am actually SLEEPING now more than 5 hours a night just is cutting into my blogging/blog reading time. I never knew this was how "healthy" people lived...it's a me, me, me focus 24/7.

OK, I'm really NOT complaining here...I have now lost a grand total of 15 pounds (only need to drop the weight of a small Orca whale yet to go and I will be soooo svelte! Look out Shamu...you're not the only one trying to escape SeaWorld...) and I have more energy than I've felt for at least 6 years (that would be the entire time I'm been diagnosed with MS...if I really HAVE such a disease...hehe). I am very cautious of jinxing myself but...I think I feel somewhat "normal". Maybe *balanced* is a better word (although, I am ONLY speaking physically here...I remain a loose wing nut on the mental realm).

My bout of vertigo HAS seemed to resolve itself (thank you, Baby Jesus!) after religiously doing Epley Maneuvers every night before bed, causing waves of dizziness/nausea...I guess part of overcoming Benign Proxysmal Postural Vertigo is making yourself so incredibly ill from the treatment/exercises, when one finally does get up right again, the remaining dizziness feels like a cake walk! But the hidden *neener* point of this episode is, there is NO indication the vertigo has been caused by MS (so neener THAT, you stoopid disease!). It has resolved without any need for ongoing MS treatment drama. **Insert big round of applause**

My 45th birthday came and went without added drama, too...although there were gifts and a little party at my work place (thank you again, T-ster), the day and rolling that 4 to a 5 was uneventful.

There are soooo many other topics I *could* address here, but it is time for me to hit the hay again. No worries though...I WILL return soon to share my thoughts about the fine art of IRONING SHEETS and other hot topics! And speaking of *hot*...we ARE having what is predicted to be a record heat wave in the ol' Emerald City. It is suppose to go above 90 next week for a few days in a row. No. I haven't bought myself a portable AC. Leave it. I'm hoping the heat will melt off a few more pounds (diabolical plan, I know).

TTFN...

As The World Turns...

2009-07-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

I WISH I were merely referencing that CBS daytime soap opera...but alas...I am not. I'm talking about MY world as it appeared to me this morning upon waking. I became consciously aware of a sense of dread in my body when I rolled over benignly to check the clock this a.m. and was suddenly overcome by waves of dizziness and nausea.

Yes, it appears my "whatever" has returned. That dizziness/vertigo-ish feeling I experienced in February, causing me to fall and conk my noggin (you'll have to search previous February posts if you're that enthralled in my life's drama's...too funky feeling to do it myself at the moment).

The jury remains in deliberation whether this sensation is in direct correlation to my cerebellum lesion OR if this is some weird situation in my inner ear (can you say vestibular neuritis or Benign Paroxysmal Postural Vertigo, aka, Inner Ear eff up, children?)...either cause or case, it sucks to be me big time right now. And the treatment is essentially the same...WAIT AND SEE.

I did start doing the ol' Epley Maneuvers this evening (exercises to move the possible calcium crystals in my inner ear around...if that is the cause...BPPV), which TRIGGERS the dayumed dizziness something fierce. But, if that is the problem, these exercises are the only REAL treatment for BPPV. And, if inner ear disorder ISN'T the cause, well...let's just say I'm putting myself through some highly unnecessary HELL in the meantime! Figured it is worth trying/ruling out before I go running to Dr. SWWNBN or my Always Really Nice Practitioner (ARNP) and screaming "uncle!"...or, more like it, "screw this freakin' MS!"

The worst part of this dizziness/vertigo-esk situation occurring right now is, it is interfering with my exercise plan...it is difficult to walk too far without veering to the left constantly. Makes the neighbors eyebrows raise if I am falling into their rose bushes. LOL AND, Seattle is expected to reach temperatures in the upper 80's and low 90's this week...never good weather to have a constant sensation of wanting to hurl one's cookies due to dizziness. Of course, when IS good weather for nausea?!?

The other sad part of having this dizziness is, I'm too unfocused to even WATCH the CBS soap opera that the title of this blog is named after...it even takes all the fun out of lying about, eating bonbons all day, and watching bad daytime TV drama (which are NOT on my current intake plan - bonbons - said for anyone else curious about the "Metabolism Miracle" diet!!!)...

All Right, Already!...

2009-07-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

Geez and for gawd's sake...you'd think there were actually people READING this blog based on the emails and comments I've received lately, mostly wondering WHY I've not posted anything for over a week! And no, the picture up there is NOT a sign...I have NOT joined a convent (otherwise known as a "nunnery" to me...hehe) in my absence. I just put the *sista* up there for protection...mine or yours...who knows?

So, where HAVE I been? Let's see...

This past week, I've been on my 6 day furlough from work and thoroughly enjoying and squeezing every last ounce of time and energy out of it. I started my "Metabolism Miracle" intake plan and I am pleased to report, I have neither cheated nor caved on the program. AND, I've lost a whopping 9 pounds to boot. I know, I know...for some of you, that's just chump change. But when you've juiced up with steroids for Multiple Sclerosis as much as I have in the past few years (gaining weight with each, treacherous infusion), nine pounds feels like I've just birthed a small infant! Well, in actuality, that would be a rather LARGE infant to squirt out, but you know what I mean. LOL It's not been all that *arm-chewing* difficult either, which is most surprising and completely welcomed. I have to eat 5 grams of carbohydrates (yes, HAVE to) every 5 hours, supplemented with high protein foods. This is the first intake plan I have ever tried that FORCES me to eat a minimum of every 5 hours...what's not to like about THAT?!?

And along with my dietary changes (no, SPAZ ATTACK, I have not had ANY Mt. Dew for now almost 3 weeks...funeral services were held where I cremated the remains of my last cans), I have also begun a somewhat vigorous exercise program. I use the word *vigorous* because ANY exercise beyond walking from the refrigerator to the couch seemed strenuous to begin with. I am now up to walking 2.6 miles a day, taking a day off here or there to rest my bones. Since last Tuesday, I have now trekked 23 miles...I KNOW?!? Who knew a fat a$$ like myself could go that far??? AND, the route I have been taking includes hills...mother of god, what the heck is happening to me???

I have also been maintaining my moratorium on *gossip*...tis so freeing. I have no idea what is going on in my work place or with the people I work with. And, the great news is...I DON'T CARE. This seems to have also supported my mood elevation...when I have no idea WHAT the trials and tribulations are among my colleagues, I'm free to maintain my "no gossip" work zone...which does seem to free up a tremendous amount of energy (previously wasted on beauching!).

Now here's the real kick in the shorts...I have finally moved into this century and upgraded my cell phone service to one of the devil's toys...an iPhone. Yes...sigh...this coming from a person who SWORE 12 years ago she would NEVER, EVER, NOT-ON-YOUR-LIFE even own a computer!! A great deal of my time has been spent trying to just figure out how to turn the derned thing on let alone *text* people (is the word "text" really a verb?)...I am amazed by this technology. And to think I can still remember when VCR's first came out (probably while I was listening to my 8-track tapes at the time...ehem). If I could just figure out how to get this silly phone to do my dishes and vacuum my carpets, I'd be singing Apple's praises...until they get these phones to do chores, I'm holding off on the praise portion. :-)

Yesterday, the temps reached 90 degrees. I'll just leave it at that, lest I receive even MORE emails inquiring if I have EVER purchased a portable air conditioner (Harkoo...I bet you have some thoughts on this!). Walking my route produced enough sweat to water a small garden...but, I DID it anyway. Oh, and it was NOT fun. :-(

There have been a few funny tales/encounters along the way, but I'll be dayumed if I can recall what they were/are. All this exercise and healthy eating has dulled my usual sarcastic self. No worries...it's not GONE completely. I'm sure I'll be back to my old, cranky nasty ways soon...once I get past this 45th birthday approaching next week.

Ah yes, the CHEESE continues to age...kind of in a stinky-bleu-cheese sort of way unfortunately...

Clawing My Way Out...

2009-07-10T00:35:00.000-07:00

Well, not much to say about my good friend, Multiple Sclerosis...MS seems to have taken a brief vacation from my life and I've been walking around doing the "Who me?" whenever MS is mentioned. I'm also not SO dumb as to not knock on wood, count my blessings, and throw a pinch of salt over my left shoulder for good measure! But for whatever reason, I seem to be in a reprieve from MS symptoms at the moment. My shoulder pain has even lessened to a tolerable degree (**kissing my TENS unit now**)...no complaints here on the MS front.

After yet another bout of infectious disease that started last week as a cold and ended as...well...a cold, even my head is *de-congesting* quite nicely. I've had the past 4 days off from work, so I imagine the decrease in stress and increase in rest has helped to debug my system also. Now, if I could just learn to stop licking every emergency room floor on which I travel in my job, I bet these flu/cold bugs would have a harder time infecting!

Even my mood has begun to lift. I KNOW!?! Whoda thunk it??? After thrashing about in a state of depressed mood, I have begun to feel an increase in energy and well-being. Once I discovered (admitted actually...ahem) I was sinking into the muck and mire of a fit of *blue*, I decided I needed to take the bull by the horns (or the CHEESE by the chunk) and DO something to help elevate my mood. I started exercising, resting/napping more, cut out gossip from my life, and began delving into a new book called, "The Metabolism Miracle"...it's a book (yet another) about diet and alternate metabolism, which seemed to strike a cord with me (or, hit me over the head with a hammer). I've begun making adjustments to my intake in preparation for starting Step One of the plan and I'm already beginning to FEEL physically improved. I cut out Mt. Dew from my diet about 1 1/2 weeks ago...a main STAPLE...and, after complete withdrawal, I think I'm beginning to see the plan unfolding for a healthier intake.

There has also been the ongoing drama of refinancing the hut...I'll just leave that statement as is...but suffice it to say, MONEY is a pain in the butt as are most financial institutions! With interest rates so low, a decision was made to jump back into the mortgage mania one, last time...I'll be glad when this process is over and I can happily settle back into owing a financial institution my left kidney while pretending to own a piece of property that the BANK really owns.

I finally finished the mounds of laundry that have accumulated while I've been convalescing my cold...there's nothing finer than IRONED SHEETS to crawl into. Well, maybe clean underwear ranks a pretty close second. :-)

It's back to work I go tomorrow...I've been resting and actually enjoying the down time of the last 4 days so much, I almost forgot I am employed...almost. I'll step back into the *grind* tomorrow, but hopefully with a renewed sense of vigor and a head cleared of virus...the best way to approach a five day work week.

My nails appear a bit dirty from clawing my way out of this hole I've been in, but I imagine a good, psychological manicure will fix that just fine...who knows, I may even get back into reading all y'alls blogs soon. Scary thought, isn't it?!?...

Summer + Cold = Oxymoron...

2009-07-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

I have developed a summer cold...runny nose, congestion, headache, cough, sore throat (no, I DON'T have allergies...thank you for asking!).

Isn't that an oxymoron? **Summer cold** Or am I just a MORON for catching it?...

The Strange Case Of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde...Subtitled: When Good People Go Bad...

2009-06-30T01:12:00.000-07:00

I imagine we're all familiar with the novella, "The Strange Case Of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde". But, just in case one among us is NOT, let me refresh your grasp of late 1800's literature.

The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde was first published in 1886...or so Wikipedia says...my unvalidated source for all online research. Ehem. Wikipedia goes on to say: "This story represents a concept in Western culture, that of the inner conflict of humanity's sense of good and evil. The novella has been interpreted as an examination of the duality of human nature (that good and evil exists in all) and that the failure to accept this tension (to accept the evil or shadow side) results in the evil being projected onto others. Paradoxically in this argument, evil is actually committed in an effort to extinguish the perceived evil that has been projected onto the innocent victims. In Freudian Theory the thoughts and desires banished to the unconscious mind motivate the behavior of the conscious mind. If someone banishes all evil to the unconscious mind in an attempt to be wholly and completely good, it can result in the development of a Mr. Hyde-type aspect to that person's character."

Yeah, yeah, Wikipedia...whatever. "The actual story line is about a good doctor who has covered up a life full of secret deeds (I'm STILL quoting Wiki here because I lack a better summary). He feels as if he is constantly battling within himself between what is good and what is evil, and is pushing away people dear to him. After drinking a potion of his own creation, Jekyll is transformed into the cruel, remorseless, evil Edward Hyde, representing the hidden side of Dr. Jekyll's nature brought to the fore. Dr. Jekyll has many friends and has a friendly personality, but as Mr. Hyde, he becomes mysterious, violent, and secretive and as time goes by, Mr. Hyde grows in power. After taking the potion repetitively, he no longer relies upon the potion to unleash his inner demon."

In 2009, I think the title of this novella would best be summed up as, "When Good People Go Bad"...just like that show in the 90's about good pets that go bad! Yes, sadly I've stolen THAT title, too. :-)

"But," you ask yourselves inquisitively because that's how you are. "Why is the CHEESE talking about good people going bad and where in the h - e double toothpicks is she going with THIS one?" I DO like the way y'all think. LOL

Well, my preciouses...the CHEESE is going to dance out on that far limb here (probably falling and breaking my neck) and discuss when good people go bad, because I've been encountering quite a bit of this phenomenon lately...not only with others, but also within myself. **GASP** I know...hard to believe, isn't it?!? Well, probably not that I'm going to TALK/WRITE about this topic, but more likely hard to believe I'd demonstrate any insight into my OWN behaviors (and the latter truth remains to be seen).

Here's the rub: We've ALL experienced others in our lives who we THOUGHT were one type of person or who's behaviors demonstrated themselves in a positive light, only to become sorely disillusioned by something negative we discover in them or uncover a malicious intent. Many of us have been in RELATIONSHIPS with these people, some even living with or marrying them...because the "Mr./Mrs. Hyde" was either not easily seen or we simply chose to overlook it, believing only the "Dr. Jekyll" could possibly be sleeping in our beds or sitting across from us at the breakfast table. Such are the blinders of love (and our faulty subconscious!). We see what our eyes (and hearts) CHOOSE to see...just like we project ourselves into the world as we "think" we should be seen. In 23 years of working in psychiatry, I have yet to meet a person who wakes up in the morning believing their own behaviors are WRONG or morally unjust...we choose to BE what we want to see also, often for the benefit of others or society...and we justify our own behaviors on this same scale.

Yet, inside each of us exists our own version of "Mr. Hyde"...some might refer to this as our *shadow* while others go so far as to call this our *dark or evil* side. That is, of course, if one believes in the duality of "good versus evil". Each of us spends a great deal of psychological time trying to *purdy up* our dark side(s) and make this part of ourselves more acceptable...we try to justify the behaviors of our shadow selves in many ways...either by projecting our internal negativity (I prefer this term, negativity, over the use of the word *evil*) onto others or simply overcompensating with extreme goodness in hopes of somehow stamping out or covering up our own negativity.

When good people go bad, there are many behaviors we employ in this process. Gossip, dominance, deliberate withholding, and verbal abuse are just a few of the more benign behaviors "good people gone bad" utilize in expressing their dark selves/shadow selves. Out and out physical violence or malicious intent to defame or steal from another are more of the extremes.

I've personally been encountering a great deal of gossip in my life about others and harmful words others have spoken about me...and, the travesty of my shadow self has also been ENGAGING in this negative behavior as well. When I engage in gossip, it is a primitive behavior and attempt to temporarily make myself feel better or to CONTROL a situation that feels out of my control...and ALWAYS at the expense of others. That's just how gossip works. If it didn't, there would be no impulse to engage in it...a temporary *fix* is sought as a means of finding temporary *relief* from something bothersome in my own psyche. It is also a means of attempting to rally false support for myself when I am feeling weakened by something else. In other words, I PROJECT MY OWN SENSE OF WEAKNESS/SHADOW SELF/LACK OF CONTROL ONTO THE LIFE OF SOMEONE ELSE WHEN I GOSSIP ABOUT THEM. I am in turn, attempting to expose what I deem as the gossip recipient's weakness as a means of hiding or denying my OWN weakness(s)...a "look how bad they are or what they did" attempt to distract from my OWN *badness* or shadow self.

Often times, when I feel weakness in myself or learn someone else is spreading gossip about me, I feel hurt and anger...which only perpetuates my sense of weakness. Rather than examining if what is being said behind my back might be TRUE or confronting my own sense of hurt/anger/weakness, I instead retaliate with carefully crafted COUNTER GOSSIP...after all, if someone is saying something hurtful about ME, isn't it fair game to return the favor?

Sadly, the answer to the above question is "no". The sense of temporary relief/expression of anger via gossip only serves to further perpetuate a vicious and unending cycle of hurtfulness...to myself and toward another...like a hamster on a winless exercise wheel, never going anywhere and always revolving back around to the same place.

I've been worn down recently by a few situations in my life (see previous post on admitting depressive symptoms!) and I'm tired. Like a boozing, over-eating, lazy athlete, I've been letting myself *go*...I haven't been taking the time or care necessary to maintain a healthy psyche because sinking is frankly less effort than breaking the water and surfacing. But just like obtaining a fit physical body, my emotional/mental body requires constant care and observation...lest I fall into negative habits that ruin my "game".

Today I'm going to start by identifying and embracing my "Mr. Hyde"...the little booger is there inside me and the only person I seem to be wasting energy *hyding* from is myself. Today, I'm going to practice acknowledging my shadow self, and then taking RESPONSIBILITY for it...I'm going to refrain from gossip or even LISTENING to someone else gossip. I'm going to pay attention to my shadow self and be mindful of what triggers this side of me to come alive...I'm not going to drink my own potion and transform into this other self. And owning my shadow's existence/Mr. Hyde is the first step in taming this inner negativity.

Not engaging in gossip sure may cut down on my fatigue factor...I wonder if I really have that much to SAY when I'm not focusing on others?!? Hmmm...life just became a quieter journey...LOL.

The Cold, Hard Truth...

2009-06-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

So...I announced to my Always Really Nice Practitioner (ARNP) this weekend that I thought I *might* be having symptoms of clinical depression, and she more or less announced BACK to me this has been obvious for quite some time to those around me. WTF?!? Why am I always the last to know or be let in on the secret? I said to her it sure would have been a nice gesture if *those around me* would have had the kahunas (brass ovaries or balls by definition) to SAY something...but then I remembered, I DO bite...so I can't really hold *those around me* responsible for not wanting to get their hand chewed off by a rabid dog such as myself when reaching out to pet it. Sigh.

I'm not really sure if there's a chicken or the egg theory as a cause for what has begun to feel like a dark period in my life (and no, not menstrual...psychological! Although peri-menopause hormones really have not HELPED the situation.)...I've certainly had a host of *unusual* stressors of late.

My work hours have become quite taxing and I am STILL dealing with that accommodation request which I can't mention to you (or I'd have to have you shot)...because I WORK for Big Brother and therefore, know BB watches over me...kind of like Baby Jesus, only not in a necessarily "loving" way. LOL

Then, there is this constant, nagging, gnawing, aching, annoying, irritating, agitating FREAKIN' PAIN I have been trying to manage in my body...this drains me, stealing my joy and bumming my voyage...like a constant pebble in my shoe (only poking me in my shoulder and back, but you're smart enough to make that jump in analogy, right?). When I try to describe the pain to others, words fail me...it's a deep nerve pain and, if you've never experienced it, consider yourself fortunate versus trying to assist me with adjectives to describe the continual hell in my spine.

I DID get the TENS unit...it's pulsating tiny, electrical shocks as I type, deep into the muscles of my back...it's rather like a S & M toy (sadism and masochism, for those of you not into deviant behaviors!). IT HURTS GOOD. Thank you again, Jane, for the suggestion! But unfortunately, I can't leave the little dominatrix box blasting on my shoulder/back ALL the time...it's just not recommended...and having electricity pulsating into my spine every 1.5 seconds offers it's OWN distraction in a somewhat negative way when trying to follow the conversations of a bouncing psychotic person at my work (that's referencing PATIENTS, not my coworkers...just for clarification). This little stimulus package (economic AND physiological) costs about $800, so the company is "letting" me borrow it for a month to see if I can't live without it before deciding if my insurance and I will cough up the fur ball of cash to buy it.

I seem to also be taking WAY too many medications for my liking in dealing with this discomfort...the meds leave me hung over in the mornings and with cotton mouth, like I've been on an alcohol bender for 24 hours...minus the blackout sex, throbbing headache, and lack of knowing where my car keys are (not that I have any IDEA what a *24 hour alcohol bender* is like...ehem). But if I don't take the medications, the trade off is feeling like I've been run over by a semi-truck in the morning...either option leaves much to be desired. And I personally think I'm a far more manageable addicted-Courtney-Love-type person in the mornings than I am a flattened-road-kill-nasty-smelling-in-pain-type person...I dunno...just my opinion.

My good friend, Skeeter, was also just here visiting in Seattle on the spur of the moment this past week...one DOES this type of unannounced/unplanned trip after receiving a diagnosis of aggressive breast cancer, three weeks post bilateral mastectomy. I now hang my head in shame for my "pink envy" I have so flagrantly discussed here on CHEESE (although, those breast cancer peeps DO still have all the good colors and fund raisers compared to the Multiple Sclerosis *Movement* peeps!)...thank GOODNESS there is so much focus on breast cancer...ten years ago, my dear friend would already have been pushing up daisies at this stage in her disease. We had a sweet, yet difficult/teary-eyed time together as we struggled to find words to balance the grief with the good times...her incisions look like something from a horrific Frankenstein movie with drains hanging out of both armpits...this was enough to sober me up and realize how FORTUNATE I am to JUST have MS. I am certain I would not be so full of grace as my friend if I were wearing her shoes...and she remarks how freeing it is to not have to wear a bra? I seriously need to quite beauching about the minor discomforts in my life...

And of course, my 45 birthday looms just around a sharp corner. I had an epiphany as to WHY forty five seems so freakin' OLD to me...it is because at around the age of 12, this is how old my MOTHER was...45. And I remember thinking how absolutely ANCIENT I thought she was at that age! I am now also interfacing with medical students and other professionals who are the same number of years OLD as I have been practicing nursing!!! 23 years...I seriously CAN say I have underwear as old as they are (something I like to announce when trying to put a green-behind-the-ears medical student in their place)...but if I do say that, I'm liable to have an investigation into the *WHY* I would be saving or wearing 23 year old underwear. I really can't win with this... :-)

I suppose the point I'm trying to make here (if I really have one at all) is, I honestly don't know if there is any one cause for my depressive symptoms...it just is. That's the cold, hard truth. From my sudden tearfulness to the extremes of insomnia, I have no clue where or how this *blue* fell over me...only that it is here and I must be responsible for recognizing it and doing what I can to mitigate the effect it has on my life.

I'm going to start by cranking up my TENS unit another notch...then maybe placing the electrodes on my forehead. If it were only that easy...sigh...

I'm Feeling Old...But I Haven't Always Been...

2009-06-28T03:26:00.000-07:00

Disappearance...

2009-06-24T00:43:00.000-07:00

I filled out a missing person's report...I'm trying to find myself. I'll let you know if I show up any time soon.

MS Dumb, Or Is It Just Me?...

2009-06-19T01:17:00.000-07:00

The BUBBIE always cheers me up...even when I'm sailing off the end of the earth.

Today she shared with me one of HER MS (or not? Jury is still out on her personal disease brand) Moments, which caused me to laugh heartily. It was silly and just one of those things only another person struggling with MS or memory issues/cognitive issues could appreciate.

And then, I remembered one of MY favorite MS Moments...something I could only share with y'all because YOU can laugh/relate.

I generally drive to work because of the strange hours I keep...but on occasion, if working the dreaded daylight hours, I do take a Metro bus into downtown (which is an entirely DIFFERENT experience and packed with its own stories due to the wonderful selection of *bus people* I encounter). One must remember: I am not fond of day time hours. I am not fond of waking to an alarm. I am not fond of bright sun when I rise out of the hut to stretch my bat wings.

Anywhozit...one such work morning, I was running late for my bus (as is typical when trying to ready myself for work with my eyes closed), so I was forced to jump in my trusty horse and buggy and drive to work. I completed my nearly 10 hour day and walked outside the building to head to my bus stop. It had been a particularly *stress-filled* day, so I wasn't exactly firing on all cylinders...not to mention, I had just worked a DAY SHIFT (ewwww...). I was running behind at the end of my day as well, so I made a mad, gimpy dash to my local bus stop just in time to hop inside a Metro before the doors closed and crimped my fat arse between the glass. I was happy the day was over and rode in don't-make-eye-contact peace the few miles to my home.

When I arrived home however, I was filled with a sudden panic: My car was missing from the driveway! I immediately assumed it had been stolen because this is where my mind goes. My mind doesn't say to me, "Hey you, knucklehead! Nobody would WANT your car because it's old lady wheels...where'd ya park it?" No, my mind says, "Oh freakin' CRAP! Somebody's done swiped your wheels!!!"

It took me several minutes before I remembered I had driven my horse and buggy to work...and left it there...but not before I had pre-dialed 911 on my cell phone and was just about to press send!

By the time I was able to catch another bus BACK downtown (because they cease running frequently after the commuters have returned home) and retrieve my vehicle, I was in hysterical laughter. It's times like these, all there is LEFT to do is cackle at one's self.

So, in my words to Bubbie:

Regular travel time from work to home = 15 minutes
Forgetting your car is parked at work = 1 hour by bus/return
Being a dumba$$ = PRICELESS

And, now that I've shown you MINE...show me YOURS? What's your favorite, personal MS Moment/DumbA$$ story??? The mic is open...

Falling Off The Face Of The Earth...

2009-06-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

It COULD happen...I've packed a bag just in case...

Hate Comes Home (ophobe)...

2009-06-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

Sigh. They're here...in my beautiful city. I'm talking about the Fred Phelps wackado protesters from Kansas. They are picketing black churches, Jewish establishments, and tomorrow the local high school in the "hood" where I live nearby (because they must think this particular school is FILLED with blacks, Jews, and gays/lesbians?!?). All seven of them...Fred's family, that is. I couldn't even post a link within Freaky Fred's name up there because I don't WANT him getting anymore coverage for his hate than he already gets...heck, I couldn't even post one of the infamous pictures of Fred's gang of seven with their hate-filled posters for this reason. So, I chose a group of MONKEYS instead! Fitting. Although, I think even the primates refrain from this type of animal behavior...my apologies to primates everywhere.

Would it be so WRONG to wish for one of the becoming-all-too-frequent drive by gang shootings to occur in my "hood" around the same time these freaks are protesting tomorrow in front of the High School? Yeah, I suppose that wouldn't be too "Christ-like or Godly" to wish violence on this group of ignorant wackados. It would be like shooting a cage full of monkeys...so sad...

"Whining: Just Anger Forced Through A Very Small Hole"...

2009-06-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have this blog title in a quaint, little picture frame on my desk at work...it's a subtle reminder for ME as well as anyone who even dares to THINK it might be OK to come to my cubicHELL and WHINE. About anything...but especially about their own aches and pains. And I, being the ever-conscientious-not-wanting-to-sound-like-air-escaping-from-the-tight-orifice-of-a-balloon, also try very hard NOT to whine about my particular brand of aches/pains called "Multiple Sclerosis". I imagine it is annoying to my coworkers and friends to always be hearing about my latest pinch, or ache, or tightness, or "hug", or...

But (and a very BIG *butt* at that), since this is MY blog, I DO take liberties here to annoy YOU with my not-so-conscientious-air-escaping-from-the-tight-orifice-of-a-balloon WHINING...because I can. And I will. It's cheaper than paying a therapist. LOL

I finally made some late night blog strikes in the wee hours of the morning, making my usual knock on some of my favorite MS blogger doors (and if I didn't leave you a comment on YOUR blog, it's because after catching up on 50 or so blog entries, NOTHING I have to say is either witty or entertaining...I spared you!). And, when I made my way to BlindBeard's blog, I not only discovered I had neglected to pick up my ever-so-bootiful SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS AWARD ("Aye, Aye Captain!"), but the ever-so-bootiful Blindbeard had written a touching post entitled, "Boogers, Bitches, and BlindBeard Blues"...it would have brought tears to my eyes, except I am incapable of feeling (oh, please...I jest...the post is Hi Larry Usly funny. But I AM incapable of feeling due to a hardening of the arteries surrounding my barely beating heart.).

Anywhozit, within BB's above mentioned post (yeah, I'm getting to it already), she talked about going to a Pain Clinic for an assessment because she was sick and tired of dealing with the annoying PAIN of MS. OK, so I'm loosely grasping at straws here (in an attempt to relate to the world around me and be less antisocial), but I realized I have neglected to update you, my preciouses, about my OWN pain! What a twist of fate it is that BlindBeard caused this connection and now YOU get to hear about MY pain issues (so, basically what I'm saying here is, BLAME BLINDBEARD, NOT ME FOR THIS WHINY-A$$ED POST!).

If you've somehow forgotten what a pain in the a$$ I've been...I mean what a PAIN IN MY NECK I've been experiencing, let me remind you. Or, better yet, just go reread every other post on this blog because it's all I seem to be mentioning of late as far as my MS goes. Pain. And this most recent bout of insufferable pain began right after I completed a week stretch of night shift duty at my work place (felt a need to clarify the nights were worked at my PAYING job, not my charity job as a hooker...where I pay OTHERS for sex).

After treatments and consultations with my neuro regarding this unremitting pain, it was finally decided mutually my body could no longer tolerate the rigors of working during vampire hours in long stretches due to the cascading sequela of MS symptoms that follow. Or, in layman's terms, I can't work a stretch of night shifts anymore like I used to pre-MS and pre-old age unless I want to experience the wrath of the MS gods upon me. Seems pretty straight forward and simple, no? Key word in that last sentence IS "no".

You see, part of my job description (again in layman's terms) is to do exactly what I am told to do...I AM a *govmet* employee after all. If my employer says, "Jump!", I am supposed to say, "How high?"...not "What the f^ck?!?" or question the wisdom of my superiors, lest I find myself on a freeway feeder ramp with a sign reading, "Unemployed because of stoopidity. Will work for self-esteem." **large portion of original post missing here thanks to BLOGGER and I can't recall it to recreate! See post script**

Turmoil ensued in my life following this declaration of my inadequacies. Secret, closed door meeting followed...the pathways between cubicHells were abuzz. I lost sleep. OK, I exaggerate a bit (when HAVEN'T I?!?). But there WAS a lot to find out and prepare for if I really WERE going to publicly announce my inadequacies to my employer and not simply drift out to the freeway with my cardboard sign.

AKA, REQUEST FORMAL ACCOMMODATION AS PROVIDED UNDER THE AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES (ADA) LAW.

So, due to the secretive nature of all government agencies (and my own, frank paranoia of such), I really can't say much more about my ADA request here (not even in sarcasm and jest, should this blog be pulled into court at a later time!), but I WILL inundate you with trivial information about my PAIN. Aren't YOU the little luckies, my preciouses?!?

I met in person with my neuro ARNP (I know?? How odd I would actually SEE a provider versus Internet medicine!), who I shall hence forth refer to as the Always Really Nice Practitioner (ARNP), on Tuesday of last week to complete the reams of paperwork necessary when making a formal ADA request (I then rented a U-Haul and had the reams couriered to my office)...and, to discuss this never-ending pain I am having in my shoulder/neck/arm on the RIGHT side of my body (left side has always been the bad girl rebel, so Ms. Right side has become a mystery). I held her captive (hostage really) for a very long time as we hashed over papers, then what has worked, hasn't been successful, and what I am WILLING to try in combating this pain (and my willingness waxes and wanes on any given day).

Thanks to Jane (you know who you are!), I was carrying with me the suggestion of trying a TENS unit (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulator) for pain management, since the pain seems to be localized to my right side/arm (yeah, I KNOW the picture up there is of ECT...electroconvulsive therapy, not TENS...but it's really just a matter of electrode placement now, isn't it?!?! LOL). My ARNP didn't flinch or bat an eye at this request and promptly filled out a prescription for it (anything to shut me the he!! up, no doubt). She also weighted down my prescription load with a script for massage therapy and Lidocaine dermo patches (I'm rather surprised there wasn't also a script for a dog muzzle, but whatever). We are staging a grand assault on my pain...I hope it doesn't hear us coming and try to change its militant tactics in advance.

I've got a physical therapy appointment this coming Wednesday with my favorite PT person, Madam Z, who will wire me up for sound with a TENS unit I can borrow for two weeks to see if it has any effect on my pain level. If it does, I can then petition my Almighty Insurance Company to PURCHASE a unit for me or bite the bullet and buy my own if they say "no". Failing those two options, I suppose I can storm chase and try to position myself for lightening strikes to my body, which I wouldn't necessarily be OPPOSED to if this pain keeps up without relief! And, who knows, a good "jolt" of lightening might also work as ECT for me AND improve my mood...win/win all around if you ask me...but, YOU didn't. LOL

Alrighty then...I have no more strength to continue pushing my anger through a small hole (whine) about my pain issues. Thank you again, Blindbeard, for inspiring me to write this post (just saying that to be sure everyone despises YOU for sparking my whining rant rather than thinking little, old me could have POSSIBLY thought this up on my own!). And now, I think I will go hop on the deck and flop like a fish (Sponge Bob fans will get that reference)...

**BTW**
What in the heck is WRONG with BLOGGER right now?!? This is the second time this week I have attempted to write a post in which BLOGGER eats part of it without warning!! I can't retrieve it, can't pull up anything via autosave, etc...unfortunately, large chunks of my witty humor have vanished and the recreation just isn't the same. GETTING MIGHTY TIRED OF THIS, BLOGGER...FIX YOUR SH!+ PLEASE...
**

Light The Blogger Candle...

2009-06-11T01:15:00.001-07:00

Words escape me right now. I just visited Sherry's blog (Have Myelin?) and learned her daughter passed away today. There is little one can say to comfort a bereaved mother, so I will not waste effort here.

I am instead lighting a BLOG CANDLE for Sherry and her daughter and hope you might also do the same on YOUR blog or, if you do not author a blog, light a symbolic candle in your heart.

Though miles may separate us, there is more than MS that bonds us all. That glue, my friends, is LOVE...

Peace, comfort, and LOVE to you, Sherry.

Dear Quantico/FBI:...

2009-06-09T08:02:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've noted a few *hits* on the ol' statistics log from "Gate-23, Quantico Military Base", peering into an old post of mine regarding my thoughts on the movie, "Jesus Camp" (what else WOULD the military be interested in on this rambling blog?!?). For those of you not *in the know* about Quantico, Virginia, it IS the site of a large military base, which also houses the training academy for the Federal Bureau of Investigations as well as the Drug Enforcement Administration. I only know this because I *googled* Quantico and I, of course, am a BIG fan of the TV show, "Criminal Minds" (where the alleged FBI Behavioral Analysis Unit is housed...at least on the show!)...*Googling* and television are sound fact checks, aren't they?!? LOL

I'm pretty sure if the FBI (or ANY military branch for that matter) is gawking/snooping around here on CHEESE (and they're NOT actually *snooping*...if the FBI WANTED to look at this blog without me knowing it, they would...just like I'm sure they have pictures of my last colonoscopy framed on their desktops unbeknownst to me!), it is in response to the more recent shooting/murder of Dr. George Tiller in Kansas..."they" (the FBI) are probably monitoring blog sites closely now for bloggers that even TYPE the word abortion into the text of posts (for those of you again not *in the know* about Dr. Tiller, well...GOOGLE his name!) in search of FANATICS on BOTH sides of the abortion debate.

So, since "they"/Big Brother/FBI have already BEEN here on CHEESE lurking around (and I say this with great sarcasm) in search of information specific to my thoughts on abortion/Jesus Camp/religious fanatics (because, although I have had moments of LIVING in terror during my 45 years on this planet, I am NOT a *terrorist*!), I thought I'd just come clean now and save any time wasted on further investigation. Let me proceed:

Dear Quantico/FBI:

Contrary to any negative slander or libel about the CHEESE, I have never participated in or belonged to any type of terrorist group while living in the United States of America...unless one can count 4-H or the Kenny Roger's Fan Club as covert, organizational, terroristic groups. I do not own a gun of any type, but I DO possess a really cool sling shot and a baseball bat for self-defense purposes only. I also do not own a handgun because I would statistically be more likely to turn the gun on myself than to use it defensively. Does my lack of possessing a firearm now make me a member of the "Pro-Life" club? Or, do I HAVE to own a gun and believe firmly in Jesus and capital punishment before I can be considered a member of the "Pro-Life" Movement? Just wondering...

I was raised in the "Be Dipped Or Be Damned Church Of Christ", as a child, a fundamentalist, religious organization. My congregation WAS, however, quite progressive because we had a piano AND an organ for musical accompaniment (this is NOT the case in many of the Church Of Christ denominations). I left the BDOBD Church Of Christ when I attended college, converting first to Catholicism (because I needed the intense structure of a black and white world), then Judaism (because I needed to feel "chosen"), followed by a period of worshiping the Almighty Dollar. Once I accepted the fact I would never OBTAIN the blessings of the Almighty Dollar, I slipped into a period of worship/fellowship with Alcoholics Anonymous. My current religious practice would most closely resemble that of a Couch Pagan, who's philosophy is to "do as thou will, but harm none". Oh, and for the record here, I DO think Oprah has some terroristic qualities...you should probably check her out, too...I wouldn't drink HER Kool-Aid any more than I would that of Jim Jones. But I guess he choked and died on HIS Kool-Aid in Guiana, so that's a moot point, eh? You guys seriously never saw THAT one coming?!?

To address my political/personal/religious views about abortion (since I know that's what you are really interested in, after all...and whether or not I could be the next loose cannon, fanatical, narcissistic, antisocial gun(wo)man to pop a cap in some unsuspecting and undeserving individual), I'd have to first say I am not FOR abortion. Frankly, I'm not really "FOR" anything. I think when or if I become "FOR" something, I lose perspective...but that's just MY perspective on being "FOR" anything. I CAN and WILL tell you, I am AGAINST STOOPIDY, however.

My first exposure to abortion occurred in college (right before my conversion to Catholicism...hint, hint), when my good friend, who I didn't even know HAD a sexual partner (because I lived under the BDOBD Church Of Christ rock), announced she was pregnant. SHE was from a good, God-fearing, law-abiding, Catholic family, so naturally she DIDN'T TELL THEM. She also was only 19, single and a sophomore in college, and couldn't/didn't want to raise a child. We drove to Planned Parenthood in the far away city (out of the corn fields), crossed hateful, yelling picket lines, and she proceeded to have an abortion. I tried to talk her out of it at the time because I was raised believing abortion was a sin and that she would burn in hell. But I also did not/could not raise her budding offspring growing in her belly, so I kept her secret and accompanied her to the clinic...feeling dirty and sinful the entire way. I noticed none of the protester/anti-abortionist onlookers at the time ALSO never volunteered to feed, clothe, raise her unborn baby either, but I suppose that would require more than a grotesque picket sign and an opinion now, wouldn't it? Looking back on the experience, I think the CHOICE to have the abortion and crossing that evil, nasty, name-calling, spitting crowd of abortion protesters probably was sufficient PAYMENT for any sins she (or myself) might have accumulated. It was truly a low point in both our lives and, fortunately neither of us owned a GUN then, either.

My next encounter with abortion followed nursing school (along with two more dabblings in other religions) and employment in Houston, Texas. My other half at the time was a big shot, mucky muck in the Houston Planned Parenthood Clinic...the second largest PPC in the nation. Alcohol and life helped to soften my morals at this point, so the fact I was sleeping with a known "baby killer" at the time seemed somehow fitting. I say "sleeping with" rather loosely because, rarely was their a night we were not awakened by the Houston Police Department requesting the key to the main clinic so they could send their bomb-sniffing dogs through after receiving yet ANOTHER bomb threat. It was definitely a weekly occurrence if not more.

I lived and breathed Planned Parenthood and was privy to the many ins and outs of such an organization. The first time the other half called me in a panic on my day off, desperately needing a *recovery room nurse* for the abortion clinic, I have to admit was a turning point in my life. Not being FOR abortion, I had to make a quick decision: Could I really administer care to these women who had just willingly terminated their pregnancies? I probably consulted my spiritual gurus, Vodka and Lemonade, then put on clothes and drove downtown...it's all a bit hazy how I first started filling in as a nurse in the abortion clinic, but I did. And later, I even began VOLUNTEERING my nursing services to other parts of Planned Parenthood (I know!?! GASP!).

One of my most memorable volunteer moments at the Planned Parenthood in Houston was during the G7 Summit in 1990 (the precursor to the WTO). I DID volunteer as an escort prior to this Summit, walking women from the parking lot to the clinic, through spitting, name-calling, and hateful abortion protesters, but the G7 Summit called for a different tactic. Yes, dear Quantico/FBI (even though I KNOW you weren't there watching me then...no one was...especially not even the HOUSTON POLICE when we called!), I was the dirty, homeless woman across the street on the curb with the walkie-talkie down the front of her shirt (pre-small-cellphone-days), quietly calling into the building with status reports on the near 300 abortion protesters that flanked the perimeter during the G7 Summit. I was also the second one (roof top watcher had the first glimpse) to notice the group of teenage boys carrying gas cans from the nearby station toward the clinic. I was also one of the people who had gasoline thrown on them by these juvenile delinquents (in the name of GOD, of course) and threats to be set on fire if I didn't break the human barricade we formed to prohibit these pubescent, most likely sexually active without birth control, males from entering the building and setting IT on fire...while we patiently waited for the hands-off Houston police to FINALLY show their a$$e$ and PROTECT life and property. I DO hope none of these vehement abortion protesters ever had to experience someone spitting in their face and being called every vile and vulgar name on record...in the name of GOD, of course...I seriously don't wish that conduct on anyone, no matter WHAT God they choose to pray to.

I now WORK for a branch of the government (yes, you already HAVE my fingerprints on file) and my involvement with any type of political "movement" (religious or otherwise) consists of reading a political newspaper from the comfort of my toilet seat while relieving myself of any *inner* constipations of character or spirit. I attended a NARAL dinner once with Dr. SWWNBN, but I don't even donate MONEY to any political or religious organizations, unless the National Multiple Sclerosis Society counts (now that I think about it, they ARE a bit fanatical about their "Joining the Movement" cult!)? I probably WOULD donate money or time to the local Seattle Planned Parenthood, but they've never asked me to. I'm still not FOR abortion, but I remain AGAINST STOOPIDITY in my old age. And as far as religious affiliations go, let's just say my FAITH has kept me away from organized religions or cults...thank God.

So, Quantico/FBI, if you've come here to CHEESE in search of your next Postal Poster Child for your FBI's Most Wanted List, I'm (not) sorry to disappoint you. I'm about as apolitical, areligious, asexual, a-hole-ish as one can be without being completely a-nonymous and a-loser. BUT, if having an opinion IS considered being terroristic, then add me to that Post Office bulletin board...because, in the words of the late Charlton Heston (this may be considered blasphemy to Heston fans...brace yourself), "You can take my opinion...when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!" Or was that his RIFLE?!? I forget...

The Truth Hurts...

2009-06-08T02:03:00.000-07:00

...sometimes literally.

Yeah, it's been a week since I last posted any musings here on CHEESE. I'd say, "sorry", but I imagine a majority of you are quite THANKFUL there has been less babble from the beast. I've also been experiencing a delay in my ability to jump onto YOUR blogs and leave my rambling comments...it's not been for want of trying (although, I DID seem to make it over to Shauna's blog to peer into the photo of scat she posted just for lil' ol' me...there are some things that must NOT be missed!).

I'd like to say my lack of posting and perusing has been because I am traveling around the world or secretly consulting on a project for world peace...heck, I'd like to say my absence has been because I've been SLEEPING or reading a great novel! But, the truth of the matter is, I've been quite preoccupied managing the every day tasks of my life while gritting my teeth through PAIN.

The pain in my neck and right shoulder has taken up residence and appears to be a phenomenon I will be forced to reckon with on a daily basis from now until eternity. :-( I had hoped five weeks ago when this pain commenced, it would be a short-lived episode that might leave me as mysteriously as it had arrived...not the case. As is typical for an MS body, the pain has certainly *changed* its course over time...going from a skin-burning-I-can't-stand-my-flesh-touching-anything kind of pain to now a deep, constant ache...as if my shoulder blade and humerus have a bone vise squeezing them. I've even begun to experience pain in my RIGHT leg...a most unusual sensation, as my RIGHT side of my body has always been...well...RIGHT! I've never experienced Multiple Sclerosis symptoms on this side of limbs.

It's not that the pain is that crying, blubbering agonizing *smiley face* number 10 on that stupid nursing pain chart (you know the one I'm talking about? Those ten faces they show you to describe your pain because we're all too dumb to just call out a number between 1 and 10?!?). No. My pain level checks in each day at around a 5 or a 6 (that frowning, eyes furrowed *smiley face*). But it's a 5 or 6 CONSTANT pain...all day...all night...seemingly forever...and sometimes peaking at a 7 or 8, give or take a Vicodin or two. It does not leave me. Not even when I ask it to. And it is bumming my voyage and stealing my joy.

Most of my daily energy is consumed just completing the necessary tasks one must do when they don't own a servant or a wife...household management and going to work. The pain seems to zap my energy reserves as it requires much effort on my part NOT to reach out and slap the more annoying people in my life or bark like a rabid hound whenever frustrated. I tend to be one who has a *low stoopidy tolerance* anyway...so you can just about imagine the amount of self-restraint I must impose on my "id" to keep from shouting out unthinkable Tourette's-like utterances throughout my day! It is frankly exhausting.

My latest personal saying is, "You can't force funny"...especially when PAIN is a heckler in the audience. So, I've stayed away from THIS blog (and yours...you can thank me later) because I am finding little humor in my everyday life right now. Unless, of course, one can find humor in the dental dust I am accumulating from grinding my teeth down to nubs in discomfort!

Dr. She Who Will Not Be Named suggested a few weeks ago that I see a spinal rehabilitation physician. I have "poo pooed" all suggestions I see ANYONE who might even remotely fantasize about poking, injecting, or cutting into my spine (she had previously referred me to a neurosurgeon due to the horrible structural changes in my spine from osteoarthritis, which I promptly ignored!)...I'm quite certain I would NOT find *funny* or humor in partial or total paralysis!!! And MY luck dictates any type of "procedure" done on my neck most likely would result in permanent sucking of my food through a tube and breathing through a hole in my neck because the neurosurgeon would probably SNEEZE just as he/she were cutting around my spinal cord. BUT...I may have to stick my tail between my legs and deprogram my thinking that all physicians are imbeciles to consult. Maybe there IS something reasonable out there in the form of relief that doesn't involve potential paralysis?

So this is my painful truth, my preciouses...the CHEESE has a REAL pain in her neck (and other areas of my body) at the moment. And I'm pretty sure if a few people don't cease tapping on my last good nerve because of their stoopidity, I'll probably be reporting a pain in my A$$ soon, too... ;-)

Commitment...

2009-06-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

If you've been stumbling into CHEESE for a while for lack of anything more constructive to do, you already are aware my job title is that of a *Commitment Specialist*...that's right...I "commit" people as part of my employment. Practically speaking, I evaluate folks with an alleged mental illness (another favorite word of mine...alleged) who are behaving in a dangerous manner BECAUSE of that mental illness, and I make a legal decision/sign the court documents to *commit* them to a psychiatric hospital (or not). Hence the title, *Commitment Specialist*.

*Commitment* is a part of my every day work life and a task I do not assume lightly. Likewise, in my personal life, (again, if you've been paying any attention to your perusings on CHEESE at all!) I am all about *commitment*...to the point I develop anal spasms if I feel/perceive I am falling short of any particular *commitment* I have agreed to in my life. Sometimes I am known to grit and crawl my way through a *commitment* because of my inability to tolerate the tightening of my anus that comes upon me if I were to say "no" or "I can't do this or that now". After all, I was raised with a work and personal ethic (by a law-abiding, hard working, God-fearing, Midwestern mother!) to uphold my end of any bargain and to keep my promises...it goes against my grain (and my anus) to do anything otherwise. And I FEEL like a failure, or worse yet, a *liar* when I DO NOT follow through with my *commitments*.

Lately, it seems the Universe is hell bent on challenging my notions about *commitment*...and It's been doing so in highly educational ways (said with tongue in cheek)...by placing multiple commitment phobes (you know the type...the yes/no/maybe answer-ees!) and promise-breakers in my path as well as forcing ME to evaluate prior *commitments* I have made that must now change due to health reasons.

I try not to judge people, but I must admit I am an *action* oriented thinker and I tend to trust others based upon their actions instead of their words. One of my favorite sayings (and one I use in many trainings about communication...another *C* word) is, "Most people will not recall what you say, but they will ALWAYS remember what you do and how you made them feel." I believe this statement and I try to live by it (or another favorite saying, "Live by example"). And lately, I've been noticing I am feeling quite poorly about some of the ACTIONS others are taking around me and in my life...or, better put, INACTIONS!

Commitment phobes tend to be those types that will TELL you one thing, while DOING another. They are the people in your life who, when noticing YOU complete a particular project or task, say, "Oh, I was also thinking about doing that"...to which I want to reply, "BITE ME", or "If you took the time to THINK about doing this or that, why didn't you go ahead and take the time to ACT upon this or that?!?" Especially when the task at hand is unpopular or difficult...it doesn't make me feel better to hear anyone say they THOUGHT about doing something, but didn't go ahead and do it and NOW are taking the time to watch me COMPLETE it! We all know these types...and let's hope you are not one of them because I don't want to have to vote you off the CHEESE island!! **Faint sound of Tiki torches being snuffed out for effect here**

Another group of people who annoy me (and I've had my fair share of run ins with this group of late) are those that *commit* to do something up front, then claim they have FORGOTTEN to follow through. I tend to go out and buy these folks a new, ball point pen and a pad of paper, and encourage them to WRITE THE EFFING THING DOWN so they don't "forget" next time...beyond that, I restrain myself from full facial slaps or knuckles to their noggins.

I feel short changed by people who don't follow through with their *commitments*, especially when that lack of follow through directly impacts my life (the REST of you are on your own!)...I feel disrespected and discounted...I sometimes feel hurt and often feel angry. I would really rather prefer someone NOT tell me they are going to do something or follow through with this or that rather than feel the fallout of their lack of *commitment*. And, if the above happens too often, I tend to be a true Leo (who is loyal at all costs until crossed!), bare my fangs, and disappear proudly into the jungle shaking my mane, never to answer the person's email/phone calls/or knocks at my door again. Harumpf!

So, you can just about imagine the depth of my conflicted feelings/thoughts I have been experiencing of late while making some important life decisions about what I CAN and NO LONGER can do in my work life as well as my personal life because of Multiple Sclerosis symptoms. It has been a long and arduous road down the path of accepting my MS is now prohibiting me from doing some of the things I used to do with ease...prohibiting me from following through on some of the *commitments* I have previously made and causing me to conserve my necessary energy just to complete basic tasks. MS has caused me to FEEL like one of the commitment phobes above, which has nearly caused my anus to bleed from all its spastic responsive tightening! (And, if you listen closely, you can probably just make out the far away sound of this anal retentive personality tightening up like the locks at Fort Knox!)

Not only has it been a painful process on my metaphoric a$$, this has also been a painful emotional process...I am, after all, a DO-ER and much of my self-worth and sense of achievement has come from being the "go to gal" in both my work and at play. I have ALWAYS been the one to *get the job done* and I am a respected professional because of it (yes, dear coworkers reading this...you KNOW this is true, so shudup already! LOL). Being a *committed* individual is who I am...my identity...and it saddens me to gaze in the mirror and now not recognize the face of the person staring back at me. I am having to come to grips with an ever-changing persona and belief about myself, paring down my *commitments*, and having to say "no" because of my body when my heart is screaming "yes!"

I try very hard each day to practice positive inner talk and remind myself I am STILL the same person and STILL a valued coworker, friend, companion, sister, etc...just the same person with LESS ability to juggle all of the flaming batons I USED to keep up in the air (didn't want to use the "balls" analogy here because I KNOW some of you would run with that picture of me keeping my "balls" in the air...GMTA!), but I'm STILL a juggler. And I try to remind myself the QUALITY of my work and personal interactions are STILL the same, just done at a bit of a slower pace or less often. I must say to myself out loud sometimes that I am "not a bad person because I didn't do" yadda yadda. I am not lazy, I am not irresponsible, and I am not *wrong* for saying "no" to certain challenges and CHOOSING an easier course to follow.

On good days like today, I am at peace with these changes...

"The giving up of personality traits, well-established patterns of behavior, ideologies, and even whole life styles...these are major forms of giving up that are required if one is to travel very far on the journey of life."

~~M. Scott Peck~~

Sunday Communing...

2009-05-31T23:55:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, I crave a spiritual awakening...I find myself slipping into old patterns of dysfunctional behavior and feeling *stuck*...like my soul is constipated.

So, today I forced myself out of the hut (weary bones and all) and into my yard...I find such comfort and nurturing being in the dirt. It's as if my body recognizes where it has come from and where it will eventually return. Dust.

I live in the city, so it is often quite difficult for me to tune out the sounds of the pavement and really listen to the sounds of nature...it took me a while to deaden my awareness of the traffic noises, garden implements, and neighbor kids playing basketball. Such are the ears of a constipated soul...hypervigilant in listening to the unnecessary.

I performed some of the needed tasks of maintaining my flowers and other plants, providing water and fertilizer, and felt the warm sun gently heating my head and shoulders. I couldn't seem to shake the uneasy feeling in my body or the pain that has become a constant companion. Even with a lessening awareness of the city noises, my mind continued to jump from topic to topic, reliving any and all of my recently perceived slights. I was disheartened my outdoor experience was not providing me the proper laxative to move my soul into a spiritual awakening and I almost abandoned the excursion to return to the monotony of indoor life.

And then, I heard it. I even felt it...it was the tiny, but powerful flutter of a humming bird zipping to and fro near the rose bush I was watering. It came so close to my face, I could feel on my cheek the small current of air its wings created! Then, much to my delight and surprise, the little bird, barely bigger than my thumb, landed on one of the stems of the rose bush.

The humming bird just sat there staring at me...and I, too cautious to move a muscle not wanting to frighten the little creature away, stood mesmerized in the bird's stare. I don't know how long we remained captivated by one another...a minute, ten minutes, an hour? It seemed like an eternity yet only a brief encounter I imagine.

Eventually my new friend flew off up into the sky and I sat down on the ground, keenly aware of the stress and ache in my bones. As I closed my eyes and turned my face into the sun, I began to notice the faint smell of the rose bush just beginning to bloom, I heard the chirping of a robin in a tree near the fence, and I could just make out the quiet buzz of a bumble bee searching for food among the Rhododendron bush. I felt my body soften somewhat as tears fell silently from my eyes. Finally, release. My soul was letting go of the garbage packed tightly and accumulating over the past few weeks.

The world is my *church* in which I must always return to commune with Spirit/God and Nature is the pulpit of the sermon...I am oddly so astonished each time I forget this simple fact.

Today, the humming bird was my call to worship...and for this, I give great thanks...

The OTHER "CHEESE", Children!...

2009-05-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

Sure has been a week of weirdness out there...the same has held true here at BrainCheese. I've had some remarkably bizarre searched key words this past week and some are SO incredibly *interesting*, I thought I'd share a few...in the form of personally addressing whoever the poor souls are that are typing these things into their search engines and being sent here:

"herion myserable cheese brain": I believe anyone who can't SPELL the word *heroin* should probably not be SEARCHING for information about it...especially when they are most likely HIGH on it! I cannot tell you how many times folks searching for information on the latest street drug called "cheese" drift over here to this Multiple Sclerosis blog mistakenly...it's too many to count. Perhaps this is because the average age of a "cheese" user is about 14. That's right..."cheese", or the latest fad to hit the high schools and even grade schools, is a popular blend of Mexican black tar heroin and Tylenol PM, crushed up and snorted via straws or a dismantled ball point pen by school-aged kids. Of course the ADULT-aged drug dealers who are marketing this deadly crap aren't always particular if they are using Tylenol PM or just any crushed up, over the counter antihistamine. It is believed the blend, selling for as little as $2.00/hit or as much as $10.00/gram, got it's name because the product's coloring resembles grated Parmesan cheese...or, creative minds think the name may have also originated from the Spanish street name for heroin, "chiva". However the crap got it's name, the message remains the same to school-aged children: It's cheap and it's a high...much like what old farts MY age used to refer to as a *speed ball*. The only real difference is, most people didn't die from *speed balls* at quite the alarming rate in MY day as kids are dying after snorting "cheese"! The drug is only about 4%-8% heroin and the rest is antihistamine and byproducts of over the counter medications. So, if you're searching this blog for information about THAT kind of "cheese", maybe that's enough said...I'd rather you babies stick to the kind of "cheese" you put on a sandwich or, heaven forbid, just SMOKE THE WEED! At least THC/marijuana has less likelihood of KILLING you.

"blowout diarrhea": Oh, seriously...come on? Are you KIDDING me?!? I KNOW I tend to stray where most fear to go when it comes to bodily functions on CHEESE...I just can't believe that search term actually BROUGHT you here! Are you searching from a cell phone or laptop for this information? Because I would HOPE to gawd you are seated on the porcelain THRONE if you are desperately looking for information about this topic and NOT stuck to your seat in an office cubicle somewhere in downtown Manhattan!! Really...most likely you would find more *user friendly* information just typing in the one word: d-i-a-r-r-h-e-a. I'm sure there are many medical web pages out there that could answer questions about "blowout diarrhea" far better than THIS blog. Unless, of course, you are searching for funny, anecdotal "blowout diarrhea" stories that most would be too embarrassed to tell in public...then you've obviously come to the right place!

"can I get numbness in my face from a window fan?": Dear person searching for this information...I don't usually give out advice here on CHEESE let alone MEDICAL advice. But I'm going to take a risk on this one and chance malpractice lawsuit. NO. you CAN'T get numbness in your face from a window fan...unless you stick your CHEEK or NOSE directly in the path of the whirling blades!!! If you'd LIKE your face to become numb from your window fan, I suggest you try this little maneuver: 1. Remove the outer covering of your window fan, usually called the *cage* or *casing*. 2. Turn your window fan on high speed, being cautious not to stick your fingers in the path of the blades, lest you also sustain numb fingers. 3. Lean into the whirling portion of the rotating fan blades with your face. 4. Keep a towel nearby to mop up any excessive blood loss should you need it. If your face does not become numb from excessive swelling within 5-10 minutes, I suggest you seek medical attention immediately. I am quite certain the numbing agent used by a physician to stitch your facial lacerations WILL achieve your desired effect. :-)

"before and after hair arrangement jokes": Mkay...this one completely stumped me...until I recalled posting a blog entry maybe last year regarding my 1/2 missing eyebrow. I don't think this topic is particularly *joke-y*...I'm MISSING 1/2 MY EYEBROW people! It's not an unusual fashion statement and I didn't create this phenomenon deliberately via trichotillomania (disorder where one PULLS their hair out)! It's from yet ANOTHER autoimmune disorder called *alopecia areata* (my freakin' hair just falls out in patches or strange places, like my eyebrow and eyelid). It's really NOT all that funny...unless you are my friend, "T", who likes to approach me with one index finger curved and placed over the area where the eyebrow should be on her forehead saying, "Hi, how ya doin?" Now THAT is funny! And there are the Groucho Marx glasses with the eyebrows and nose glued on them that another friend likes to tease me about wearing as a quick "fix" for my strange hair loss pattern...now THAT is pants-peeing funny!!! But you won't find any *before and after hair arrangement jokes* here...no siree...that would be crass and crude. And you all know what high level of sophistication I strive for here on CHEESE...

**Burp, armpit fart sound**

WORLD MS DAY...

2009-05-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

JOINING HANDS AROUND THE GLOBE, WORLD MS DAY...

A Little Bit O' This -n- That...

2009-05-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

I wish my mind were as compartmentalized and organized as that junk drawer above, but it's not...trust me...this frustrates me far more than it annoys YOU! For instance, should I be *disturbed* I FORGOT today was MEMORY-al day? Shouldn't I REMEMBER this?!? Isn't that the POINT?!?

I've had several emails lately that I've been meaning to respond to (with GOOD intention!), but just haven't been able to organize my sorry self to do so...SO, I thought I'd just use this format today to *communally* respond and hope all y'all will forgive me for my lack of proper Internet etiquette. :-( I'll leave out your names/identifiers where appropriate...unless I CAN use this information against you...then you're gonna get punked. Hehe.

From the mail bag (or wind bag...whatever):

SUSAN...the Susan who has traded emails with the likes of such a forgetful douche as myself...I CANNOT LOCATE THE LINK TO YOUR BLOG TO PLACE IT IN THE 100 MS BLOG LINK ON CHEESE!!! Where did it go? Have I totally gone to the dark side of dementia??? Yes, I forgot to write it down and now, when I search for it, I come up empty...sort of like my brain. Please, dearest...email me your blog page. Lest I have to travel to Nebraska and track you down (You're probably safe, because I think I've been banned from ever returning to that state after remarking that the state capitol building looked like a huge penis protruding on the landscape, aka, "The Penis Of The Plains"...LOL And yes, BlindBeard...you are safe as well.).

TO THE BOOTIFUL CANADIAN SEARCHING FOR INFORMATION ABOUT RiSoTRIENE...OK, this topic has exhausted me! Because there just ISN'T much information about RiSoTriene out there. I've even enlisted someone who I consider a personal Health Fitness Guru of Florida to assist me in uncovering what research/information there might be out there on RiSoTriene in the USA...Bubbie, of *Bubbie's Blog*...because she is from the "Blue Hair State" and everyone KNOWS Flo-ree-da is the home of supplements and nutritional facts due to the overwhelming population of retiree's there! Bubbie found an article about rice bran having high concentrates of arsenic in it (scary, but really? Doesn't EVERYTHING we eat have useless/potentially fatal crap in it?!?) and I uncovered a letter from the USA FDA to Healthy Living about RiSoTriene, telling them to cease and desist all claims that RiSoTriene will work like a drug to lower glucose levels and assist with Multiple Sclerosis symptoms...beyond that, I'm stumped. I even went to two local health food stores here in Seattle to inquire, and they stared at me like I was a circus clown at a funeral (I AM rather out of place at a *health food store* as it is apparent by my size and stature my "health" is not a high priority!)...they had no clue either. So, OF COURSE, this only makes me want to get some of this milled rice product/RiSoTriene and TRY it!!! Gawd knows I've been willing to try many OTHER VooDoo products that the FDA has approved (like most all of the MS Disease Modifying Meds here in the States). I'll let you know if I can figure out how to get my hands on the stuff and I'll have the Executor of my will contact you should it kill me.

NAOMI...I didn't forget you or your email. Although I think I read where Lori Schneider already reached the summit of Mt. Everest. My bad...I should have gotten off my necrotic butt and posted this information from your email sooner. I think ANYONE with MS who accomplishes walking out their front door everyday is a brave soul...let alone someone like Lori who makes it to her drive way and all the way up Mt. Everest!! Thanks for the link...

RAINI...not only do I LOVE the moniker (unless that really IS your name, then I ADORE it!), but think you rock! Yes, an attitude IS a terrible thing to waste and it does my heart good to know there is another *attitudinally challenged* individual hanging out on the blogosphere! Keep up the attitude and the mood...I also think back when the brain cells were creating more friction and rubbing together, I had noted YOU wrote a blog...which, OF COURSE, I cannot locate the link today. Too much space has accumulated between the brain cells I guess and there is no longer much activity firing away...sigh. If I AM correct about your blog, woodcha send me a link so I can include it? **Sulking away like a puppy just scolded for peeing on the floor**

DEAR SN IN INDIA...thank you so much for the friendly email and link to your magnificent art! I especially admire the painting of the woman holding the glass...is this a self-portrait? You and Bubbie (linked above) should talk...both are such gifted artists! I can draw stick figures, but even with that, I tend to not get the circle for the head shape drawn correctly! Stumble in any time here...you are ALWAYS welcome!

WEBSTER...In response to your comment on the previous post, yes...I AM feeling a bit better mentally, but the pain in my body persists. I think I am simply growing USED to the discomfort AND tired of hearing my sorry arse squeak about it. For the most part, I can tolerate the physical discomfort...it is the MENTAL/EMOTIONAL sequela that gets set in motion whenever I am *tolerating* the pain that is the most disturbing to me. I feel utterly distracted and as if I am peering through shattered glass at the world around me (metaphorically speaking...my vision is fine).

Things seem out of place and *fractured* as I struggle to make it from sun up to sun down without screaming out in discomfort or irritability. The long pause this past week in blogging has been the result of this accumulation of physical/emotional reaction. I HAVE discussed with my neuro the possibility of seeing a spine specialist...because I am certain this pain is due to the degeneration of my cervical spine and NOT primarily MS-related. So, as far as feeling better? I'm probably just tolerating feeling BAD in a BETTER way...sigh.

Dear WALK STARS: Sneaky, little BREAST CANCER GIRLS slipping over here to CHEESE under a new name and blog! You are soooo busted...pun intended. (LMAO at my superior wit...hehe) And in response to YOUR comment in which you believe the correct term is "A mouse in your pocket"...perhaps in Arizona (where the heat melts away all humor, unless you are MISS CHRIS, who always looks bootiful no matter what the temperature) that WOULD be the correct saying. But where I come from (white trailer trash city), we didn't HAVE mice...we had RATS...and *turds* were abundant, too. Often the kind on two legs. :-) Hence the saying in response to the incorrect use of the word *we*, "What, do you have a turd in your pocket?" **Dialing my dead mother up now on the Ouija Board to clarify this**.

SHAUNA...In response to your comment regarding my desire to drive the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile in my next career move (I believe the exact quoted comment was this: "I've been offered plenty of free wieners in my life. I politely decline."),I am only NOW able to type without falling out of my chair and laughing hysterically every time I think of your response. You Canadians are such a risque' group! Must be why I love you so...LOL

SHERRY/aka HAVE MYELIN?...I will forever be indebted to you for the borrowing and use of your word F-tard. And no, I have NOT gone all PC (politically correct) by not spelling out F-U-C-K...I'm just busy, and typing out the entire word takes too long. Plus, this would only give the JESUS CAMPERS more ammunition for comments. :-)

I think I'm done now...

Lemming Stampede!...

2009-05-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are familiar with Blogger (the host site of many blogs and the host site for CHEESE), you are probably already aware there are several ways to *follow* anyone's blog that happens to be written via Blogger hosting. You can simply click to a blog page directly (for CHEESE, that link is http://www.brain-cheese.blogspot.com/), you can subscribe to a blog's RSS feed, or if you are a Google Member/Blog on Blogger yourself, you can become a "FOLLOWER", which allows Blogger/Google to send you a notice every time someone you "FOLLOW" posts a new blog entry. And still, there is a way to "FOLLOW" certain blogs that link their social pages (MySpace, FaceBook, Bebo, etc.) directly to their postings from Blogger. Such are the complications of modern technology, which is supposedly designed to make our lives easier. Whew...

Whether out of threat of narcissistic injury, paranoia of being "watched", or true concern for others with Multiple Sclerosis (or a combination of all three!), I DO keep track of the many visitors that read CHEESE...mostly through a hidden statistics program running in the background of CHEESE (no, NOT the BraveNet stats you see over there to the left or the Feedjit stats...Moohahaha) that allows me to glimpse into your living rooms and see what's for dinner and what TV shows you are watching. OK, maybe not to THAT extent, because then I'd have to admit to you my name is Dick Cheney and I am a leftover from the Bush Administration. LOL But I CAN see when you arrive here, what you are reading here, and a host of other *vital* (said with tongue in cheek) statistics used to tailor BrainCheese to your liking (now I'm laughing out loud!). And, for the record, any and all posts on CHEESE that have anything to do with JESUS CAMP, STILL remain as the main *hit* on the counter...yes, JESUS CAMP trumps even Multiple Sclerosis here, which is a sad statistic to report. :-(

Along with observing your private colonoscopies via my stats program, I can (and HAVE once or twice) *block* someone from entering CHEESE...it's an extremely "other" rare program I use in response to some of the weirdness that comes from writing a public blog...occasionally there lurks a person who simply cannot abide by my ONE, cardinal rule for interaction on BrainCheese: PLAY NICE WITH EACH OTHER. I frankly do not care what criticisms you have of ME personally or any random, skanky things you might want to call me or comment about the CHEESE editor...you'll note, I WILL always publish those comments, because the comment IS most likely true! But on that rare occasion I have received skanky comment or email from someone who is "not playing nice" about OTHER CHEESE readers, I will first warn them *la dee dah* is not OK, then I'll attempt to counsel their sorry arse via email (if I can reach the culprit directly and if I FEEL like playing email therapist at the time), then I'll simply banish them from the Land O' CHEESE...like I said, it's been extremely rare, but I am NOT afraid to use my magic wand or vote someone off the island who cannot tolerate controversy or the opinions of others. I have my ways...which I will technologically discuss no further.

But back to the Lemming Stampede and title of this post...because I digress in writing as much as I REGRESS in real life.

You most likely have already noted the left-hand bar tab over there titled, "RUN LEMMINGS, RUN!"...this is where the mugshots/profile pictures accumulate of all those who DARE to publicly "FOLLOW" this blog via Blogger/Google...that number grows and shrinks on a regular basis as people come and go with interest in the blather painted across the CHEESE computer screen. There are also about 13 other "FOLLOWERS" from one of the social websites (which shall remain nameless to which I subscribe). In total, there's around 50 people who regularly come here to CHEESE who are NOT in search of more pictures of a 7 week old fetus or Jesus Camp (and you will note in the comment section of the previously highlighted post link, I publish ALL comments that come from what I personally consider some wackado peeps there, too...I don't discriminate, I just laugh quietly to myself)!

Outwardly, I am pleased there are so many people who may be finding interest, comfort, laughter, etc., in what I write on CHEESE. And, inwardly...I am HORRIFIED! I am often reminded of my first years of belonging to another *social website* (alrighty, there WERE no websites in the 80's!), called Alcoholics Anonymous, or AA for short. There were no personal computers back then, but the concept of AA was the same as a blog: Share your personal/deep dark secrets publicly to a group and receive feedback/support/community. Yes, my dear "FOLLOWERS"...it probably comes as no shock that the CHEESE used to knock back her fruits and vegetables (grains and grapes) via the distillation process, aka, alcohol...to the point of alarming distress. This was during the formative years of my personality development (or degeneration) in my early 20's. And I have not touched the grape or grain since July 20, 1987. That's right...I've been a dry drunk for 22 years.

Anywhozit, you may be familiar with AA yourself (or a friend of "Bill W.", as most alcoholics like to say in code) or you may know nothing about the group...either way, it doesn't matter because your personal (or lack thereof) connection to AA isn't my point. My POINT is still the notion of a Lemming Stampede and I WILL get to that soon...maybe.

So, one of the main premises of AA (or ANY of the *A* support groups, like NA, CA, ACA, etc.) is obviously to stop drinking, but to do so through a series of insightful paths (like first admitting that vodka is seriously damaging one's relationship with their *other* when the bottle is drained in one sitting, then thrown at the head of the *other*...not that this HAPPENED in the CHEESE life, of course...ahem). And part of that path is to tell one's story...to stand up in front of the chosen support group and spew all of the horrific details of the alcoholic life...and gain SUPPORT from the group.

As you might imagine, the CHEESE is no easy sell when it comes to *touchy feely* issues. True, I write a public blog now and I work in a branch of Social Services, but the honest-to-gawd-truth is, I really DON'T like people all that much. LOL Perhaps there is yet ANOTHER group beckoning me as I type that could assist me in my Antisocial ways...but I'm not interested. So, when it came my time to "share" in my AA support groups, I was often reluctant. It took nearly 3 years before I found any comfort in wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothing for all the world to see (NOT LITERALLY! A figure of speech meaning to air one's dirty laundry...geez). But, once I realized my smelly *sh!+* was no better or worse than anyone else, I started volunteering to lead AA meetings and became less embarrassed that I WAS an alcoholic...and the people around me were just like me.

It was sometime around my 3rd year of weekly (sometimes more) AA meetings that I was asked to be a guest speaker at a large AA group that typically had anywhere between 50 to 100 people crammed inside a small church basement. I have never shied away from public speaking...it's the Leo in me, who commands performance and the stage (hence, a public blog to continue the behavior of digging up my psyche for all the world to see)...so I was honored to be asked to flash my dirty laundry to this crowd. After all, I'd heard worse alcohol stories than my own.

What I had not prepared for was the overwhelming response from the crowd of newcomers in attendance at this particular meeting. Person after person/alcoholic after alcoholic came up to me after my *sharing*, telling me (among other things) how much strength they thought I must have, and how I'd obviously *overcome* my alcoholism, and how much they admired my *courage*.

This was the most distressing news I had ever been told in my three years of AA attendance...and I KNEW in my heart this was not true. I had simply PERFORMED for the crowd...telling them what I knew or thought they would want to hear. I was and had PRETENDED to be something I was not in my core...suiting up and showing up, but never really learning or incorporating the rules of the game. And, I never went back to another AA meeting after that.

Instead, I spent the next several years trying to learn what really motivated me, what propelled me through the dark waters, and what I really believed in. I also continued to refrain from the self-destructive act of drinking (which alcohol alone is not the problem, it is the alcoholic that is the problem), because I was USING alcohol as a means of expressing all the darkness that existed inside me...it was an EXCUSE for outwardly expressing what I felt on the inside: Small, insignificant, lonely, and weak. I do not celebrate an "AA birthday" as some do as a matter of personal choice, not because I don't support those that feel the date they stop drinking is significant. I don't celebrate an AA birthday for myself because there is no specific DATE in which I can claim any abstinence from the thoughts/behaviors that led me to misuse the substance in the first place...I STILL struggle to maintain balance in my life and I STILL struggle accepting my darkness...I just no longer consume alcohol in the process.

Whew...I'm getting closer to my point of the Lemming Stampede now...seriously. It's getting close. :-)

I have been writing this blog about my life with MS for 3 years...during this past three years, I have received multiple comments and emails from individuals seeking information, support, camaraderie, etc. I have also formed what I consider significant bonds with several of you via the Internet (even though I don't really like people all that much. hehe). So it is a somewhat precarious balancing act for me to feel *joy* there are as many of you who come here to read my blather as there are without also cautioning you to be ever-vigilant of accepting whatever you read here as FACT...it isn't FACT...it is only my opinion or my personal experience, my thoughts, my words, my ideas (however twisted they may be). I am an expert in NOTHING and a student of EVERYTHING. Today's information from my particular point of view could very well change tomorrow if a feather were to fly up my butt and tickle me in a new direction. It COULD happen!

There IS no right or wrong way when it comes to Multiple Sclerosis just like there is no right or wrong way when it comes to alcoholism...what IS important is that we find OUR way...whatever path that may be...and embrace OUR way. Our own, personal, individualized path of living, dealing with, treating, not treating, accepting, struggling with, MS.

I jokingly refer to that Blogger side bar of "FOLLOWERS" as lemmings...I do this because I hope it is always a reminder to NEVER run into the sea of MS because everyone else is...because the CHEESE has said something here on THIS blog, so it must be true for you as well. If you can relate to something said here, that is wonderful and hopefully useful to you. But I encourage you to ALWAYS follow your own path, even if it eventually does lead you to the cliff or into the sea...it is the only way to take responsibility for our own actions and our own, individual brand of Multiple Sclerosis...and at least if you end up running yourself over the cliff and into the sea, you can belt out the lyrics, "I did it my way", in style!

So "RUN, LEMMINGS, RUN!"...find your own path...and keep coming back here to BrainCheese if it remains useful for you. But if not, click away and SEARCH for that which brings you comfort or the information you seek. And don't bother looking back...unless you find yourself at the front of a lemming stampede and about to be trampled!...

Sometimes I Want To Scream Like Homer Simpson...

2009-05-18T23:53:00.001-07:00

It's just been one of those days...

Can We Choose A Better Word Please?...

2009-05-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

Peering through the haze of my fatigued eyes this evening, I mindlessly was staring at a DateLine Program on NBC...it featured many "social" issues (a 7 year old bilateral amputee for starters) in tear-jerking, dramatic flare (a program format of BrainCheese stylish envy, I must admit!), but when it came to the segment on Farrah Fawcett and her "WAR ON CANCER", I had to turn the channel in disgust.

Now, don't misinterpret my nose-turning response...I LOVE Farrah Fawcett and have since I was a Charlie's Angels wannbe kid! And I DO admire her perseverance in the face of diversity and I salute her deep conviction to change the world/educate the world through a documentary about her cancer experience ("Farrah's Story"). I wish her peace and no malice whatsoever.

But I have to admit, when I kept hearing about her WAR ON CANCER, I just had to change the channel, lest I throw a stinky shoe and bust my own TV screen in a fit of contempt. This is what happens when I'm sleep-deprived and a bit depraved...I become contemptuous and prone to senseless acts...or at least I like to embellish and believe I am CAPABLE of such. Ahem...

Anyway, my channel-changing-break-my-fingers-hitting-the remote-button action was somewhat visceral. It had to do with the constant use of the word WAR...well, that and the endless references to "battling" and "fighting" her illness. After nearly causing whiplash in my neck from my involuntary back and forth spasms of shaking my head "no", I just sucked it up and changed the channel...I don't need another pain in my neck to complain about after all...there are far to many figurative and literal ones there already. (You KNOW who are!)

I'm curious when and how "we" (and no, mother...I do NOT have a turd in my pocket, as she would often ask whenever "we" misused the word "we" as kids) began using the English language so carelessly and also how such words containing so much hostility in meaning became household references to boost our egos and sense of dominance?

Consulting (funny...I first misspelled that word as "consluting", which is probably more accurate) dear Webster's Reference Library, I looked up the definition of "war"...this is straight from the *word ho* bible (or dictionary, if you would prefer not to think of Webster, a collection of word meanings, and prostitution all in the same description):

War - n. 1. fighting between nations 2. state of hostility 3. conflict, contest.

Then I looked up the word "battle": n. 1. fight between armies, combat, (verb) 2. fight 3. struggle

And finally, I glanced at the word "fight": v. 1. contend (with) in battle or in single combat 2. maintain against an opponent 3. resolve by combat 4. quarrel, dispute, contest, (and FINALLY a more palatable definition) 5. Resist

As you can tell, all three of these words were originally adopted in the English language to provide description or service to an action of violence, hostility, or dispute. My personal opinion (and of course I DO have one) is, I just don't think we should be using these type of words in conjunction with discussions about DISEASE...I frankly think this type of notion just sets up our *diseases* to be mighty pissed off at us and to seek REVENGE!

Western medicine's philosophy is to obliterate that which challenges us in hopes of ending the challenge or preserving the body. We use antibiotics, cell-destroying chemotherapies, and surgical removal in hopes of obliterating that which afflicts us...often without regard or understanding WHY we have become diseased or afflicted in the FIRST place. It is an *out of sight, out of mind* philosophy...one, that we are now paying a sometimes costly price for. MUST I mention MRSA here (Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus)? The infection "WE" created from the overuse and misuse of antibiotics???

I am certainly NOT advocating a *lay down and die* approach toward disease management either...gawd knows I've PERSONALLY tried pretty much all of the Multiple Sclerosis drugs out there in hopes of finding that one drug that would either obliterate or slow down the demyelinating disease that is tapping on my last good nerve. But every time I have tried to "war" against, "conquer", "fight", or "battle" my MS, it ALWAYS seems to end up flanking me and kicking me squarely in the arse!

These days (and after month upon month of ending up bloodied on the battlefield), I am trying to take a more *coexisting* approach in my relationship with MS...it IS true...I don't always understand or appreciate the local customs and ways my MS has of doing things. And often times, we seem quite at odds in our dialogue with each other. But I am slowly coming to realize "WAR" against my MS is not the answer...anymore than WAR against a nation or group of people resolves a conflict.

To everything (and on a GOOD day!), I must believe there exists a purpose...a reason...a season or a place. I can choose to coexist with my neighbors or my disease process...OR, I can choose to be at WAR. And if I choose WAR, I must also be ready and willing to accept there will be no peace and many *casualties*...

So, blessings to you, Farrah, and your cancer...may you find more peace and less WAR with your disease process, leaving only comfort instead of casualties in spirit and mind...

Why?...

2009-05-14T23:45:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days that I wished I would not have left the safety of the bunker I call my bed...but I did. I reported for work this morning, in pain, which only intensified throughout the day. I grimaced a lot...no one, but me seemed to mind...or perhaps they couldn't tell the difference from my "normal" scowling face? I felt little comfort in my usual routine and I found myself questioning why I do the type of work I do? It can be so thankless and, on days like today, so seemingly purposeless.

I've decided in my NEXT career, I want to drive this:That's right...The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Now there's a job with a purpose...and people are happy and thankful to see you because they KNOW they're gonna get a free wiener...

The Egyptians May Have Been On To Something...

2009-05-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

...Had they only applied the *mummy wrap* on LIVE subjects, that is!

Yeah, I know this sounds hokie and perhaps even a bit out there...but, as is typical, I'm gonna say it anyway. Y'all are aware I've been enduring some fairly moderate to intense neuralgia in my right arm, yes? At first sign of pain in my forearm, I was suspicious a return of shingles was upon me because the pain felt like that particular skin-sensitive-my-arm's-on-fire pain that I have HAD in my right forearm just before an outbreak of shingles there.

Well, luckily (I guess?) no blisters have erupted on my forearm as of yet (and I no longer am suspicious of shingles), but the pain did travel up into the back of my right, flabby upper arm as well...this particular area of the pain has been giving me fits because it is difficult to AVOID touching anything (ah, like clothing?!?) to this area.

My never-seeming-to-tire-of-my-whining neuro ARNP (perhaps she should be known as Nurse NSTTOMW since I already have a Dr. SWWNBN?) suggested Neurontin or Lyrica yesterday for pain management (but I suspect this was REALLY a suggestion of desperation to shut me up!), and I DID try the Neurontin against my better judgment.

Also out of pure desperation (because I was needing to shut me up, too) I rooted around like a swine searching truffles in my old first aid drawer (ALL nurses have one of these...confiscated equipment, splints, wraps, bandages for those first aid needs), looking for an old elastic bandage I KNEW existed when I was treated for tennis elbow a few year's ago. And no, I've never played tennis in my life...leave it.

I located the moth infested device and decided to give it a try on my right elbow (gawd knows why...I was desperate)...slipping it on was the worst part that created the most pain (yes, I DID use that borrowed swear word, Have Myelin...the F-tard one!). After only a short amount of time though, I SWORE I was feeling some relief from the pain (or highly delusional from it at this point). I wore this darned thing around most of the afternoon and evening and, I have to say, my arm was feeling BETTER!

Now, I'm sure Nurse NSTTOMW and Dr. SWWNBN would most likely attribute my slight symptom relief to the Neurontin/Neurotten...after all, I suspect Dr. SWWNBN owns stock in the pharmaceutical company (but not my ARNP...I doubt Dr. SWWNBN PAYS her enough to purchase stock options...just my opinion of the medical biz and appropriation of funds/pay, but I digress). But, as is typical, the Neurontin/Morontin started giving me that strange head buzz after only two doses...so, as is also typical, I QUIT taking it!

I was a bit disappointed my elastic splint was so tiny and would only cover a portion of my upper forearm and elbow, because the area directly UNDER the elastic band DID feel better...this made me put on my thinking cap (which was now poorly fitting because of all the air space created in my brain from the Neurontin/Neurotten). Back to the first aid drawer I stumbled in search of a jumbo ace wrap I knew must exist in there...my search and rescue efforts paid off...I located a bran-spankin'-new one (I have NO idea how that got in there, since I don't think I've ever purchased an ace wrap in my life...ehem) and removed it from the packaging. I then proceeded to *wind up* my right arm (again using the F-tard word), from near wrist to the top of my flab, somewhat snugly. After the initial pain from the assault wore off, I waited.

And here is where the Egyptian mummy procedure comes in...I gotta tell ya...this darned ace wrap experimentation DOES seem to be helping considerably! And no, it's NOT the Neurontin/Morontin. I have no idea why or how, but it seems by adding snug external pressure to the affected area (most likely the flesh directly encasing my rotted or inflamed nerves), it is TRICKING my failing nervous system into submission!! I know, I know...hokie and all...but it IS working for me. I have no idea if this method of treatment would work for YOU...but if you are experiencing peripheral nerve pain in an extremity, it might be worth a try. Of course, if you are experiencing the *MS Hug*, I DON'T recommend binding up your abdomen...just wouldn't be pretty.

I'm just relieved to FIND some simple relief in at least one area of my aches and pains right now. I can't explain how or why this is helping, but it is...and I really DO suspect the external pressure is somehow tricking my nervous system, at least in my arm for the time being.

Or, maybe I have the ace bandage wound around my arm too tightly and it is cutting off vital blood flow to the nerves in my right arm? (Seriously, I don't, but that sounds shocking, which I tend to go for here)...whatever the case, I was almost considering getting out the chain saw and amputating the appendage myself anyway to relieve the pain (Ah, and THIS thought DID cross my mind, dramatic gesture and all)...

I'm Just Not Here Like I Used To Be...

2009-05-13T01:41:00.000-07:00

In a mood...hard to explain. Perhaps it has been the constant pain in my arm, legs, and trunk casting shadows in my psyche today? Whatever the cause, I have had a rather melancholy earworm running through my brain much of the afternoon and evening...it's really a beautiful song by singer/song writer, Ann Reed, of Minnesota.

Somehow the lyrics feel quite true for MS and my life these days...I really AM not here like I used to be...give a listen:

(Written lyrics for you, Have Myelin)

USED TO BE
by Ann Reed

I'm really in it this time for the count
I'm feelin' beat into the ground
You say, "You're just not here like you used to be.
You're not here for me like you used to be."
You're right, you know, I'm just not around

If I can run fast enough I'll be free
The pain will only find me in my dreams
But I'm not as fleet of foot as I used to be
Don't believe I could be what I used to be
Giving 'til there's nothing left to me

Pain has a way of clearing through
What you don't need and what's of use
Losing what I thought was a part of me
Tears through the soul and the heart of me
No apologies, no excuse

I'll make it I know I'll be fine
Just a lingering sadness left inside
I'm just not here like I used to be
I'm no where near what I used to be
And that'll stay with me a while.

I'm not here like I used to be
I'm no where near what I used to be
And that'll stay that way a while

No, It's Not Like Stubbing A Toe...

2009-05-11T16:41:00.000-07:00

Many months ago, I made reference to writing a "Pain Post"...I never got around to it. But now that I am experiencing significant pain once again in my body, it seems to be the topic resurfacing again in my mind. So, here you go...

Sometime during the first year's of my MS diagnosis, I had a strange and frustrating conversation with an acquaintance of mine (I'm pretty sure they don't read this blog and, based on past conversation, I'm not even certain they CAN read! You'll see what I mean...). I was experiencing nerve pain in my left leg that was creating a great deal of distress. In the course of the conversation, I attempted to explain in generalized adjectives and analogies what *nerve pain* felt like to this acquaintance. And, in response to my pain description, said acquaintance replied, "Oh, kind of like stubbing your toe". **THUD**

For those of you who HAVE experienced MS pain, I'm certain you can recognize just how discounting the *stubbed toe* remark felt...as a matter of fact, I also imagine you'd have had the same inner conflict I experienced in that fateful moment of conversation: Whether or not to allow this completely ignorant imbecile to live and breathe another day! And, for those of you with MS who have never had pain as one of your symptoms, I applaud you and I am envious...the gods have surely smiled upon you and shown you mercy...or, you lived a much cleaner past life than I did as Karma has a way of demonstrating. LOL

The origins of MS pain remain vast and quite often a complete mystery...sometimes the pain is due to muscle contractions, fatigued muscles, lesions directly located on the nerves (such as in optic neuritis - pain in the eyes), muscular compensation (when a muscle group over works itself because another muscle group is weak), medication side effects (no explanation needed), urinary tract infections (due to MS bladder dysfunction), trigeminal neuralgia (nerve pains in the face), the MS *Hug* (tight banding that can occur in the trunk for unknown reasons, but classic to MS), and a host of other *mystery* pains unexplained.

True "nerve pain" carries no specific adjective for description...it can present as dull, sharp, aching, piercing, agitating, burning, icy, intense, constant, tight, banding, contracting, etc. Speaking only for myself, sometimes my nerve pain feels like a glowing, red fire, burning or smoldering in my deep muscle tissues. Other times, it can feel like an icy, cold hand left stuck in a snow bank for 30 minutes, feeling as if the chill is radiating from my bones...it is ALWAYS constant and always present with varying degrees of intensity. On occasion, my "nerve pain" can feel like sharp scalpel blades being jabbed into my flesh...highly intense, but lasting only a few seconds or minutes...these pains generally catch me completely off guard and unexpectedly leave as seemingly disconnected to any reason as how they arrived. At other times, my nerve pain aches and pinches me...not intensely, but constantly...gnawing at my constitution and agitating my mood. And still at other moments, it can feel as if my skin is raw or on fire.

MS PAIN is soooo not like stubbing a toe...because when one stubs their toe (or at least from my PERSONAL experience of this), there is the initial sharp, intense pain of injury, usually followed by a period of throbbing. Toes heal...pain subsides eventually...and the mind knows this will occur EVERY time. With MS PAIN, there is no guarantee the discomfort will EVER end and sometimes it doesn't. The mind has no ability to predict or justify the pain, which often only serves to complicate the discomfort even further. I often feel highly agitated emotionally, which seems to coincide with my nerve pain...it's as if whatever is triggering the physical discomfort is also working in tandem with my emotional body...both feel quite out of my control and generated by causes of an unknown origin. This "emotional component" is often the most difficult to describe to the inexperienced. It is as if a switch gets thrown in my brain, sending out those same signals that occur spontaneously when one is over taken by laughter or tears during a movie...there's no REAL connection to the sadness/mental anxiety/laughter...it's just a movie after all...yet somehow the physical body responds as does the emotional body. I rarely can EVER explain why I FEEL emotionally the way I do with MS PAIN...it just is.

MS PAIN is not like stubbing a toe because it frequently sets up a vicious cycle, creating problems or discomfort in other areas of our lives. Sleep often becomes disturbed, anxiety takes over due to inner conflicts, the ability to cope is decreased, and these components tend to only INCREASE the pain, which intensifies the other issues...and on and on it goes...where/when it will stop, nobody knows (wasn't that some line from a children's song?!?) I put together a little, visual chart for all y'all which might better demonstrate the cyclic nature of MS PAIN:

Currently, I am experiencing fairly intense pain in my body...my legs ache in my bones, my right arm feels like the flesh is raw or on fire, and my waist and chest areas feel like I've got a tightly wound ace wrap applied. My mental/emotional body switched into high gear also after days of insomnia (superimposed by my work schedule), quite possibly setting up this pain cycle, and leading me down a dark path of fear and sadness. I don't FEEL well...physically or emotionally...but I have no idea which is the chicken or which is the egg, let alone WHO came upon me first! I only know I have no control over this current episode/possible relapse/moment/self-induced drama, and this causes me fear (see inner area of above chart for detailed explanation). I once again do not know WHEN or IF this current episode will end OR how much havoc it will stir in my life while it occurs...and the emotional conflict I feel in balancing my guilt over possibly consciously CAUSING this to occur (because of work/schedule issues that also *seem* out of my control, but possibly more driven by bullheadedness and pride) and ACCEPTING I have no control over the course, now FEELS overwhelming.

Neurontin or Lyrica...these are the suggestions for pain management made by my *never-seeming-to-tire-from-my-constant-whining* neurology ARNP...neither choice is appealing. Lyrica makes my head spin like a top and Neurontin (otherwise known as *neurotten* in my circle of MS friends!) causes me to feel like air is blowing through one ear, passing through my mind, and out the other ear (could have probably just said "like an airhead"). These choices anger me...because this is the best "we've" got...I've tried everything from narcotics to seizure medications in the past and there is little that even takes the edge off this type of MS PAIN. Pacing seems to be the only physical, short term remedy for the pain in my legs, but one can only walk so far and in so many circles...AND, being upright for long blocks of time causes my CHEST AND WAIST to feel tighter~! Pacing also seems to only agitate my insomnia (hard to really sleep when walking, unless of course you're a sleepwalker...argh, argh)...vicious cycle.

So, in closing (betcha thought I'd NEVER get here!), NO, MS PAIN IS NOT LIKE STUBBING A TOE...But I'm considering attempting to stub my toe to get my mind off my MS PAIN for awhile!!! I'll let you know how that plan works out for me... :-)

Out To Lunch...

2009-05-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

If you clicked over here on CHEESE hoping to mine a few nuggets of wisdom, levity, or sensibility, change channels now...you'll find none of the three in this post. The CHEESE is not *happy* and, therefore you my preciouses, must suffer.

I've been cursing a lot of things today, but my biggest offense (the struck down by lightening kind) has been to curse whatever great Power is out there that thought sending me a care package of Multiple Sclerosis would somehow be funny...or, worse yet, a "growth" experience. Yes, God, Jehovah, Ali, Buddha, Moses, Baby Jesus...whatever your name is...I'm talking to YOU! And I'm letting You know now...I'm putting You on notice. I'm not happy with your *package* or your grand plan and I'd like to file a complaint...maybe even a union grievance. As a matter of fact, I'm considering just leaving this mess here and taking a break...going out to lunch...I'll set my return time on the clock to WHENEVER so You'll know when to expect me back in this ethereal office You call Life.

I'm seriously in a full blown *I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE* mood. I'm pissed off...and there's nothing worse than a pissed off CHEESE (well, I suppose a pissed ON CHEESE would be worse perhaps). I tend to mumble under my breath and make up new designer swear words as I go when I'm feeling this way. I froth at the (potty) mouth like a rabid dog and small animals run for cover in fear of being eaten.

I'm seriously pissed off that I once again feel like hammered sh!+...my body hurts in ways I never dreamed imaginable. My skin on my right arm feels like if one were to touch it, the flesh would emit a poison...it hurts/burns...what's up with THAT?!? And my legs ache in my bones, as if my marrow has somehow been set on fire. The imaginative tourniquet around my chest and hips is quite possibly cutting off all blood flow to my brain right now, causing me to think unholy thoughts in my oxygen-starved grey matter. And I'm quite certain the figurative cold, steel rods in my neck would set off a metal detector at an airport.

Oh sure, I'm being dramatic here...you betcha, O' Great One (if that really IS your name?!?)...but you're pissing me off with this stuff. And I'm quite sick of people mouthing that saying, "God (Jehovah, Ali, Buddha, Moses, Baby Jesus) only gives us what we can handle" crap. That MAY be true, but why do we have to have ANYTHING like this to handle? Who's great idea was/is THAT?!? And if this is some grand practical joke, I'm through laughing. Not even smiling.

So, be forewarned...I'm going to take my lunch break...and when I return, this entire mess better be cleaned up!...

Green Around The Gills...

2009-05-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

Night shifts are over and I feel sick...that kind of sick feeling that comes from lack of sleep...pit of the stomach, head dizzying, nauseating, lethargic sick. And what's more, I have a strong suspicion I am once again developing an outbreak of shingles on my right arm (been there, done that...have the scars to prove it). I've got that burning, can't-stand-anything-touching-my-skin feeling that I've had before just prior to an outbreak of shingles.

I'm hoping a day of sleeping will cure what ails me...if not, I'm hoping for a painless death in my sleep. Best close up the shutters on the hut and bar the door...I'm not fit for human consumption right now. I don't think this is what the commercials are talking about when they encourage us to "go green"...

Into The Mine...

2009-05-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a bit quiet over here in BRAINCHEESEVILLE...ever since the Swine Flu/H1N1 became basically a non-news, downplayed item, I've had little to say (but didn't I TELL you this would happen?!? The flu thangy, not my muteness!).

I've also been spending a greater amount of time awake during the NIGHT than during daylight hours in an effort to try to convert my sleep patterns to something ungodly and unholy...that's right...I'm heading into the NIGHT SHIFT MINE tonight at 11:00PM. But, not just for ONE, gruesome night of torturous fun and folly...nope. FOUR.

That's right. You read that last line correctly. I drew the short straw (figures, since I ride the "short" bus, after all) this rotation in my work schedule and I am now expected to do hard time in the mine (I don't actually work in a mine shaft, but I think you can make the jump in the analogy!). I'm only hoping the MS stays in check AFTER this adventure.

Why yes, I DID just recover from a case of probable piglet flu...thank you for asking. But this does NOT preclude me from *doing my time* at work. Random night shifts fall under the category of "Other Duties As Assigned"...and I was put on notice last week that "Other Duties" would become part of my "Assignment" this week.

I struggle a lot with things like this...when to play the MS card and when to keep my poker face on and hang onto the card...for the sake of winning a much bigger pot later. I could probably quite easily get the infamous *note* from my doctor, alerting the world and all it's leaders, I have Multiple Sclerosis and should NOT be made to alter my schedule/lifestyle/sleep patterns so drastically (aka, request formal accommodation)...that doing so can set up the perfect planetary alignments and weather patterns for a raging MS storm...that I'm somehow genetically *special*, unlike my other colleagues, and I risk the possibility of debilitating illness should I be made to do what THEY do (which is quite often for them to alter work hours, unfortunately). Yeah, I suppose I could play that card whenever...but I'm still holding out.

It can be such a precarious balance, making a place for MS in our lives. It is such an annoying and unforgiving part of an MSers existence to ALWAYS be planning ahead for disaster or even basic energy resources to get us through our daily lives. We make an adjustment here, cut something out there, rest when we can, do less when we can, drag a leg with us to this, silently experience pain with that...it becomes such a part of our lives, this thing called Multiple Sclerosis, that I sometimes FORGET just how much it can (and does) impact and affect my daily routine. THIS routine has become my *norm* and I have forgotten my routine when I did NOT have to take into account the effects of MS on my body, mind, and soul.

I'm also very aware that sometimes I want to USE the MS as an excuse for NOT doing something I just don't want to do...it becomes a battle of ego versus super ego as I try to sort out what the motivation is behind my wanting to *cop* out. Is it REALLY because I can't/shouldn't do something or is it because I don't WANT to? Will the activity truly deplete me/set up an MS relapse/make me ill or am I using that possibility as an excuse not to move forward for other reasons? I become both psychological patient and therapist sometimes as I try to objectively sort out my often hidden motivations...and, most of the time, neither decision is completely off base...to *do* or not to *do*.

My work tends to be an area of my life that I DO push myself...sometimes well beyond the point of exhaustion. But I have my reasons. First of all, I truly do ENJOY my work and it brings satisfaction in my life...a primary motivator. Second, my work pays for my extravagant lifestyle (**cough, choke**) and my GOLD CARD insurance premiums as well as other nifty benefits...things that are a MUST have these days. This second motivator also adds to my *life satisfaction* greatly and feeds my intense need to remain independent...without this, I fear shriveling up in a ball and dying a painful, physical and emotional death (yes...sigh...it's dramatic). And third, my work provides a wonderful social network of colleagues who I also call FRIENDS...a support system, a net, and a basket...that keeps me always laughing, always thinking, and never lonely...they are as much family to me as my own distant bloodline...and I kind of LIKE them better than family, too. LOL

So, I'm going in just a few hours to begin the night death march (no offense to those who really DID do death marches in the camps during WWII...I'm just being my dramatic self!)...four 9 1/2 hour shifts that won't be over until Saturday morning around 9:00AM. More than likely, I won't be resurfacing out of this mine until sometime early next week...so, if you don't hear from me, it is because I am in the dark with my comrades for the next 4 nights. I sure do hope that MS canary can still sing when this is over.

Wish me luck...I'm going in...

Living Under A Rock...

2009-04-30T01:57:00.000-07:00

Seriously? Am I really the only United States citizen who believes this "swine flu", AKA, H1N1 influenza, isn't a NEW thing? Are people really believing the notion this virus JUST hit the good ol' USA 5 days ago??? Are "we" really that gullible????

I'm not and here are my predictions. H1N1 has been an active virus in the States for over a month, maybe longer. The CDC was alerted to this virus and the conditions in Mexico nearly 2 1/2 weeks BEFORE making any sort of announcement it existed in the USA (Google the company "Veratect" for more information about this...heck, follow Veratect's Twitter feed, where they have been tracking H1N1 information for many days now at www.twitter.com/veratect ). This information was not made public because of socio-economic concerns of the impact such an announcement might have on trade/business in the global market (The World Health Organization actually showed the gonads to SAY this as they considered raising their *alert* levels...Google WHO for more info.). The situation in Mexico is dire as would be in any 3rd world country where health resources, education, and climate exist that perpetuate epidemic conditions (but nobody seems to care all that much about the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Africa where THOUSANDS continue to die).

And, just this evening, health officials have announced they believe they have 6 suspected cases of H1N1 here in Western Washington where I live...well DUH. This isn't news OR new people. This rate will grow and grow and there WILL be deaths attributed to H1N1...because we are LOOKING for it now and what we give our attention to is what we see...but come on. Each year in the United States, there are ALREADY an estimated 36,000 deaths from influenza or influenza-related illnesses. You'd have to be living under a rock to not know death from influenza (all types and strains) doesn't already occur in our fair land.

So far (at last check tonight on the CDC website), SWINE FLU one death, REGULAR FLU STILL 36,000 a year!...I'm not advocating ignorance, but I'm also not advocating panic. Wash your hands, cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough (and wash your hands again), and stay the hell away from me if you think you are sick...same thing my mother and her mother said to avoid this type of illness. Well, that and don't pick your nose...

My Deodorant Is Suffering From Agnosia...

2009-04-28T00:30:00.000-07:00

...it no longer recognizes my underarms! (Agnosia - neurological disorder resulting in the inability to recognize objects, shapes, sounds, smells, etc.)

Yeah, so it's been a few days since I *cleaned up*...whatever. I've been ill. But hope is on the horizon...my loverly ARNP started me on a course of prophylactic antibiotics (not the condom kind) today and I am going to try to go back into work Tuesday. We both decided "whatever" type of influenza I have been wrestling with isn't important...what's important is that I RECOVER.

Between the antibiotics, prednisone (for lung inflammation), and an albuterol inhaler, no one should even notice I'm still croaking like a frog and look like hammered sh!+. But hey, my UNDERARMS do smell better...

**I also suffer from agnosia...I don't even recognize that is NOT me in that picture**

Practicing my Kegel's...

2009-04-26T00:18:00.000-07:00

Well, not with the kind of product in the picture (who knew there was a bowling ball brand called, "Kegel"?!?)!

But I swear, if this hacking/coughing/sneezing/SWINE FLU (not really "swine" flu, but I FEEL piggish) doesn't leave me soon, I'm probably just going to wet or mess my bed and not even care.

**Squeeze, relax, squeeze, cough, relax, sneeze, squeeze...my mantra**

Could It Be The Swine Flu?...

2009-04-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been called *pig-headed* before, but it's doubtful my current respiratory distress is anything more than good, old, regular influenza...but THIS report from the Center For Disease Control sure makes a person wonder.

I have to go root around for some more Ibuprofen now...snort, oink...

How Sick IS A Dog?...

2009-04-24T02:13:00.000-07:00

Don't know where that saying came from, "Sicker than a dog"...but I am. And still trudging my way to work after a brief hiatus of illness/sick leave on Wednesday...because I HAVE to. Because my coworkers depend on me to be there or THEIR lives are made more difficult...because I have little compensatory time to afford days on end of lying about at home, hoping the "crud" leaves me as easily as it slipped into my lungs.

But mostly because I refuse to believe I CAN'T do whatever I set my mind on doing...like fulfilling my responsibilities...even when I feel "sicker than a dog"...woof, woof...my bark is now way worse than my bite, which sounds more like a croaking frog than a hound sounding an alert.

Back to licking my wounds...

**Editor's Note, Friday 2/24, 9:00AM**
Mkay, reeeeeeaaally funny now, Baby Jesus...thanks for taking my voice away entirely! Yep, laryngitis...the original, "I'm speechless" quote...which could never have BEEN quoted because, if the *quote-ee* we like me, they couldn't have SAID it anyway! Geez...seriously. This crap is highly annoying...

FEVER!...Not Peggy Lee Style...

2009-04-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

Alrighty...what I'm about to write has absolutely nothing to do with Peggy Lee or the YouTube link up above...I just like to hear her sing, "FEVER!", with such flare. Hehe...so click the play on the YouTube window and listen to Peggy Lee make the word "fever" sound incredibly sexy while you read the rest of this dribble.

I really should title this post, "MS 101 - The Pseudo Exacerbation", but I didn't...most of you wouldn't have bothered to read this far if you knew what I was REALLY intending to talk about (and sadly, have now clicked over to an MS web blog far more useful, like MS Strength...yeah, sorry to out you, Jen!). But I've noticed a new and interesting *trend* in the CHEESE blog stats and I'm seeing several new searches for topics that appear to be MS 101 - type issues, so I thought this topic would be good to cover again. And the REAL truth...since it IS all about me...I'm experiencing "FEVER!" (**insert Peggy Lee voice each time you see the word**) and a pseudo exacerbation MYSELF today. It's in my face and it's what I know right now...you're kind of sh!+ outta luck, my friends, if you were expecting anything else.

The previous post would indicate I did NOT awaken as a happy camper this morning...I'm not even certain 4:00AM can be classified as *morning* in most circles (mine, in particular). I instead awakened to the sound of my own lungs attempting to free themselves from my ribcage and a bone-chilling coolness to my body. I'll get back to the lung issue later...but those of you who know me or have read much of my experiences here, recognize I am a perimenopausal/hormonally challenged female who can generate enough HEAT to power a small factory on any given day. I am rarely, if ever, COLD...even when it IS cold or below freezing outside...my body just seems to percolate away, radiating enough heat to cause Al Gore to want to shut me down due to concerns about global warming. So, waking up *cold* is a sign.

Usually, the only time I ever feel cold these days is when I am experiencing a "FEVER!"...otherwise known as being febrile...but I'll stick to using "FEVER!" for continuity sake. LOL My bones will ache from the cold sensation when a "FEVER!" is upon me...my bones were experiencing such achiness this morning (or late night...depends on your personal philosophy of time) as my lungs attempted their dramatic escape from my body (little bastids!). Looking back on the past 24 hours, I can now see where I most likely was experiencing a low grade "FEVER!" late yesterday afternoon, sans bone-aching chill...because I was having the *MS Lean* come a knockin'.

So, what does ANY of this have to do with MS Pseudo Exacerbation? Yeah, yeah...put your hand down, Arnold Horshack...I know YOU already know the answer (did I just date myself with that vague, "Welcome Back, Kotter", 1970's TV show reference?!?). But, on the off chance you are someone who has fallen into my evil trap and continued reading thus far without KNOWING this answer, I will tell you...in my own words, from my own experience...because I am NOT a doctor...I just PLAY one on the Innerdnets.

It seems whenever I run a "FEVER!", which I will define for myself as any elevation in my core body temperature above 99.6, I tend to have what, for all intents and purposes, *appears* to be an MS relapse...key operating term in that sentence is *appears*. I am NOT experiencing a relapse...my body just PRETENDS it is. OK, I probably shouldn't use the word "pretend" here either, because we all know MSer's frequently get accused (or just feel that way for no particular or explainable reason...WTF?!?) of "pretending" their symptoms anyway. Maybe I should say, "when my body reaches a core temperature above 99.6, it EXPERIENCES symptoms not unlike a full-blown MS relapse". Is that better?

Since cave man times, or at least the advent of the mercury thermometer, the standard core body temperature used to delineate "FEVER!" in human beings has been 98.6 (99.6 rectally, but let's not go there, OK?!?)...anything ABOVE 98.6 could be considered "FEVER!" and anything BELOW...well...dead. But that's WAY below 98.6! My core body temperature typically runs around 97.8...sometimes a few 10ths of a point lower, sometimes a few 10ths higher...but standard temp for Moi is 97.8. And, no. I'm not considered *dead*. Most of us do not run the typical 98.6 standard Fahrenheit temperature (sorry to all the Aussie's, Brits, and Europeans...37.0 Celsius is the norm on the metric scale...speaking of *cave men* here in the States).

As you can see, adding MY personal standard core body temperature to the mix makes any "FEVER!" I experience SEEM more like an above 100 degree fever the average person would experience (anyone who typically runs a base temp of 98.6)...thus my narrow margin of cut off - 99.6 - as a magic number which awakens the raging bull of MS inside my body.

"But, why God, WHY?!" MSers shout in exasperation (not to be confused with *exacerbation*, but perhaps we SHOULD confuse the terms for emphasis!). Why can something so benign as a one or two degree increase in our core body temperatures cause the MS to become active, thus experiencing a PSEUDO EXACERBATION? Unfortunately, the science is still out to lunch on this one...sigh. But rest assured MSers, you are most likely NOT in the development stage of new lesions because of your pseudo exacerbations...it's just the "FEVER!"..."FEVER!" in the mornin' light...Oops, I digress.

Most neurologists/scientists/VooDoo practitioners agree (or like to think) that, when the core temperature of an MSer is increased (sometimes just ever so slightly, mind you), the nervous system slows in it's ability to CONDUCT it's business...like firing our nerves correctly. If you've ever lived in the South (with or without MS), you already know when the temperature outdoors rises above 100 degrees F and YOU have to be out in the swelter, our bodies as a whole get a little "crabby"...we get "irritable"...OK, some of us get down right mean! We "can't take the heat" as the old saying goes. And this is because, on a molecular level, some cells become *excited* from the heat, while others become sluggish. Some systems have to work overtime to keep us cooled down (thus the purpose of sweat or perspiration...and you thought you just did this to LOOK cool or be a jock?!?).

The Multiple Sclerosis body, being the fine-tuned, yet FLAWED machine that it is, functions in the same manner. Nerve conduction becomes somewhat random as some nerve cells get too excited from the heat, while others just decide to take a break from it and sit in the shade to do nothing...plaques that already exist in the brain or spinal cord make the conduction system work harder or sometimes not at all,acting as *reactivated* road blocks on the nerve conduction road. Basically, nerve conduction/nerve fibers act just like I do on a hot day...if I can, I find somewhere cool to lie down and I take a nap...and if I can't? Well, let's just say it ain't *purdy* and I tend to misfire my irritability all OVER the place!

When the MS body is forced to contend with increases (or drastic decreases also...but we're not talking about that here) in it's core body temperature, it responds in kind by creating a sequela of symptoms MIMICKING an MS relapse. And believe me, "FEVER!" in my body can recreate a host of MS symptoms long forgotten in previous MS relapse periods! Once the "FEVER!" subsides, the MS symptoms eventually go away also...sometimes in a matter of minutes to several hours.

When I have a "FEVER!", I will typically experience painful nerve firing, often in my left leg, hip, or arm...pain was one of my primary diagnostic symptoms, which occurred in my left side. My vision will often become distorted, giving shapes a fuzzy or blurred appearance, especially in my left eye. My ability to demonstrate higher cognitive functions generally decreases (often consisting of a vocabulary simplified by swear words) and I can experience what is best described as confusion or *slowing* of my thinking. On rare occasions, my speech will be affected (not this time, thank you Baby Jesus!). I tend to get lower limb, bilateral weakness...feeling as though standing is too much effort or that my legs will collapse out from under me. I develop the *MS Lean* and occasionally experience the MS (not) Hug in my chest (again, something I don't have today). I once developed a fine to coarse upper trunk tremor when I experienced a "FEVER!". So, as you can see...anything is possible when "FEVER!" strikes the MS body...AND, the MS body STILL has to deal with whatever the SOURCE of the fever is as well. Like urinary tract infections or, in my case, upper respiratory/viral illness.

I've been home from work today resting my aching bones and eating Ibuprofen candy...since it is obvious I have managed to contract yet ANOTHER germified virus of some sort, my only options are to rest and try to eliminate my "FEVER!" with antipyretics (stuff that makes a "FEVER!" go away, like Ibuprofen, Aspirin, Acetaminophen, Jack Daniels, and a twist of lime). This, too, shall pass...or kill me...I'm good either way.

But, I sure do like Peggy Lee's rendition of "FEVER!" better than my own...

I Shoulda Known...

2009-04-22T04:25:00.000-07:00

It was oh, so subtle...but I should have known yesterday. When I was experiencing such heaviness and fatigue and having balance issues...I should have known then. I should have anticipated this when I was standing in my yard talking to friends that had dropped by and I kept having to shift my weight around, finally choosing to put out an arm to steady myself, then just leaning my back against a wall...because I was developing the *MS Lean*...that sensation of losing balance or falling over when standing upright (not to be confused with dizziness or vertigo...different beasts!).

Yep...should have suspected this. But now, as I lie awake at 4:30AM (before Dawn has even bothered to show her Crack), coughing and with wheezing lungs, running a mild fever, and wondering how/WHY every bug/germ on earth has recently accessed my address and moved in uninvited, I think to myself, "You should have known."

Six years with this disease they call Multiple Sclerosis and, short of flying it overhead on a banner trailing a small plane, I STILL don't seem to read my body's messages or heed it's warnings. Now, looking back upon yesterday late afternoon and evening, I probably *shoulda* gotten the message when I was having trouble standing upright without a support to lean on! And I suppose the real deal-making handshake *shoulda* been when I crawled into bed at 10:00PM because I was "just too tired" and was asleep by midnight (I'm RARELY ever in bed that early because I work vampire hours)...my lethargy of Tuesday perhaps WASN'T pure laziness.

Yeah...shoulda, coulda, woulda...but dint...

**Note from author**
Frequently, infections/fevers/viruses or other bodily illnesses will create a set of symptoms similar to that of a Multiple Sclerosis relapse. This is called a "psuedoexacerbation", i.e., once the external/internal bodily stressor is removed/eliminated, these seemingly relapse symptoms disappear as well.
**End note from author**